ST Feb 27, 2005
Marry him, Fann
No longer a spring chicken at 34, is it 'time' Fann Wong marries Christopher Lee? Or does such an attitude demean women?
By Sumiko Tan

YOU have noticed that I haven't been dwelling on the topics of love, marriage and relationships
of late, it's deliberate.

When I started writing this Sunday column in 1994, hardly a few months went by when I didn't lament my singlehood. Musing on past, present and future romances was a constant theme.

But it's one thing to be hung up on love when you're in your eligible 20s and still-available 30s, and another when you've hit 40.

When you're 40 and still unmarried, it's unbecoming to be seen as pining for romance. In fact, it's desperate and pathetic.

Like it or not, the search for love and marriage is regarded as a privilege of the young.

While 40 isn't exactly 'old', it certainly can't be considered young, and pity a single woman of that age bemoaning her marital status in public.

The reason I'm revisiting the issue is Fann Wong.

Last week, the Life! section of The Straits Times carried a report speculating on how she and her alleged boyfriend, fellow TV artiste Christopher Lee, are getting married at last.

Both are 34.

One of the actress' fans was quoted as saying: 'At her age, it's also time she got married.'

It's a sentiment I share.

In the larger scheme of things, 34 isn't old (especially if you are, like me, 41). But when it comes to marriage, it's getting there.

If she loves Christopher, Fann should marry him, I think. And quickly.

A colleague was indignant when she heard this.

'How can you say something like that?' she asked.

I suppose views like mine do reinforce stereotypes about women.

Stereotypes such as how women - even beautiful, talented and rich ones like Fann - have sell-by dates, and if they miss the boat, will be left on the shelf, pardon the mixed metaphors.

Stereotypes like how women lose their attractiveness when they grow older.

Stereotypes like how women desire to be attractive to men.

Stereotypes like how, without a romantic partner, a woman's life isn't complete.

I'm going to get flak for saying this, but, guess what? I believe there is truth to all those stereotypes.

Women do have sell-by dates.

Women are physically less attractive as they age.

Women do want to appeal to men.

And having a man in one's life is better than none.

WHEN the HBO sitcom Sex And The City was launched in 1998, I, like so many other single, independent women in cities around the world, was charmed.

How we loved the antics of Carrie and gang as they flitted from one romance to another, loving and leaving men and giving them as good as they got.

The characters spoke for us liberated women on the cusp of the 21st century. We could take on men on our terms.

But the magic for me wore thin after a few seasons.

The older the characters grew (and the actresses too, visibly), the more their lives appeared more strained than swinging.

It's acceptable when you're in your early 30s to work a room full of men, showing off your cleavage. But when you're approaching 40 and still doing this, something must be wrong in your life.

Besides, much as the characters were depicted as gutsy and independent, what they were all chasing in the end was the man of their dreams.

They wanted a relationship or marriage, to be with a man and be looked after by him.

The sitcom drew to a neat close last year with all the characters happily partnered.

In real life, of course, this doesn't always happen. Many swinging single women don't have a happily ever after.

My theory is that 35 is the make-or-break age of a woman in the marriage market.

Miss it - either through lack of choice or because you are too busy or fussy to commit - and it will take extraordinary luck or hard work for you to claw back into the market and get hitched.

This is because 35 is also, alas, that age when one's looks start heading south (just check out those forehead lines that seemingly appear overnight).

And no matter how men and women will say otherwise, in the game of courtship, youthful looks always fare better than craggy ones. It's just a fact of life.

BEING still-single at 40 is a strange experience.

On the one hand, there's that part where your heart can still skip a beat when you meet someone dishy. On the other, you realise that you must finally start behaving with at least some adult decorum. It's just so sad to still be squealing over a 'cute guy'.

Complicating the matter is how, most times, you actually find yourself just not that interested anymore.

Dating is boring and meaningless, and a stress-free, asexual lifestyle with your dog and TV actually sounds inviting, especially when you come home pooped from work.

Yet, when you see happily married couples and their children around you, you feel a twinge of What If.

So, if I were 34 again and in Fann's shoes, what would I do?

Marry before I hit 35 or it'll be 'too late'? Or luxuriate a while more in singlehood, shelf-life be damned?

All things considered, I'd choose marriage.

If you are so lucky as to ever discover The One, don't let him slip away.

Because, as someone who has been there, but hadn't done that, you wouldn't want to wake up at 40 and regret it.

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