wake up ladies & smell e coffee...

STI Oct 2, 2006
Guys who can't commit
If your date admits to being one of them, you would do well to listen

By Girl Talk, Jill Alphonso

A FRIEND of someone I know recently dated a guy who turned out to be a complete jerk.

Some of you more world-weary girls out there might say: So what's new. (Sorry, guys.)

He seemed sweet at first, but went on to blow hot and cold with her in the most extreme ways.

He would take her out and kiss her good-night on one date, and would practically say goodbye with a handshake on the next.

Once, he even took along another girl on their date.

To be fair, he had warned my friend's friend on the first date that he wasn't exactly Prince Charming material.

'You have to be careful with me,' he apparently said. 'I can be a jerk.'

On the second date, he managed to bring this topic up again, adding that he had been called commitment-phobic by his ex-girlfriends.

And he said so again on the third date.

In fact, he seemed to take pride in being Mr Not-So-Nice.

Why did she persist with this useless dude?

Why do women - despite all their academic qualifications and career achievements - persist with guys who are on a different wave-length? You know, the type who clearly signal they want a fun time, not a long time?

Truth is, they overlook this blatantly basic lack of compatibility in the hope that he will be The One.

Women cling to their own expectations of a relationship, no matter what a guy says to them.

Some relationship experts say this is due to a Cinderella complex, aptly described by writer Colette Dowling as 'women... still waiting for something external to transform their lives'.

And that something is often the idea of a perfect relationship in which that figurative white knight appears and sweeps a woman off her feet.

Men, however, tend to be burdened with less on the expectation front - a concept women often seem unable to grasp.

I've been there myself. Guys have told me after the first two weeks of dating that while they liked spending time with me, they weren't ready for a relationship.

Yet because they were still keen on seeing me, I hoped that time spent together having fun would turn into something more.

When those relationships ended, I would find myself resentful.

The turning point came with one particularly upfront boyfriend who told me several times that previous girlfriends had said that he had commitment issues.

He even agreed that he had a problem.

But ever hopeful, I concluded that if he could admit to a commitment problem in the past, perhaps it meant he was now willing to commit to me.

It didn't take a psychic to predict what happened. We broke up six months later because he couldn't commit.

I was angry at first. But eventually I realised he had in fact given me something valuable at the start - honesty, guy-style. No rose-tinted Prince Charming stuff.

And though he told me that I was the kind of girl he wanted to eventually spend the rest of his life with, the fact was that he simply wasn't ready for that at the time.

Breaking up may always be harder for the girl. So many of us continually hope that someone will come along and rescue us - from what, I'm not sure. Perhaps it's because we've been biologically primed over thousands of years to find someone who'll take care of us.

Surviving Mr Commitment-Phobe - and realising there was nothing to beat myself up about - proved empowering.

I am now in a relationship where we are on the same page about where we want it to go - to a happy future.

So much hurt comes from messages being lost in translation and by women refusing to face reality.

It was a painful lesson I learnt. I can only hope that something clicks for my friend's friend on this issue, so that one day, she'll be ready to click with someone who is right for her.

jilla@sph.com.sg