he was laughing but i was crying.....

tt's e 2nd time tis yr tt i felt tis way......they jokingly told me abt their sufferings, brushing it away like it was nothing, but i was crying inside4 them.....e 1st time was when my bs2 instructor told us abt how it wld take him a long long time 2 b able 2 get 2 e position o manager due mostly to his deafness, he was saying it so jokingly, but inside my heart was raining....ytd, he told me abt his mysterious disease, he jokingly told me how he cldn't close his eyes when he sleep....i was pouring inside......

everytime i'm enjoying myself or really trying 2 make my life more fulfilling (or juz plain wasting my time complaining abt every single thing), i come 2 know o some1 who was suffering as i was enjoying.......how i hate myself.....

e other time, I met up wif my gang & had a game o win, lose or draw; I had so much fun!!! But when I got home, I found out tt my nephew was in hospital……last yr, a very close friend sort o vanished fr planet earth…..i didn’t bother calling her or anything, I was busy trying 2 finish my thesis & looking 4 a job, then I found out she was in depression & doing all sorts o self-hurt…..

I know I’m very blessed & I’m really fortunate 4 e many things in my life…..i’m selfish & I dun 1 any1 I know 2 b suffering or anything…..i 1 everything in my life 2 b all smooth & beautiful……but life doesn’t work tt way…..

It takes really a lot o courage 2 b able 2 laugh off all e bad things tt happen 2 1self….i remember 2yrs ago, juz b4 CNY, I had a rash on e left side o my body……it really looked horrible!!!! I dun even know how 2 describe it…..it looked like a huge patch o birthmark in red….it was warm 2 e touch, it looked like some super gigantic mosquito bit on e left side o my body (probably e size o a A3 paper)….i was horrified!!!! I didn’t know wat was happening 2 myself…..no1 knew wat happened…I went 2 a GP, but e cream & medication was no help…..all e clinics were closed during e CNY…I was suffering, I cldn’t sleep cos I dun know wat was happening 2 myself…..i was tinking thro e things I touched, e things I ate, anything which cld give me a clue as 2 wat is happening…..nothing……then finally, I went 2 c a specialist (open 2 days after CNY)…..he really put my heart 2 rest!!!! He said it was nothing serious, but need 2 have a blood test 2 c wat is actually happening….he said tt it wasn’t a rash, he gave me a technical term (which I’ve clearly forgotten totally), & told me tt it was like having a bruise, my blood vessels had burst under e skin, so it looked like bruise but doesn’t hurt…..he kept re-assuring me (must b cos i had such a terror-stricken face) & tt really warmed my heart, & I remember tt was e day I finally slept……..e blood test slowed tt I had some viral infection which cause tt “rash” but how I got tt infection, e doc has no idea…..

i can imagine how he felt when he cldn’ taste anything…..when he cldn’t move his left face….but his experience is infinitely more dramatic than mine….he had a viral infection 2 but again e doc didn't know how it happened....there r 2 huge scars on both sides o his scalp where he had surgery....if he didn't go 4 surgery, he wld lose facial control o his left face totally....even if he went 4 e surgery there was no gurantee tt he'll recover....i cldn’t laugh off wat happened 2 me, how can he???? i juz can’t……..