ST Dec 4 2004
6 myths that could kill your children
Did you know that crashing at just 30kmh is as bad as falling off an overhead bridge?
LEOW JU-LEN learns some hard truths from two safety experts
IF WE would all wear belts, so many lives would be saved, says John-Fredrik Gronvall. As a senior safety research engineer with Volvo Car Corporation, he should know.
Mr Gronvall and Ms Anna Claesson, an accident researcher from Volvo, were in town recently to raise awareness of how proper seatbelt usage can make a real difference to safety, particularly for children travelling in cars.
His main message was simple: If you love your children, belt them up. And not merely because the law requires you to do so, but because it makes a very real difference to their survival chances in a crash.
'All this is about awareness, and not just about fines.'
1 Fatal crashes are rare in Singapore
Fact: Last year, 211 people were killed on Singapore roads - 27 of those casualties were riding in a car. 'That's pretty good for a population of your size,' says Mr Gronvall. Indeed, it sounds that a person's chances of dying in a car are relatively slim here.
However, when told that Singapore has roughly 405,000 passenger cars, Mr Gronvall quickly readjusts his assessment. 'In that case, it's a little high,' he says.
In fact, Singapore's casualty rate, while much better than those in most parts of Asia, still lags behind that of some developed countries. Great Britain has 70 times as many cars as Singapore, for example, but only 16 times as many road deaths.
Rather worryingly, the 27 people killed in cars last year also represent an increase of 28.6 per cent over 2002.
2 Speeds in Singapore are too low to cause serious injury
Fact: It doesn't take serious speed to cause serious injury. Try this on for size: Climb onto an ordinary dining chair, then fall forward onto your face. Be sure to have a tissue handy to wipe the blood from your nose. Congratulations! You've just simulated a crash at only 15kmh.
It gets increasingly violent as you increase the speed.
Crashing at just 30kmh is as bad as falling off an overhead bridge, for example. '30kmh is nothing,' says Mr Gronvall, adding that seatbelt usage is of paramount importance because drivers easily exceed the low speeds cited in our examples, even in Singapore.
3 Parents can hold on to their children during a collision
Fact: The law says that children up to eight must be in a child seat. Many people flout this, but it's impossible to flout the laws of physics. These dictate that a child weighing, say, 30kg and travelling at 40kmh would carry as much as one tonne of energy in a frontal collision.
Parents may be able to perform superhuman feats of time management and power cleaning, but holding on to a tonne isn't possible for anyone. Only seatbelts are able to restrain a child's body properly.
'Here, you often see the family's maid holding the baby,' says Mr Gronvall. 'In a crash, the maid kills the baby, or the baby kills someone.' In fact, an unbelted child is doubly dangerous because during a crash, an unrestrained body is a potentially fatal hazard.
According to Volvo, if a child's body hit your back with one tonne of force, all your ribs would break, they would puncture your lungs, and you would be gone in 60 seconds.
4 Size is everything - if my child is big enough, he doesn't need a booster seat
Fact: Children need special seats not merely because of their size, but also their bone structure. Seatbelts are designed for adults and if they're not used together with booster seat or child seat, they can cause injuries in a crash.
Adult hips, for example, are shaped differently from those of children, and this can cause a lap belt to slip over a child's abdomen during a crash, causing internal organ damage.
As for smaller children travelling without booster seats, the lap belt often sits directly over their tummies, with the torso belt at their chins - both dangerous positions.
Despite what the law says, Volvo recommends that children use a booster seat up to age 10 because that's when their bones are properly formed. It's also imperative for children to sit in their boosters in a seat with no airbag facing it.
Parents normally do the opposite and allow their kids to stop using the seats too early, but in this respect, it pays to be kiasu.
5 Rearward-facing seats are unnecessary, and give kids motion sickness
Fact: Travelling backwards is actually safer, according to Volvo, and if car design made it possible, the company would prefer that adults sat facing rearwards, too.
Small children in particular should travel in a rearward-facing child seat. Ms Claesson says that during a frontal collision, a forward-facing child would suffer a broken neck easily. That's because children are proportioned differently.
A newborn's head makes up half its bodyweight, for example. Coupled with the fact that its spine has yet to be properly formed, the forces pulling its head forward in a frontal collision would snap its neck.
'This makes it important that the child is using rearward restraints up to the age of three or four,' says Ms Claesson.
Many parents abandon their rearward facing seats long before that, worrying that travelling backwards would disorientate their children. But Ms Claesson says children are less likely to suffer from disorientation than adults, who are much more used to travelling forward.
Rearward-facing seats, she says, should actually be used 'as long as possible'. Volvo's field researchers have collected data from 30,000 accidents since the 1970s, and among all the cases where an infant was in a rearward-facing seat, only one fatality was recorded. Even that was caused by drowning, because the car involved plunged into a river.
One thing to note, however: Rearward-facing seats should never be used in a seat with an active airbag in front of it.
6 Seatbelts are a danger to unborn children
Fact: The opposite is true - lack of seatbelt use causes the death of unborn children in car crashes. In fact, studies from the United States show that car crashes are the leading cause of death for unborn children.
According to Ms Claesson, some pregnant women believe that seatbelts will do more harm than good in a frontal collision, a misconception that has resulted in needless casualties.
Worn properly, the belt would restrain the mother in a crash and pose no threat to the foetus.
The mother should avoid wearing bulky clothing and place the torso belt between her breasts and to the side of the pregnant belly, with the lap belt laying flat and as low as possible under the curve of the belly.
After clicking the belt into the buckle, the mother should then give the torso belt an upward tug to remove slack from the belt system. It's also advisable to sit as far as possible from the steering wheel, while still being able to control it properly.
For more information on child safety, pick up a free copy of A Safety Manual: Children In Cars from SM Motors' Volvo showroom at 249 Alexandra Road or visit www.volvochildsafety.com
Monday, December 06, 2004
Today December 4, 2004
Condom 'myth' is no tall tale
Facts support doubts on their effectiveness against HIV, STI
I refer to the letter, "Bursting the 'bad condom' myth" (Dec 2) by Christopher Low, who claims that the condom is effective in preventing sexually transmitted infections (STIs). This is a myth in itself that needs to be addressed.
In a 2001 report by the United States' National Institute for Health, the condom was not found to be effective in preventing the transmission of a number of STIs.
In the area of HIV prevention, it was found to be only 85 per cent effective and only if used consistently and correctly. When used to prevent pregnancy, the condom is only 88 per cent effective.
Even if four condoms in a batch of 1,000 tested fail, the batch is still passed for distribution and sale. This means that in a batch of one million, up to 4,000 are defective.
The condom deteriorates with time, especially in hot and humid conditions like those in Singapore.
Mr Low quoted a breakage rate of 2 per 100 condoms, yet he still advocates their use. This sounds like a version of Russian roulette.
Complete, consistent and correct use of condoms by all is wishful thinking. Especially when the influence of alcohol and drugs is part of the equation.
In a study done in San Francisco, Balboa High School students were exposed to "graphic demonstrations" of proper condom use, but the school's condom availability programme was a colossal failure.
The percentage of sexually-active students who used condoms almost doubled — but, the school's overall pregnancy rate increased by one quarter. We can assume a similar increase in exposure to HIV infection and other STIs.
Dr Anne Peterson, assistant administrator for global health for the United States Agency for International Development, told a congressional subcommittee last year that, based on the evidence, abstinence is the "most important single message" in the sex education of young people. Unfortunately, some choose to engage in casual sex despite knowing the risks.
While we cannot impose a lifestyle change on them, it is imperative that we keep them informed of the fact that the condom is not 100 per cent effective — and empower them with the message that there is another, truly safe lifestyle choice. That is, abstinence from casual sex and faithfulness to one's uninfected spouse.
If one is truly pro-choice, one should make available complete and factual information to all.
Dr Hui Keem Peng
i wonder if snow's libido friend ever read e papers......he's 1 o e many who's spreading diseases ard....i really hope he sprouts a toadstool soon!!!! i know i'm evil but it's beta tt he knows e consequence b4 he infects more pple...stupid creep......these 2 words doesn't even describe him enough......
Condom 'myth' is no tall tale
Facts support doubts on their effectiveness against HIV, STI
I refer to the letter, "Bursting the 'bad condom' myth" (Dec 2) by Christopher Low, who claims that the condom is effective in preventing sexually transmitted infections (STIs). This is a myth in itself that needs to be addressed.
In a 2001 report by the United States' National Institute for Health, the condom was not found to be effective in preventing the transmission of a number of STIs.
In the area of HIV prevention, it was found to be only 85 per cent effective and only if used consistently and correctly. When used to prevent pregnancy, the condom is only 88 per cent effective.
Even if four condoms in a batch of 1,000 tested fail, the batch is still passed for distribution and sale. This means that in a batch of one million, up to 4,000 are defective.
The condom deteriorates with time, especially in hot and humid conditions like those in Singapore.
Mr Low quoted a breakage rate of 2 per 100 condoms, yet he still advocates their use. This sounds like a version of Russian roulette.
Complete, consistent and correct use of condoms by all is wishful thinking. Especially when the influence of alcohol and drugs is part of the equation.
In a study done in San Francisco, Balboa High School students were exposed to "graphic demonstrations" of proper condom use, but the school's condom availability programme was a colossal failure.
The percentage of sexually-active students who used condoms almost doubled — but, the school's overall pregnancy rate increased by one quarter. We can assume a similar increase in exposure to HIV infection and other STIs.
Dr Anne Peterson, assistant administrator for global health for the United States Agency for International Development, told a congressional subcommittee last year that, based on the evidence, abstinence is the "most important single message" in the sex education of young people. Unfortunately, some choose to engage in casual sex despite knowing the risks.
While we cannot impose a lifestyle change on them, it is imperative that we keep them informed of the fact that the condom is not 100 per cent effective — and empower them with the message that there is another, truly safe lifestyle choice. That is, abstinence from casual sex and faithfulness to one's uninfected spouse.
If one is truly pro-choice, one should make available complete and factual information to all.
Dr Hui Keem Peng
i wonder if snow's libido friend ever read e papers......he's 1 o e many who's spreading diseases ard....i really hope he sprouts a toadstool soon!!!! i know i'm evil but it's beta tt he knows e consequence b4 he infects more pple...stupid creep......these 2 words doesn't even describe him enough......
ST Dec 5, 2004
As good as it gets
It's not just the high points in one's life that are worth treasuring. Sometimes, mundane moments are what truly matter
By Sumiko Tan
A YEAR or so before my father died, I remember I was in his bedroom one afternoon.
Unable to walk because of a stroke a few years before, he spent his days on a special hospital bed which we'd got to help us help him move around better.
My sister and two-year-old niece had come from the United States to visit at the time.
My mother and niece were also in the room. The little girl was amusing herself with her toys.
My parents looked on. The TV played.
My sister was in another room, at the computer.
My dogs were somewhere in the house, probably asleep.
I was sprawled on my mother's bed, my feet propped against a cupboard next to it, staring out of the window into a tree outside, the chatter of my niece and the whirr of the TV in the background.
It was just another ordinary sleepy day, no different from the many hundred uneventful ones that had passed me by.
Nothing special had happened that day, or was likely to.
Yet I remember thinking to myself: This is as good as it gets.
My family are here with me. They are safe. My father is sick but still breathing and able to smile. Everyone else is healthy. There is peace.
And, I remember thinking, this is a moment I should hold on to. This is a moment I will remember and treasure.
True enough, I often find myself going back to that day, even though my life has since changed in myriad ways, some for the better, some not.
My father is gone, the hospital bed has been given away, my niece is all of seven years old, I even have a nephew now and my life has ventured off in ways I did not quite expect.
But if I close my eyes, I can still feel my feet rubbing against the grain of the wood of the cupboard.
I can still see the tree outside and the cloudless sky, and I can still remember that weird mix of gratitude I felt for what I had, and fear of how it wasn't going to last, and how I'd better grasp that moment forever.
The memory of that day makes me happy, yet inexplicably sad.
IT USED to be that it was only the high points of my life that I lived for, to cherish and preserve.
High points like being on a fabulously exciting date.
Or sitting in a dream car.
Travelling to an exciting destination.
Celebrating a big day in style and with beautiful and important people.
Achieving a career goal - getting a promotion, earning more money, being recognised for doing a job well.
Life had meaning only if there was frisson and there was glory, if there was something significant happening and I was in the thick of it and I felt special.
These days, I find myself thinking that it's not just the peaks in one's life that are worth measuring and treasuring.
Sometimes, mundane moments matter and, perhaps, matter more.
Perhaps it is a result of growing older and realising the fragility of life and how there may not be a tomorrow.
Or the recognition that, really, just how many high points can a life have?
Rather, it's the small and ordinary moments that string together to make up a meaningful existence. And instead of just tolerating them and living in hope for the Next Big Thing to unfold, why not make the small things count?
Why not be grateful for them?
In April this year, my mother and I went to my sister's home in the US to celebrate my nephew's first birthday.
My sister baked a tiny cake, my brother-in-law came back from work early, and we all headed for a roller-skating rink.
Two of my sister's friends joined us with their young sons and we went for pancakes at a small eatery later.
Then it was back home, a quick dinner and an early night.
It wasn't a big celebration. In fact, some would remark at the sheer ordinariness of what should have been a special day. Where was the fanciful party? The presents?
But for me, it was one of the happiest days of my life.
Everyone I cared about was with me. We got through the day safely.
It was as good as it got.
A FRIEND SMSed me the other night to say, arrgh, Dec 1 is already here.
I asked: Why don't you like Dec 1?
The year passed too quickly, he said. It's gone before you know it.
I see.
When you look back at 2004, what do you remember?
I think the tendency is to scan the past 12 months for the peaks and troughs.
What did I achieve? Where did I fail?
And when you look ahead at 2005, what do you want to see?
Achievements to be had? Failures to avoid? Big, happy, glorious moments?
Perhaps it is better that I aim to live for each moment, to make the most of it, and count my blessings.
After all, what's past cannot be undone, what's ahead is unknown but what I can shape is my here and now.
Things could change in a day, a minute and a second - and they do.
Isn't it safer to stick to the small stuff, to put your faith in the fragility of the moment and not expect too much?
I'm not saying that I should be so intent on appreciating the smallness of life that I denounce all dreams of bigger things.
But to bask in the ordinariness of the day is something I resolve to do.
For, more often than not, that moment of your life is as good as it will ever get.
How has 2004 been 4 u......it's been a great yr 4 me.....a lot o things happened...a lot o things really......it's been 1 yr.......wat's e next yr gg 2 b like......how do i 1 2 live it?????
As good as it gets
It's not just the high points in one's life that are worth treasuring. Sometimes, mundane moments are what truly matter
By Sumiko Tan
A YEAR or so before my father died, I remember I was in his bedroom one afternoon.
Unable to walk because of a stroke a few years before, he spent his days on a special hospital bed which we'd got to help us help him move around better.
My sister and two-year-old niece had come from the United States to visit at the time.
My mother and niece were also in the room. The little girl was amusing herself with her toys.
My parents looked on. The TV played.
My sister was in another room, at the computer.
My dogs were somewhere in the house, probably asleep.
I was sprawled on my mother's bed, my feet propped against a cupboard next to it, staring out of the window into a tree outside, the chatter of my niece and the whirr of the TV in the background.
It was just another ordinary sleepy day, no different from the many hundred uneventful ones that had passed me by.
Nothing special had happened that day, or was likely to.
Yet I remember thinking to myself: This is as good as it gets.
My family are here with me. They are safe. My father is sick but still breathing and able to smile. Everyone else is healthy. There is peace.
And, I remember thinking, this is a moment I should hold on to. This is a moment I will remember and treasure.
True enough, I often find myself going back to that day, even though my life has since changed in myriad ways, some for the better, some not.
My father is gone, the hospital bed has been given away, my niece is all of seven years old, I even have a nephew now and my life has ventured off in ways I did not quite expect.
But if I close my eyes, I can still feel my feet rubbing against the grain of the wood of the cupboard.
I can still see the tree outside and the cloudless sky, and I can still remember that weird mix of gratitude I felt for what I had, and fear of how it wasn't going to last, and how I'd better grasp that moment forever.
The memory of that day makes me happy, yet inexplicably sad.
IT USED to be that it was only the high points of my life that I lived for, to cherish and preserve.
High points like being on a fabulously exciting date.
Or sitting in a dream car.
Travelling to an exciting destination.
Celebrating a big day in style and with beautiful and important people.
Achieving a career goal - getting a promotion, earning more money, being recognised for doing a job well.
Life had meaning only if there was frisson and there was glory, if there was something significant happening and I was in the thick of it and I felt special.
These days, I find myself thinking that it's not just the peaks in one's life that are worth measuring and treasuring.
Sometimes, mundane moments matter and, perhaps, matter more.
Perhaps it is a result of growing older and realising the fragility of life and how there may not be a tomorrow.
Or the recognition that, really, just how many high points can a life have?
Rather, it's the small and ordinary moments that string together to make up a meaningful existence. And instead of just tolerating them and living in hope for the Next Big Thing to unfold, why not make the small things count?
Why not be grateful for them?
In April this year, my mother and I went to my sister's home in the US to celebrate my nephew's first birthday.
My sister baked a tiny cake, my brother-in-law came back from work early, and we all headed for a roller-skating rink.
Two of my sister's friends joined us with their young sons and we went for pancakes at a small eatery later.
Then it was back home, a quick dinner and an early night.
It wasn't a big celebration. In fact, some would remark at the sheer ordinariness of what should have been a special day. Where was the fanciful party? The presents?
But for me, it was one of the happiest days of my life.
Everyone I cared about was with me. We got through the day safely.
It was as good as it got.
A FRIEND SMSed me the other night to say, arrgh, Dec 1 is already here.
I asked: Why don't you like Dec 1?
The year passed too quickly, he said. It's gone before you know it.
I see.
When you look back at 2004, what do you remember?
I think the tendency is to scan the past 12 months for the peaks and troughs.
What did I achieve? Where did I fail?
And when you look ahead at 2005, what do you want to see?
Achievements to be had? Failures to avoid? Big, happy, glorious moments?
Perhaps it is better that I aim to live for each moment, to make the most of it, and count my blessings.
After all, what's past cannot be undone, what's ahead is unknown but what I can shape is my here and now.
Things could change in a day, a minute and a second - and they do.
Isn't it safer to stick to the small stuff, to put your faith in the fragility of the moment and not expect too much?
I'm not saying that I should be so intent on appreciating the smallness of life that I denounce all dreams of bigger things.
But to bask in the ordinariness of the day is something I resolve to do.
For, more often than not, that moment of your life is as good as it will ever get.
How has 2004 been 4 u......it's been a great yr 4 me.....a lot o things happened...a lot o things really......it's been 1 yr.......wat's e next yr gg 2 b like......how do i 1 2 live it?????
Friday, December 03, 2004
provocative dressing.....
after reading abt e rose mary tan saga....it reminded me o another contentious comment made on radio by e infamous Sheikh Haikel who got fired fr perfect10 4 an insulting remark.... there was once when i was listening 2 their morning show; then sheikh made e comment tt women who dress provocatively, if they get raped, they shld b responsible 4 it!!!!! cos he said tt they r juz tempting e guys when they dress provocatively.....i was super pissed when i heard tt remark!!!! so i wrote in 2 give them a piece o my mind....below is my email & daniel ong's reply (cos dan & sheikh hosted e show 2gather).....
From: Bionicgal
Sent: Tue 4/13/2004 10:21 AM
To: Morning Show
Subject: provocative dressing???
Hi Dan & Haikel,
I seriously don't think it's a girl fault at all. Everyone has a right to her dressing. I seriously feel offended by Haikel's remark that girls who dress provocatively & got rape should hold some responsibility for it! There's precisely this kind of thinking that has prevented many victims from putting the culprit behind bars! This attitude has got to change! I read the newspaper (yesterday's Today) and found that there is approximately 1 rape case in every 3 days! If as a guy, the way that you dress becomes contentious, how would you feel? If I were to tell you that you look like a pig or something more insulting, is it my narrow sense of fashion or your total lack of it? If you feel comfortable in what you wear, that's all that really matters. Having temptations does not give you the excuse to commit rape or molest! If men (although biologically so) cannot resist temptation, should we just make it a law that all men should wear blindfolds so that there would not be any temptations? Or maybe we should be like the Talibans and mandate that all women should be covered up totally!
I'm sorry that I sound so angry, but this issue of women having to be responsible for her dressing has like I stated earlier prevented many victims from coming forward & this is totally sad. Please educate all listeners on this!
A truly controversial topic which seriously needs more attention. Happy reading to the millions of mails that you are bound to receive! Have a wonderful day ahead too!
Best of Regards,
Bionicgal
From: Morning Show [mailto:morningmadness@mediacorpradio.com]
Sent: Sat 17/04/2004 14:15
To: Bionicgal
Subject: RE: provocative dressing???
yo bionicgal,
hey!!!
thanks for your feedback!!!
noted...and with apologies if we offfended... will get it to sheikh too....
secondly, thanks for allowing us to be a part of your life, thanks for listening.
keep listening,
coz we will only get better!!! we promise...
love,
daniel ong
987fm
i wanted to write back when i saw e reply actually, cos i dun really tink they take my email seriously....but i didn't kick up a big fusss....come 2 tink o it i shld actually......but in any case they fired sheikh.....smart move!!!!! but wif pple like sheikh, then we wld know tt more oublic education is needed!!!!
From: Bionicgal
Sent: Tue 4/13/2004 10:21 AM
To: Morning Show
Subject: provocative dressing???
Hi Dan & Haikel,
I seriously don't think it's a girl fault at all. Everyone has a right to her dressing. I seriously feel offended by Haikel's remark that girls who dress provocatively & got rape should hold some responsibility for it! There's precisely this kind of thinking that has prevented many victims from putting the culprit behind bars! This attitude has got to change! I read the newspaper (yesterday's Today) and found that there is approximately 1 rape case in every 3 days! If as a guy, the way that you dress becomes contentious, how would you feel? If I were to tell you that you look like a pig or something more insulting, is it my narrow sense of fashion or your total lack of it? If you feel comfortable in what you wear, that's all that really matters. Having temptations does not give you the excuse to commit rape or molest! If men (although biologically so) cannot resist temptation, should we just make it a law that all men should wear blindfolds so that there would not be any temptations? Or maybe we should be like the Talibans and mandate that all women should be covered up totally!
I'm sorry that I sound so angry, but this issue of women having to be responsible for her dressing has like I stated earlier prevented many victims from coming forward & this is totally sad. Please educate all listeners on this!
A truly controversial topic which seriously needs more attention. Happy reading to the millions of mails that you are bound to receive! Have a wonderful day ahead too!
Best of Regards,
Bionicgal
From: Morning Show [mailto:morningmadness@mediacorpradio.com]
Sent: Sat 17/04/2004 14:15
To: Bionicgal
Subject: RE: provocative dressing???
yo bionicgal,
hey!!!
thanks for your feedback!!!
noted...and with apologies if we offfended... will get it to sheikh too....
secondly, thanks for allowing us to be a part of your life, thanks for listening.
keep listening,
coz we will only get better!!! we promise...
love,
daniel ong
987fm
i wanted to write back when i saw e reply actually, cos i dun really tink they take my email seriously....but i didn't kick up a big fusss....come 2 tink o it i shld actually......but in any case they fired sheikh.....smart move!!!!! but wif pple like sheikh, then we wld know tt more oublic education is needed!!!!
rose mary tan........
Today December 3, 2004
Wong Hoong Hooi: Beyond gender politics
The women's movement here seems to prefer to focus on physical violence against women.
Acknowledging that boyfriends and husbands who are dominated also suffer abuse and bullying in silence does not seem to be in harmony with its notion of female victimisation.
Far from being naive, Ms Rose Mary Tan ("End of Abuse Within Reach", Nov 30) sees that focusing on providing the right family environment so that boys and girls are less likely to become abusers is far more positive than finger--pointing gender politics.
No doubt tt husband/boyfriend do get abused 2, however e way tt rose mary tan puts it across, it simply implies tt e wife/gfriend is at fault 2 b abused!!!!
Michael Chua Kheng Hwee: Nagging cause of men's violence
Perhaps the reason men tend to get violent with their wives could be due to the fact they are less articulate. When wives nag them, they may not be able to argue back as well as they would like to. So, they turn to the use of their fists.
The woman might save her skin by cutting down on nagging. The man might avoid his wife's nagging by exhibiting more "desirable" behaviour. The man who sows violence today, shall surely reap it someday.
do women like 2 nag??? y do women nag???? cos tt's e only way tt we can get e dumb ass o a husband/bfriend 2 respond.....being less articulate doesn't give u e rite 2 b violent!!!!
Wong Hoong Hooi: Beyond gender politics
The women's movement here seems to prefer to focus on physical violence against women.
Acknowledging that boyfriends and husbands who are dominated also suffer abuse and bullying in silence does not seem to be in harmony with its notion of female victimisation.
Far from being naive, Ms Rose Mary Tan ("End of Abuse Within Reach", Nov 30) sees that focusing on providing the right family environment so that boys and girls are less likely to become abusers is far more positive than finger--pointing gender politics.
No doubt tt husband/boyfriend do get abused 2, however e way tt rose mary tan puts it across, it simply implies tt e wife/gfriend is at fault 2 b abused!!!!
Michael Chua Kheng Hwee: Nagging cause of men's violence
Perhaps the reason men tend to get violent with their wives could be due to the fact they are less articulate. When wives nag them, they may not be able to argue back as well as they would like to. So, they turn to the use of their fists.
The woman might save her skin by cutting down on nagging. The man might avoid his wife's nagging by exhibiting more "desirable" behaviour. The man who sows violence today, shall surely reap it someday.
do women like 2 nag??? y do women nag???? cos tt's e only way tt we can get e dumb ass o a husband/bfriend 2 respond.....being less articulate doesn't give u e rite 2 b violent!!!!
i hate it when pple do it...
Today Dec 3 2004
When one person's comfort is another's pain
AN unsolicited massage in the bus is an irritating experience.
It is when you suddenly feel a pressure on your cushioned back-rest. You turn around to find that the passenger behind you, has his or her knees up against your back-rest.
It may be relaxing for him but painful for you. Have you been a victim? Or were you guilty of doing this to the passenger in front of you?
I have been a victim several times while on my way home from a tiring day at work. There were days when I politely whispered to the guilty passenger "can you please take your knees off?"
Thankfully, most of them complied, despite my small-framed, bespectacled appearance.
There were days when I just avoided confrontation and moved to another seat.
But on some days, I was in the mood for a fight and gave the offender a dose of his/her own medicine.
There's no mystery to why passengers do this. It's comfortable. But please remember, the next time you are tempted to do so, your comfort is somebody else's discomfort!
Bienvenido L Gonzalez IV
When one person's comfort is another's pain
AN unsolicited massage in the bus is an irritating experience.
It is when you suddenly feel a pressure on your cushioned back-rest. You turn around to find that the passenger behind you, has his or her knees up against your back-rest.
It may be relaxing for him but painful for you. Have you been a victim? Or were you guilty of doing this to the passenger in front of you?
I have been a victim several times while on my way home from a tiring day at work. There were days when I politely whispered to the guilty passenger "can you please take your knees off?"
Thankfully, most of them complied, despite my small-framed, bespectacled appearance.
There were days when I just avoided confrontation and moved to another seat.
But on some days, I was in the mood for a fight and gave the offender a dose of his/her own medicine.
There's no mystery to why passengers do this. It's comfortable. But please remember, the next time you are tempted to do so, your comfort is somebody else's discomfort!
Bienvenido L Gonzalez IV
Thursday, December 02, 2004
no blogging last nite....
was gg 2 blog last nite after work b4 tkd...but e site was down & also cos i was 2 scared 2 stay bk alone in e office after my colleague told me sme "history" abt e office.....anyway, very sleepy & in not much o a mood 2 blog.....
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
spousal violence.....date rape....
Today November 25, 2004
Let us speak of the unspeakable
Urgent need to halt violence against women
No sex please. We're Asians (for Asians, read "Singaporeans"). Sexual harassment is not a problem in our society. We are Asians. We don't talk about sex.
Aids affect homosexuals more than heterosexuals. So, blame it on homosexuals and the non-government organisations, who are not doing their job of educating the public. However, please don't talk about condoms. That would promote promiscuous behaviour. Further, of course, as we are Asians, we don't talk about sex. It's against our culture.
Here's one of my favourite quotes. Not long ago, a gynaecologist explained the shortage of sperm and eggs in hospitals by saying: "It's simply not in our culture … to donate sperm." I wonder which Asian society is being referred to here.
It certainly is not the Singapore we read about and see around us. Last year, a survey of singles revealed six out of 10 men had multiple partners, three out of 10 men had one-night stands and three in 10 men had paid for sex.
Last month, Today reported that more than 100 young men visited prostitutes in Bintan regularly every weekend and that even though no formal statistics on sexually-transmitted diseases were available, 23 Singaporeans between 20 and 29 years of age have tested HIV-positive in the first six months of the year. Statistics also reveal that more women are being infected with Aids. I wonder who is spreading that around. However, we don't talk about sex.
Not so long ago, we didn't talk about violence against women either — till the Association of Women for Action and Research (Aware) exploded the myth that in Singapore, such violence was not a serious problem, neither was rape and, of course, sexual harassment does not exist.
Raising awareness of problems related to power and sex is a hard and continuing problem, yet few want to talk about it. However, it needs to be talked about.
Today is the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, a day to confront some of these issues. Aware is marking it by launching a two-week -long "White Ribbon campaign". It has been run by men since its launch in 1991, when Professor Michael Kaufman convinced more than 100,000 men in Canada to wear a white ribbon as a pledge never to commit, condone or remain silent about violence against women. Today, the campaign has spread to 65 countries. However, (surprise, surprise) Aware couldn't find men to run the campaign here. It's just not in our culture, I suppose.
Aware's campaign leaflet revealed the following statistics, compiled from media reports: From January to June this year, 72 incidents of rape were reported with 39 of the victims being under 19 years of age. The youngest is nine years old.
Last year, there were 1,082 cases of molestation, which is about three a day. One female was raped every three days and 61 of 110 rape cases involved girls aged 19 or younger. Nine out of 10 rape victims knew their attackers.
Seven people experience violence in their homes daily. In more than 80 per cent of the cases of domestic violence, the spouse is the abuser. The average age of the victims is 34.2 years. The average age of molest victims is 11.9 years. The average age of rape victims is less than 15 years old. The youngest perpetrator is a 15-year-old boy who raped his five-year-old cousin.
As part of this campaign, I was one of the speakers going to schools to raise awareness about sexual abuses and I am alarmed at the level of ignorance among girls about their own vulnerability. Ignorance does not protect. Instead, it makes them more vulnerable to abuse.
Awareness empowers. Awareness is raised by talking about the issues to prevent the destruction of lives, of the individual's self-worth, through being infected by HIV or by being sexually abused. We need to speak of the unspeakable. Not to speak of it, not to act is to be irresponsible.
The writer is a social activist.
Constance Singam
news@newstoday.com.sg
Today Nov 30 2004
End to abuse within reach
It is not up to men to stop violence against women; education is key
I refer to Constance Singam's News Comment, "Let us speak of the unspeakable" (Nov 25).
Truly, only women can change and stop violence against women. We cannot depend on men to help us if we don't first help ourselves.
So what can be done? Teach wives to love their husbands.
To take care of them with love and kindness.
Do not punish them by making them abstain from meeting their sexual needs because we feel we are not getting what we want.
Take care of their daily needs like we would our own children, make sure they are fed, clothed, warm and happy sexually.
If one gives love, one can only receive love.
Teach them to be mothers again. Tell them the importance of breastfeeding a child.
Take the time to nurture children. Do not abandon them to caregivers and expect them to turn out right.
Teach mothers to feed their families well.
It has long been said that heavy consumption of red meat promotes violent behaviour. Eating lots of fruits and vegetables helps digestion, reduces constipation and promotes good health in mind and body.
Teach women to change the family's diet and change the future.
Rose Mary Tan
What e fuck is tis stupid woman (Rose Mary Tan) trying 2 do???? trying 2 pursuade every1 2 go on a vegetarian diet???? Super pissed off when i saw tis article!!!! & i believe i'm not e only 1....read e following.....
Today December 1, 2004
Victims of abuse not to blame
Naive advice of no help in coping with problem of violence against women
I refer to Rose Mary Tan's letter, "End of abuse within reach" (Nov 30). I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I read her solutions for ending abuse. Having helped a close friend through three years of abuse by her husband, I can speak from experience: My friend was beaten up when she was nine months pregnant for preventing her husband from beating their daughter.
I was present at the hospital when she gave her statement to the police. At no time did the doctor, police or the court magistrate ask if her husband was constipated at the time of the assault.
At no time did they ask if she treated her daughter the same as her husband (as Rose Mary states: "Take care of their daily needs like we would our own children, make sure they are happy, warm and happy sexually.").
My friend only refused her husband once, and that was when he had her held hostage for 13 hours and tortured her.
Rose Mary also states, "If one gives love, one can only receive love." I would like to visit this utopia that she lives in. The reason my friend endured three years of violence is that she loved this man so much that she forgave him each time he said he was sorry.
Domestic violence has nothing to do with eating red meat, constipation or not treating men like children. It is about the abuse of power.
Using violence against another human being has nothing to do with love or the lack of it.
A man who hits his wife is a bully who knows his victim doesn't have the power or the will to get away. He knows that her love for him will keep her tied to him no matter how badly he treats her, and this makes him feel omnipotent.
That society turns a blind eye is affirmation, as he knows nobody will interfere. The longer he gets away with it, the more his violence escalates until it becomes an addiction.
The idea that this psychological defect can be corrected by giving a man everything he wants and feeding him a vegetarian diet is a sad reflection on how society values women: "It's not the man's fault, it's his mother's or wife's fault for not treating him as a god."
Violence in any area of life is unacceptable and inexcusable.
Kate Smith
Today December 1, 2004
Victims of abuse not to blame: Part 2
However well-intentioned, Ms Rose Mary Tan's recommendations wrongly blame women for domestic abuse and offer easy excuses for the unjustifiable levels of physical and verbal violence victims endure.
Victims of domestic abuse — predominantly female — are doubly shackled by the psychological and often financial hold their abusers have over them, and by an unsympathetic society that clings to the sadistic belief that they deserve their suffering. The result is that victims — women, children and men — suffer in silence because the majority cannot or will not acknowledge that domestic abuse is a social problem.
It is precisely this kind of hypocrisy that Ms Constance Singam condemned in her article ("Let us speak of the unspeakable", Nov 25).
Leon Lim Wen Hui
Today December 1, 2004
Victims of abuse not to blame: Part 3
Like Ms Tan, I would like to believe that "if one gives love, one can only receive love".
Unfortunately, experience has taught me that this is not always the case.
Has Ms Tan ever met anyone who has been abused? What she would tell a woman who has been beaten up by her husband just for asking: "Will you be home late tonight, dear"? What she would tell a girl who was raped by her uncle despite shouting "No!" throughout?
Yes, education is the key. But not in the way Ms Tan suggested. We must teach girls and boys about mutual respect, not to think that they know better than their partners and how to recognise and address an abusive relationship.
Tan Joo Hymn
Today November 27, 2004
THE HORROR, the humiliation
RAPE ...
Ng Shing Yishingyi@newstoday.com.sg
"WE WERE in his bedroom and no one was at home. He was living with his mum and sister who were at work that afternoon."
It started off with us having a heated discussion about his smoking habit. I was trying to take a pack of cigarettes away from him and suddenly he got very agitated and started saying that I was trying to control him and run his life. I didn't understand that he was actually angry with me.
"We were struggling on the bed and before I realised what was happening, he had pinned me down and was sitting on me. He had one hand over my face and neck. I felt like I was being strangled. I was focused on this and I didn't expect what came next — he raped me."
I was really scared for a while and didn't believe what he was trying to do. That probably gave him an advantage because I was so slow to react to what was happening, and when it was happening I couldn't do anything to stop it."
I remember thinking that he couldn't be THAT strong but I couldn't do anything to stop him. I kept thinking that this is not how I want to lose my virginity. All the time when I was trying to get him off me, I kept saying to myself that this can't happen because it is not supposed to happen."
May was just 17 when she was raped. And as in so many other cases of rape, it was by a man she considered a friend.
THE statistics on sexual violence against women in Singapore are startling. Every day, there are three molest cases. And every three days or so, a rape occurs. In nine of 10 of these rapes, the assailant is a family member, a friend or an acquaintance. These numbers, compiled from media reports by the Association of Women for Action and Research (Aware), may only scratch the surface of the situation, said Nominated MP and Aware president Braema Mathi.
"The figures are alarming, and what more of the unreported cases? These statistics only tell part of the story. There is another lot who hasn't come forward to report sexual violence against them, as these are the hardest acts to talk about for fear of taboo, humiliation or shame," she said.
For May, who is now 28 and happily engaged, it was years before she told anyone about her date rape. Years during which she had major self-confidence issues and problems with her relationships. "I think the biggest mistake I made was in not talking about it with someone as soon as it happened," said May (a pseudonym) in an email interview. "I was extremely ashamed of myself and I was sure no one would take me seriously especially since I was at his house when it happened. I really blamed myself for it, especially because my parents were strongly advising me not to get involved with any boys at that age.
"We were from the same school and I was afraid that if I made a fuss it would be all over the school. All sorts of weird thoughts were in my head for days after the incident and then I finally decided that I wasn't going to do anything about it. So I tried to put it behind me and live a normal life as much as I could."
But it never ever felt normal again. For years I had lots of problems with boyfriends. I had a lot of issues with my self-confidence and always found it easy to blame myself for things that went wrong in relationships."
I even stuck it out with a boyfriend who was very possessive and verbally abusive because I felt like I owed it to myself to make it right and not have another failure."
Rape victims are often very young. In the first six months of the year, the victims in 39 of the 72 rape cases reported in the media were aged 19 and below. The youngest was just nine years old. Because they are so young and feel so powerless, they often suffer in silence, said Aware counsellor Vera Handojo. "One of the youngest cases was a girl who had been raped when she was 3 or 4 years old, by her father. The incest went on for 10 years. Only when she was 25 did she seek help, belatedly," said Ms Handojo.
Another case was that of a 21-year-old girl who sought help after being molested by her divorced mother's boyfriend. She was "touched inappropriately" for at least eight years starting when she was eight years old."
They often feel like they have no choice but to put up with the violation, as they are dependent on their parents. When they do crack, they run away. Or perhaps their teachers find out. Only when they are adult and the assault is no longer happening, do they move out of the house, quietly leave the country, or stand up to their attackers," said Ms Handojo. May encourages victims of sexual assault to step forward and seek help, like she did.
"I wish I had reported it to the police and taken the proper actions. I wish I had confronted him for what he did rather than hide from it for such a long part of my life but I was extremely ashamed of myself, and I was sure no one would take me seriously," she said.
"I think every woman should be confident enough to know that when something like this happens, the last thing they should do is blame themselves because no matter where it happens or who the perpetrator is, there is just no excuse for it. It's as plain and simple as that. No one should put up with it and no one should ever feel ashamed to ask for help because help is always there."
BOX: If you are a victim of sexual violence, or see or suspect a case of violence against a woman, and would like to speak to someone about it, please call:
AWARE Helpline : 1800-774-5935
Family Service Centre Hotline: 1800-838-0100
Promoting Alternatives to Violence: 6555-0390
Family Protection Unit (Family Court): 6435-5077
Samaritans of Singapore: 1800-221-4444
Today November 30, 2004
Timely warning on the dangers of pre-marital sex
In conjunction with World Aids Day tomorrow, I would like to urge Singapore parents to remind their teenage children of the very real dangers of pre-marital sex.
As of last year, Singapore had 14 detected cases of teenagers with Aids. Just listen to their "too-late" regrets:
John, 20: "Plans? I don't make any plans. How to when you don't have a future?"
Veronica, 18: "When we first had sex, you think it just can't happen to you. I mean how unlucky can you get? Besides, I trusted my boyfriend. Now I feel I have no control over my own life.
"For a teenage girl, to be pregnant with an unwanted baby is not as disastrous as contracting Aids. Aids can also be transmitted from an infected mother to her baby.
An American doctor who has treated many teenage Aids victims had these wise words: "I'm going to tell my daughters that having sex is dangerous and that condoms give a false sense of security. "Reducing is not the same as eliminating the risk of a disease like Aids. There is no safe sex. We should stop kidding ourselves. Passing out condoms to teenagers is like issuing them squirt guns for a four-alarm blaze.
"Concerned parents should ponder: While your son or daughter may be well brought up, if he or she should fall in love and marry someone who has been "sleeping around", the risk of Aids is not only just for your child, but your future grandchildren as well.
See Leong Kit
Is it cos pple r more causal wif sex tt rape by pple victims know increase????
Let us speak of the unspeakable
Urgent need to halt violence against women
No sex please. We're Asians (for Asians, read "Singaporeans"). Sexual harassment is not a problem in our society. We are Asians. We don't talk about sex.
Aids affect homosexuals more than heterosexuals. So, blame it on homosexuals and the non-government organisations, who are not doing their job of educating the public. However, please don't talk about condoms. That would promote promiscuous behaviour. Further, of course, as we are Asians, we don't talk about sex. It's against our culture.
Here's one of my favourite quotes. Not long ago, a gynaecologist explained the shortage of sperm and eggs in hospitals by saying: "It's simply not in our culture … to donate sperm." I wonder which Asian society is being referred to here.
It certainly is not the Singapore we read about and see around us. Last year, a survey of singles revealed six out of 10 men had multiple partners, three out of 10 men had one-night stands and three in 10 men had paid for sex.
Last month, Today reported that more than 100 young men visited prostitutes in Bintan regularly every weekend and that even though no formal statistics on sexually-transmitted diseases were available, 23 Singaporeans between 20 and 29 years of age have tested HIV-positive in the first six months of the year. Statistics also reveal that more women are being infected with Aids. I wonder who is spreading that around. However, we don't talk about sex.
Not so long ago, we didn't talk about violence against women either — till the Association of Women for Action and Research (Aware) exploded the myth that in Singapore, such violence was not a serious problem, neither was rape and, of course, sexual harassment does not exist.
Raising awareness of problems related to power and sex is a hard and continuing problem, yet few want to talk about it. However, it needs to be talked about.
Today is the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, a day to confront some of these issues. Aware is marking it by launching a two-week -long "White Ribbon campaign". It has been run by men since its launch in 1991, when Professor Michael Kaufman convinced more than 100,000 men in Canada to wear a white ribbon as a pledge never to commit, condone or remain silent about violence against women. Today, the campaign has spread to 65 countries. However, (surprise, surprise) Aware couldn't find men to run the campaign here. It's just not in our culture, I suppose.
Aware's campaign leaflet revealed the following statistics, compiled from media reports: From January to June this year, 72 incidents of rape were reported with 39 of the victims being under 19 years of age. The youngest is nine years old.
Last year, there were 1,082 cases of molestation, which is about three a day. One female was raped every three days and 61 of 110 rape cases involved girls aged 19 or younger. Nine out of 10 rape victims knew their attackers.
Seven people experience violence in their homes daily. In more than 80 per cent of the cases of domestic violence, the spouse is the abuser. The average age of the victims is 34.2 years. The average age of molest victims is 11.9 years. The average age of rape victims is less than 15 years old. The youngest perpetrator is a 15-year-old boy who raped his five-year-old cousin.
As part of this campaign, I was one of the speakers going to schools to raise awareness about sexual abuses and I am alarmed at the level of ignorance among girls about their own vulnerability. Ignorance does not protect. Instead, it makes them more vulnerable to abuse.
Awareness empowers. Awareness is raised by talking about the issues to prevent the destruction of lives, of the individual's self-worth, through being infected by HIV or by being sexually abused. We need to speak of the unspeakable. Not to speak of it, not to act is to be irresponsible.
The writer is a social activist.
Constance Singam
news@newstoday.com.sg
Today Nov 30 2004
End to abuse within reach
It is not up to men to stop violence against women; education is key
I refer to Constance Singam's News Comment, "Let us speak of the unspeakable" (Nov 25).
Truly, only women can change and stop violence against women. We cannot depend on men to help us if we don't first help ourselves.
So what can be done? Teach wives to love their husbands.
To take care of them with love and kindness.
Do not punish them by making them abstain from meeting their sexual needs because we feel we are not getting what we want.
Take care of their daily needs like we would our own children, make sure they are fed, clothed, warm and happy sexually.
If one gives love, one can only receive love.
Teach them to be mothers again. Tell them the importance of breastfeeding a child.
Take the time to nurture children. Do not abandon them to caregivers and expect them to turn out right.
Teach mothers to feed their families well.
It has long been said that heavy consumption of red meat promotes violent behaviour. Eating lots of fruits and vegetables helps digestion, reduces constipation and promotes good health in mind and body.
Teach women to change the family's diet and change the future.
Rose Mary Tan
What e fuck is tis stupid woman (Rose Mary Tan) trying 2 do???? trying 2 pursuade every1 2 go on a vegetarian diet???? Super pissed off when i saw tis article!!!! & i believe i'm not e only 1....read e following.....
Today December 1, 2004
Victims of abuse not to blame
Naive advice of no help in coping with problem of violence against women
I refer to Rose Mary Tan's letter, "End of abuse within reach" (Nov 30). I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I read her solutions for ending abuse. Having helped a close friend through three years of abuse by her husband, I can speak from experience: My friend was beaten up when she was nine months pregnant for preventing her husband from beating their daughter.
I was present at the hospital when she gave her statement to the police. At no time did the doctor, police or the court magistrate ask if her husband was constipated at the time of the assault.
At no time did they ask if she treated her daughter the same as her husband (as Rose Mary states: "Take care of their daily needs like we would our own children, make sure they are happy, warm and happy sexually.").
My friend only refused her husband once, and that was when he had her held hostage for 13 hours and tortured her.
Rose Mary also states, "If one gives love, one can only receive love." I would like to visit this utopia that she lives in. The reason my friend endured three years of violence is that she loved this man so much that she forgave him each time he said he was sorry.
Domestic violence has nothing to do with eating red meat, constipation or not treating men like children. It is about the abuse of power.
Using violence against another human being has nothing to do with love or the lack of it.
A man who hits his wife is a bully who knows his victim doesn't have the power or the will to get away. He knows that her love for him will keep her tied to him no matter how badly he treats her, and this makes him feel omnipotent.
That society turns a blind eye is affirmation, as he knows nobody will interfere. The longer he gets away with it, the more his violence escalates until it becomes an addiction.
The idea that this psychological defect can be corrected by giving a man everything he wants and feeding him a vegetarian diet is a sad reflection on how society values women: "It's not the man's fault, it's his mother's or wife's fault for not treating him as a god."
Violence in any area of life is unacceptable and inexcusable.
Kate Smith
Today December 1, 2004
Victims of abuse not to blame: Part 2
However well-intentioned, Ms Rose Mary Tan's recommendations wrongly blame women for domestic abuse and offer easy excuses for the unjustifiable levels of physical and verbal violence victims endure.
Victims of domestic abuse — predominantly female — are doubly shackled by the psychological and often financial hold their abusers have over them, and by an unsympathetic society that clings to the sadistic belief that they deserve their suffering. The result is that victims — women, children and men — suffer in silence because the majority cannot or will not acknowledge that domestic abuse is a social problem.
It is precisely this kind of hypocrisy that Ms Constance Singam condemned in her article ("Let us speak of the unspeakable", Nov 25).
Leon Lim Wen Hui
Today December 1, 2004
Victims of abuse not to blame: Part 3
Like Ms Tan, I would like to believe that "if one gives love, one can only receive love".
Unfortunately, experience has taught me that this is not always the case.
Has Ms Tan ever met anyone who has been abused? What she would tell a woman who has been beaten up by her husband just for asking: "Will you be home late tonight, dear"? What she would tell a girl who was raped by her uncle despite shouting "No!" throughout?
Yes, education is the key. But not in the way Ms Tan suggested. We must teach girls and boys about mutual respect, not to think that they know better than their partners and how to recognise and address an abusive relationship.
Tan Joo Hymn
Today November 27, 2004
THE HORROR, the humiliation
RAPE ...
Ng Shing Yishingyi@newstoday.com.sg
"WE WERE in his bedroom and no one was at home. He was living with his mum and sister who were at work that afternoon."
It started off with us having a heated discussion about his smoking habit. I was trying to take a pack of cigarettes away from him and suddenly he got very agitated and started saying that I was trying to control him and run his life. I didn't understand that he was actually angry with me.
"We were struggling on the bed and before I realised what was happening, he had pinned me down and was sitting on me. He had one hand over my face and neck. I felt like I was being strangled. I was focused on this and I didn't expect what came next — he raped me."
I was really scared for a while and didn't believe what he was trying to do. That probably gave him an advantage because I was so slow to react to what was happening, and when it was happening I couldn't do anything to stop it."
I remember thinking that he couldn't be THAT strong but I couldn't do anything to stop him. I kept thinking that this is not how I want to lose my virginity. All the time when I was trying to get him off me, I kept saying to myself that this can't happen because it is not supposed to happen."
May was just 17 when she was raped. And as in so many other cases of rape, it was by a man she considered a friend.
THE statistics on sexual violence against women in Singapore are startling. Every day, there are three molest cases. And every three days or so, a rape occurs. In nine of 10 of these rapes, the assailant is a family member, a friend or an acquaintance. These numbers, compiled from media reports by the Association of Women for Action and Research (Aware), may only scratch the surface of the situation, said Nominated MP and Aware president Braema Mathi.
"The figures are alarming, and what more of the unreported cases? These statistics only tell part of the story. There is another lot who hasn't come forward to report sexual violence against them, as these are the hardest acts to talk about for fear of taboo, humiliation or shame," she said.
For May, who is now 28 and happily engaged, it was years before she told anyone about her date rape. Years during which she had major self-confidence issues and problems with her relationships. "I think the biggest mistake I made was in not talking about it with someone as soon as it happened," said May (a pseudonym) in an email interview. "I was extremely ashamed of myself and I was sure no one would take me seriously especially since I was at his house when it happened. I really blamed myself for it, especially because my parents were strongly advising me not to get involved with any boys at that age.
"We were from the same school and I was afraid that if I made a fuss it would be all over the school. All sorts of weird thoughts were in my head for days after the incident and then I finally decided that I wasn't going to do anything about it. So I tried to put it behind me and live a normal life as much as I could."
But it never ever felt normal again. For years I had lots of problems with boyfriends. I had a lot of issues with my self-confidence and always found it easy to blame myself for things that went wrong in relationships."
I even stuck it out with a boyfriend who was very possessive and verbally abusive because I felt like I owed it to myself to make it right and not have another failure."
Rape victims are often very young. In the first six months of the year, the victims in 39 of the 72 rape cases reported in the media were aged 19 and below. The youngest was just nine years old. Because they are so young and feel so powerless, they often suffer in silence, said Aware counsellor Vera Handojo. "One of the youngest cases was a girl who had been raped when she was 3 or 4 years old, by her father. The incest went on for 10 years. Only when she was 25 did she seek help, belatedly," said Ms Handojo.
Another case was that of a 21-year-old girl who sought help after being molested by her divorced mother's boyfriend. She was "touched inappropriately" for at least eight years starting when she was eight years old."
They often feel like they have no choice but to put up with the violation, as they are dependent on their parents. When they do crack, they run away. Or perhaps their teachers find out. Only when they are adult and the assault is no longer happening, do they move out of the house, quietly leave the country, or stand up to their attackers," said Ms Handojo. May encourages victims of sexual assault to step forward and seek help, like she did.
"I wish I had reported it to the police and taken the proper actions. I wish I had confronted him for what he did rather than hide from it for such a long part of my life but I was extremely ashamed of myself, and I was sure no one would take me seriously," she said.
"I think every woman should be confident enough to know that when something like this happens, the last thing they should do is blame themselves because no matter where it happens or who the perpetrator is, there is just no excuse for it. It's as plain and simple as that. No one should put up with it and no one should ever feel ashamed to ask for help because help is always there."
BOX: If you are a victim of sexual violence, or see or suspect a case of violence against a woman, and would like to speak to someone about it, please call:
AWARE Helpline : 1800-774-5935
Family Service Centre Hotline: 1800-838-0100
Promoting Alternatives to Violence: 6555-0390
Family Protection Unit (Family Court): 6435-5077
Samaritans of Singapore: 1800-221-4444
Today November 30, 2004
Timely warning on the dangers of pre-marital sex
In conjunction with World Aids Day tomorrow, I would like to urge Singapore parents to remind their teenage children of the very real dangers of pre-marital sex.
As of last year, Singapore had 14 detected cases of teenagers with Aids. Just listen to their "too-late" regrets:
John, 20: "Plans? I don't make any plans. How to when you don't have a future?"
Veronica, 18: "When we first had sex, you think it just can't happen to you. I mean how unlucky can you get? Besides, I trusted my boyfriend. Now I feel I have no control over my own life.
"For a teenage girl, to be pregnant with an unwanted baby is not as disastrous as contracting Aids. Aids can also be transmitted from an infected mother to her baby.
An American doctor who has treated many teenage Aids victims had these wise words: "I'm going to tell my daughters that having sex is dangerous and that condoms give a false sense of security. "Reducing is not the same as eliminating the risk of a disease like Aids. There is no safe sex. We should stop kidding ourselves. Passing out condoms to teenagers is like issuing them squirt guns for a four-alarm blaze.
"Concerned parents should ponder: While your son or daughter may be well brought up, if he or she should fall in love and marry someone who has been "sleeping around", the risk of Aids is not only just for your child, but your future grandchildren as well.
See Leong Kit
Is it cos pple r more causal wif sex tt rape by pple victims know increase????
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
hahaha....cold joke....
This is hilarious ......... even an Englishman could not concoct sentences using numeric, which is exclusive only to Singaporeans.
Lim Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 0. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1.This is what he came up with ......
"1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep. But couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushes out and wanted to 5 with me. I run until I fall 6 and throw out. So I go into 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab him. 10 God he runs away. So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work He also asks me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand, I so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1"
Lim Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 0. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1.This is what he came up with ......
"1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep. But couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushes out and wanted to 5 with me. I run until I fall 6 and throw out. So I go into 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab him. 10 God he runs away. So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work He also asks me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand, I so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1"
Monday, November 29, 2004
courage....
"Should I spot Sunny - and my few remaining friends - on the street, I trust I can muster the energy to walk up to them and say 'hi'. For, really,that is all it takes to keep a friendship alive.
The greatest regrets in our lives are the risks we did not take. If you think something will make you happy, go for it. Remember that we pass this way only once. "The hardest part in loving a person from a distance is not being able to hold her hand and embrace her tight and tell her how much you love her - because you are only a friend.""
-from earlier entry on friendship....
easier said than done.....at least 4 me......
can sme1 explain e sentence in red 4 me????
The greatest regrets in our lives are the risks we did not take. If you think something will make you happy, go for it. Remember that we pass this way only once. "The hardest part in loving a person from a distance is not being able to hold her hand and embrace her tight and tell her how much you love her - because you are only a friend.""
-from earlier entry on friendship....
easier said than done.....at least 4 me......
can sme1 explain e sentence in red 4 me????
birthday....
happy belated bday 2 me.....thks mom 4 bringing me into tis world......
i never really like 2 celebrate my bday actually......i celebrate it cos then i can bring e impt pple in my life 2gather.......i tink tt's e only day when i've e "authority" 2 ask pple 2 drop everything else & come 2gather.....happy tt 7 o us were there ytd......sorry tt e dinner was so x.....i didn't know......i only tot it wld b a great place 2 check since there isn't usu a big crowd.....
1 person missing.....she was involved in n exhibition or smething like tt.....i feel tired......i smile 2 hide my tiredness......i open my eyes 2 show i'm awake......i like e feel o chatting......i like 2 know u r comfortable wif baring ur heart 2 me but at e same time i know there're still bits & pieces which every1 1 2 keep a secret.....
i really hope toto 2nite wld get every1 out o proverty.....i 1 2 let my parents go 4 a holiday...i will go wif them cos i never really appreciated them.....i know i wld b pissed at e trip, i know tt dad will always complain.....but all these i know but has it happened? no, not yet, so y not juz go 4 it, mayb it wldn't happen.....dun tink so much....no need 2 tink so much.....if it is as predicted, 100 marks 4 accuracy, if it doesn't it's a bonus!
shoot...i'm really juz writing down my random tots......
cross my fingers 4 e bonus 4 tis yr.....
happy birthday 2 me & 2 every1.......
shooting stars.....sunrise.....windy nite.....heart2heart........silly giggles.....laughing out loud.....mayb even crying/weeping......i'm waiting 4 e nite......
i never really like 2 celebrate my bday actually......i celebrate it cos then i can bring e impt pple in my life 2gather.......i tink tt's e only day when i've e "authority" 2 ask pple 2 drop everything else & come 2gather.....happy tt 7 o us were there ytd......sorry tt e dinner was so x.....i didn't know......i only tot it wld b a great place 2 check since there isn't usu a big crowd.....
1 person missing.....she was involved in n exhibition or smething like tt.....i feel tired......i smile 2 hide my tiredness......i open my eyes 2 show i'm awake......i like e feel o chatting......i like 2 know u r comfortable wif baring ur heart 2 me but at e same time i know there're still bits & pieces which every1 1 2 keep a secret.....
i really hope toto 2nite wld get every1 out o proverty.....i 1 2 let my parents go 4 a holiday...i will go wif them cos i never really appreciated them.....i know i wld b pissed at e trip, i know tt dad will always complain.....but all these i know but has it happened? no, not yet, so y not juz go 4 it, mayb it wldn't happen.....dun tink so much....no need 2 tink so much.....if it is as predicted, 100 marks 4 accuracy, if it doesn't it's a bonus!
shoot...i'm really juz writing down my random tots......
cross my fingers 4 e bonus 4 tis yr.....
happy birthday 2 me & 2 every1.......
shooting stars.....sunrise.....windy nite.....heart2heart........silly giggles.....laughing out loud.....mayb even crying/weeping......i'm waiting 4 e nite......
responsibilities.....
i know as u grow older, u've more & more responsibilities....i know it's inevitable....but really...i really dun 1 it.....tt's y i tink i'll never b a gd daughter, girlfriend or a mother.....i know i run whenever i sense committment.....e past few days made me tink more...even though i was in a concussed state most o e time......i'm irresponsible & i admit.....but i'm not doing anything abt it.....i dun 1 2 do anything abt it.....i 1 others 2 b responsible 4 me but at e same time i'm afraid when pple respond 2 gd 2 me cos i know i need 2 b responsible 2 them.....
i was disappointed then cos i really dunno y u acted tt way.....i tot every1 1ed 2 've fun 2gather....i tot it was gg 2 b a great time 4 u as well as 4 me....i know pple change....i dun blame them & i dun 've a choice anyway....i change 2....there had been many time b4 when i felt disappointed....i must admit.....but i know tt not everything comes as wat ur heart 1s....so i learn 2 accept it & i grew tired......i went 2 other pastures but i found tt i still long 4 e same pasture more.....although e pasture may not b wat it used 2 b, i still cherish it at least up till tis very moment.....many things r inevitable, but how do u get used 2 it???? y must u get used 2 it???? do we always have 2 follow convention???? i dun 1 2 but i didn't put in effort 2 change anything.....e only excuse i can give is tt i'm tired & i'm lazy......
i dunno if i'm making any sense now cos i'm still concussed at tis moment.....my brain's a total blank & i'm juz typing away without much tot......i dunno if i'll offend any1 whether it'll change anything if at all.......
last conclusion.....e person i never say hi 2, i tink i'll never muster up e courage 2 say hi even if i meet him.....i dunno y but i know i wldn't.....i hope he says hi 1st cos i dun tink i'll unless he does it.....but y doesn't he say hi when he saw me???? i 1 2 know but i'm not doing anything......
problem wif me: i only tink i never do.....
concussed totally.....sleepy totally......lazy totally....
i was disappointed then cos i really dunno y u acted tt way.....i tot every1 1ed 2 've fun 2gather....i tot it was gg 2 b a great time 4 u as well as 4 me....i know pple change....i dun blame them & i dun 've a choice anyway....i change 2....there had been many time b4 when i felt disappointed....i must admit.....but i know tt not everything comes as wat ur heart 1s....so i learn 2 accept it & i grew tired......i went 2 other pastures but i found tt i still long 4 e same pasture more.....although e pasture may not b wat it used 2 b, i still cherish it at least up till tis very moment.....many things r inevitable, but how do u get used 2 it???? y must u get used 2 it???? do we always have 2 follow convention???? i dun 1 2 but i didn't put in effort 2 change anything.....e only excuse i can give is tt i'm tired & i'm lazy......
i dunno if i'm making any sense now cos i'm still concussed at tis moment.....my brain's a total blank & i'm juz typing away without much tot......i dunno if i'll offend any1 whether it'll change anything if at all.......
last conclusion.....e person i never say hi 2, i tink i'll never muster up e courage 2 say hi even if i meet him.....i dunno y but i know i wldn't.....i hope he says hi 1st cos i dun tink i'll unless he does it.....but y doesn't he say hi when he saw me???? i 1 2 know but i'm not doing anything......
problem wif me: i only tink i never do.....
concussed totally.....sleepy totally......lazy totally....
Friday, November 26, 2004
ST Nov 26, 2004
Mother is the most beautiful word
London - MOTHER is the most beautiful word in the English language, followed by passion, smile, love and eternity, according to a worldwide survey released yesterday.
The British Council, the government agency that promotes British culture around the globe, quizzed more than 40,000 people in 102 non-English speaking countries on their favourite words.
Fantastic, destiny, freedom, liberty and tranquility filled out the top 10 rankings of most beautiful English words, out of a list of 70 words.
Others that made the grade included lollipop (42), flip-flop (59), hen night (70) and banana (41), along with twinkle (23), hiccup (63) and oi (61).
'It is interesting that mother, the only word of the 70 that describes a direct relationship between people, came top of the poll,' said a British Council spokesman.
Father did not make the list at all. \-- AGENCE FRANCE-PRESSE
Mother is the most beautiful word
London - MOTHER is the most beautiful word in the English language, followed by passion, smile, love and eternity, according to a worldwide survey released yesterday.
The British Council, the government agency that promotes British culture around the globe, quizzed more than 40,000 people in 102 non-English speaking countries on their favourite words.
Fantastic, destiny, freedom, liberty and tranquility filled out the top 10 rankings of most beautiful English words, out of a list of 70 words.
Others that made the grade included lollipop (42), flip-flop (59), hen night (70) and banana (41), along with twinkle (23), hiccup (63) and oi (61).
'It is interesting that mother, the only word of the 70 that describes a direct relationship between people, came top of the poll,' said a British Council spokesman.
Father did not make the list at all. \-- AGENCE FRANCE-PRESSE
Thursday, November 25, 2004
friendship....
My friend sent me tis article & i tink i 1 2 share it....actually shldn't describe him as a friend....more o an acquaintance......sme1 i know in my sign lang class....dunno e exact date tt tis article was in e news.....
A moving article by Sumiko Tan:
StraitsTimes -
Too old to make new friends?
SUNNY, one of my dearest friends at work, will leaveThe Straits Times next month for greener pastures. He is not my first friend from the office to say goodbye. Over the years, there have been a handful of colleagues who became friends. In recent times, at least three others have also left. When Sunny told me that he was leaving, I moaned: 'With you gone, I will have hardly any friends left in the office!' Which set me thinking: At what point doesan acquaintance or colleague become a friend? And, to take a step back, what is this concept called 'friendship' anyway?
Indeed, what makes you click withone person and form a friendship with him, but not some other? If a friend is defined as someone I feel completely comfortable calling up at 3 am to bail me out of trouble - and Sunny will do so - then, alas, I don't have that many friends. Other than family members, I can count on just one female friend and three, at best four, male friends. But then, maybe that's plenty. As someone once said, one friend in a lifetime is much, two are many, three are hardly possible.
FRIENDSHIPS are different from relationships - and thank goodness for that. You can be great chums with your partner, of course, but a relationship is so much more complex. It is not only about that enrapturing feeling called love, but - if you are unlucky - also a host of murky emotions like jealousy, resentment, anger, pain and despair. Friendship is simpler and fills you, mostly, with harmless Type B emotions - kindliness, fondness, warmth and cordiality. With a lover, you make demands and have expectations. But with a friend, you're cool. You don't really owe him anything, or have to explain much, because, ultimately, you demand nothing more from each other than pleasant company and an occasional listening ear. Love, I read somewhere, is blind, but friendship closes its eyes. How true.
THE older I get, the more I value friends. Yet, ironically, I find that it is now not only harder for me to maintain old friendships, but also to form new ones. When I was in school, friendships came naturally. My friends and I moved in a pack - we ate, studied, gossiped and partied together. We exchanged secrets and gifts, sent cards and gave treats. Our friendships were firm, and sweet. Coming from an all-girls school, I didn't get to make male friends until I was in junior college. Initial shyness aside, I found that it was possible to have a platonic relationship with a guy, and that they made equally good friends. By the time I went to university, I was already attached, and had little time to make new friends, male or female. Then came working life.
Through sheer proximity and the amount of time spent together, it was inevitable that some colleagues became more than co workers. What is it that allows you to become friends with some people, and not others? Shared experience is one requisite, and the sharper it is, the better. For Sunny and I, it was our years spent pounding the same beat, politics. That X factor called 'chemistry' is another, and I suppose this explains how you can be firm friends with people who are very different from you.
THE saddest thing about friendship is that it can die.It doesn't come with a lifelong guarantee.
Distance is one killer. Unless you are diligent in keeping in touch with a friend, being far away can drive a wedge in your relationship. Changes in circumstance is another. It has been said that a friend in power is a friend lost, and I have found this to be true. When a friend moves up in life, he will become too busy for you, while you don't want to risk rejection by trying to keep in contact with him. Marriages have also caused friendships to fade as your spouse might not take to your friends.
Then there are friendships that die because they have simply run their course. I had a close female friend whom I had known since we were both 17. About four years back, after 16 years of keeping in touch through the mail, long hours on thephone and giggly lunches, our friendship died. Just like that. There was no quarrel, no disagreement, no underlying unhappiness or animosity or hurts. The plug was just pulled. The last time we saw each other was at lunch - in fact, it was to celebrate her birthday. We were our usual loud selves. After the meal, we gave our usual hug, said our usual cheery goodbyes and made our usual promise to meet again. We didn't call each other for weeks (which was normal, as we were both busy), then months (which began to feel a bit strange, but nothing to be alarmed about), then, yes, years (by then, it was too late to resuscitate the friendship).We did talk once, last year, when my father died and she called. I was grateful to hear from her and I know it took a lot for her to pick up the phone after so many years. I wish nothing but the best for her, and am always glad to hear from mutual friends that she is well. Yet, I know that if we were to bump into each other today, it would feel awkward.
IF I value friendship so much, why don't I just go forth and make more friends? It is easier said than done. People my age and older are busy with careers and family. I have fewer things in common with those younger. But the fault is mine. At my age, I lack the energy and enthusiasm.
Starting and maintaining a friendship might be far less arduous than a relationship, but it still requires effort. Do I have the strength for that on top of the other demands in my life? So, next month, I say goodbye to Sunny and I am left with one friend fewer at work. British writer Virginia Woolf once said: 'I have lost friends, some by death - others by sheer inability to cross the street.' Should I spot Sunny - and my few remaining friends - on the street, I trust I can muster the energy to walk up to them and say 'hi'. For, really,that is all it takes to keep a friendship alive.
The greatest regrets in our lives are the risks we did not take. If you think something will make you happy, go for it. Remember that we pass this way only once. "The hardest part in loving a person from a distance is not being able to hold her hand and embrace her tight and tell her how much you love her - because you are only a friend."
A moving article by Sumiko Tan:
StraitsTimes -
Too old to make new friends?
SUNNY, one of my dearest friends at work, will leaveThe Straits Times next month for greener pastures. He is not my first friend from the office to say goodbye. Over the years, there have been a handful of colleagues who became friends. In recent times, at least three others have also left. When Sunny told me that he was leaving, I moaned: 'With you gone, I will have hardly any friends left in the office!' Which set me thinking: At what point doesan acquaintance or colleague become a friend? And, to take a step back, what is this concept called 'friendship' anyway?
Indeed, what makes you click withone person and form a friendship with him, but not some other? If a friend is defined as someone I feel completely comfortable calling up at 3 am to bail me out of trouble - and Sunny will do so - then, alas, I don't have that many friends. Other than family members, I can count on just one female friend and three, at best four, male friends. But then, maybe that's plenty. As someone once said, one friend in a lifetime is much, two are many, three are hardly possible.
FRIENDSHIPS are different from relationships - and thank goodness for that. You can be great chums with your partner, of course, but a relationship is so much more complex. It is not only about that enrapturing feeling called love, but - if you are unlucky - also a host of murky emotions like jealousy, resentment, anger, pain and despair. Friendship is simpler and fills you, mostly, with harmless Type B emotions - kindliness, fondness, warmth and cordiality. With a lover, you make demands and have expectations. But with a friend, you're cool. You don't really owe him anything, or have to explain much, because, ultimately, you demand nothing more from each other than pleasant company and an occasional listening ear. Love, I read somewhere, is blind, but friendship closes its eyes. How true.
THE older I get, the more I value friends. Yet, ironically, I find that it is now not only harder for me to maintain old friendships, but also to form new ones. When I was in school, friendships came naturally. My friends and I moved in a pack - we ate, studied, gossiped and partied together. We exchanged secrets and gifts, sent cards and gave treats. Our friendships were firm, and sweet. Coming from an all-girls school, I didn't get to make male friends until I was in junior college. Initial shyness aside, I found that it was possible to have a platonic relationship with a guy, and that they made equally good friends. By the time I went to university, I was already attached, and had little time to make new friends, male or female. Then came working life.
Through sheer proximity and the amount of time spent together, it was inevitable that some colleagues became more than co workers. What is it that allows you to become friends with some people, and not others? Shared experience is one requisite, and the sharper it is, the better. For Sunny and I, it was our years spent pounding the same beat, politics. That X factor called 'chemistry' is another, and I suppose this explains how you can be firm friends with people who are very different from you.
THE saddest thing about friendship is that it can die.It doesn't come with a lifelong guarantee.
Distance is one killer. Unless you are diligent in keeping in touch with a friend, being far away can drive a wedge in your relationship. Changes in circumstance is another. It has been said that a friend in power is a friend lost, and I have found this to be true. When a friend moves up in life, he will become too busy for you, while you don't want to risk rejection by trying to keep in contact with him. Marriages have also caused friendships to fade as your spouse might not take to your friends.
Then there are friendships that die because they have simply run their course. I had a close female friend whom I had known since we were both 17. About four years back, after 16 years of keeping in touch through the mail, long hours on thephone and giggly lunches, our friendship died. Just like that. There was no quarrel, no disagreement, no underlying unhappiness or animosity or hurts. The plug was just pulled. The last time we saw each other was at lunch - in fact, it was to celebrate her birthday. We were our usual loud selves. After the meal, we gave our usual hug, said our usual cheery goodbyes and made our usual promise to meet again. We didn't call each other for weeks (which was normal, as we were both busy), then months (which began to feel a bit strange, but nothing to be alarmed about), then, yes, years (by then, it was too late to resuscitate the friendship).We did talk once, last year, when my father died and she called. I was grateful to hear from her and I know it took a lot for her to pick up the phone after so many years. I wish nothing but the best for her, and am always glad to hear from mutual friends that she is well. Yet, I know that if we were to bump into each other today, it would feel awkward.
IF I value friendship so much, why don't I just go forth and make more friends? It is easier said than done. People my age and older are busy with careers and family. I have fewer things in common with those younger. But the fault is mine. At my age, I lack the energy and enthusiasm.
Starting and maintaining a friendship might be far less arduous than a relationship, but it still requires effort. Do I have the strength for that on top of the other demands in my life? So, next month, I say goodbye to Sunny and I am left with one friend fewer at work. British writer Virginia Woolf once said: 'I have lost friends, some by death - others by sheer inability to cross the street.' Should I spot Sunny - and my few remaining friends - on the street, I trust I can muster the energy to walk up to them and say 'hi'. For, really,that is all it takes to keep a friendship alive.
The greatest regrets in our lives are the risks we did not take. If you think something will make you happy, go for it. Remember that we pass this way only once. "The hardest part in loving a person from a distance is not being able to hold her hand and embrace her tight and tell her how much you love her - because you are only a friend."
Stand up for S'pore.......
No matter how others might judge S'pore, no matter how many times we complain abt S'pore, no matter how much we hate having 2 listen 2 e govt, no matter how we always 've 2 get tt piece o paper at all cost, I STILL LOVE SINGAPORE!!!!
ST Nov 25, 2004
Hats off to an admirable state
By Lin Bao Ling
SOMETIMES, I must take my hat off to Singapore. As I say this, I am in central-northern Malaysia. So, I do not have the love-hate feelings about Singapore I would have if I were in Johor Baru, which is a strip of water away from the Republic. But like 'Federation people', as we are known to Singaporeans, I am both envious and jealous of our small but rich neighbouring state.
The Republic is a truly amazing country and its government is remarkable. But even as I say this, I still think that Singapore is too modernised and orderly, lacking freedom, imagination and creativity. And I still feel contemptuous of Mr Lee Kuan Yew's policy on Chinese education in the past.
But I have always admired Singapore for its determination to advance towards the goal it has set for itself without being bothered by what other countries think. Such an attitude, which is neither overbearing nor servile, has propelled the country from a tiny barren island to become one of the Asian dragons.
I feel many Third World and developing countries require 'iron-fist' rule, because of their low levels of education and civic consciousness.
But I also think that Mr Lee is a most outstanding and clever 'dictator'. He built a development track for Singapore and it went on to pursue its dream of becoming a modern city and free port, dumping Chinese education and most of the culture and the arts.
Reality proves that he has succeeded. While others are judging his successes and failures, and even as the disputes with Malaysia go on, Singapore stands tall, delivering a sterling performance in efficiency, non-corruptibility and law and order.
Mr Lee chose to emphasise science and commercial subjects for Singapore schools, for practical reasons, and de-emphasise languages other than English, in the process resulting in the closure of the Nanyang University.
However, what I find most admirable about Singapore is not its success but its approach in dealing with mistakes. In the eyes of many people, Mr Lee is not a charming leader. But he is serious in admitting, as he does now, that it was a mistake to give up on Chinese education.
Immediately after his remark, Singapore implemented plans to reform the teaching of the Chinese language in schools, and to introduce the 'Recognise First, Write Later' way of teaching.
This is yet another example of the government's efficiency. It will not make policy changes
overnight. But once it is determined to do something, it will carry through with it and results will show very quickly.
This is the reason why many Malaysians are afraid of Singapore. Based on objective circumstances, we should have done better than Singapore, but we have not. So whenever foreigners give Singapore bad reviews, or low scores on press freedom, or for being too modernised and orderly, we cannot help but feel gleeful.
Even as Singapore moves fast on Chinese education, many Malaysian Chinese still snort in contempt, saying that even if Singapore were to revive Chinese education, the materialistic place would not produce any Chinese literati.
Responding to such criticisms, Singaporeans will shrug them off with a smile and a 'so what?'. It irks you but you have to take your hat off to it.
I guess as I ramble on, Singapore has taken another stride forward.
-- This commentary, translated from Mandarin, appeared in Malaysia's Sin Chew Daily last Saturday.
ST Nov 25, 2004
Hats off to an admirable state
By Lin Bao Ling
SOMETIMES, I must take my hat off to Singapore. As I say this, I am in central-northern Malaysia. So, I do not have the love-hate feelings about Singapore I would have if I were in Johor Baru, which is a strip of water away from the Republic. But like 'Federation people', as we are known to Singaporeans, I am both envious and jealous of our small but rich neighbouring state.
The Republic is a truly amazing country and its government is remarkable. But even as I say this, I still think that Singapore is too modernised and orderly, lacking freedom, imagination and creativity. And I still feel contemptuous of Mr Lee Kuan Yew's policy on Chinese education in the past.
But I have always admired Singapore for its determination to advance towards the goal it has set for itself without being bothered by what other countries think. Such an attitude, which is neither overbearing nor servile, has propelled the country from a tiny barren island to become one of the Asian dragons.
I feel many Third World and developing countries require 'iron-fist' rule, because of their low levels of education and civic consciousness.
But I also think that Mr Lee is a most outstanding and clever 'dictator'. He built a development track for Singapore and it went on to pursue its dream of becoming a modern city and free port, dumping Chinese education and most of the culture and the arts.
Reality proves that he has succeeded. While others are judging his successes and failures, and even as the disputes with Malaysia go on, Singapore stands tall, delivering a sterling performance in efficiency, non-corruptibility and law and order.
Mr Lee chose to emphasise science and commercial subjects for Singapore schools, for practical reasons, and de-emphasise languages other than English, in the process resulting in the closure of the Nanyang University.
However, what I find most admirable about Singapore is not its success but its approach in dealing with mistakes. In the eyes of many people, Mr Lee is not a charming leader. But he is serious in admitting, as he does now, that it was a mistake to give up on Chinese education.
Immediately after his remark, Singapore implemented plans to reform the teaching of the Chinese language in schools, and to introduce the 'Recognise First, Write Later' way of teaching.
This is yet another example of the government's efficiency. It will not make policy changes
overnight. But once it is determined to do something, it will carry through with it and results will show very quickly.
This is the reason why many Malaysians are afraid of Singapore. Based on objective circumstances, we should have done better than Singapore, but we have not. So whenever foreigners give Singapore bad reviews, or low scores on press freedom, or for being too modernised and orderly, we cannot help but feel gleeful.
Even as Singapore moves fast on Chinese education, many Malaysian Chinese still snort in contempt, saying that even if Singapore were to revive Chinese education, the materialistic place would not produce any Chinese literati.
Responding to such criticisms, Singaporeans will shrug them off with a smile and a 'so what?'. It irks you but you have to take your hat off to it.
I guess as I ramble on, Singapore has taken another stride forward.
-- This commentary, translated from Mandarin, appeared in Malaysia's Sin Chew Daily last Saturday.
abortion.....
was sort o talking abt tis topic wif my colleagues ytd......
i dun support abortion & i certainly wld never do it myself.....however i don't impose my objection o abortion on any other persons.....i believe tt every life conceived is a gift & it shldn't b taken away so easily.....
my colleague asked: "wat if u know tt e child is gg 2 b disabled or will never b a normal child, wld u abort it? can u imagine all e difficulties e child will have 2 face?"
my ans 2 tt is, if it's my child i will not abort it. if it's smebody else they 've 2 make their own judgements.....
i used 2 strongly support abortion becos i tink tt if u r not prepared 2 've a child then dun give birth 2 him/her cos u'll bring more harm 2 e child....
i changed my mind cos i had a dream.....in it, i was pregnant, & 4 sme reasons i had 2 abort it......till now i can still feel e heartache o aborting e child......it's juz a dream but i was so heart broken tt i cld never ever 've e courage 2 abort......
another story tt reinforced my conviction against abortion is that down-syndrome girl who made it thro' university.....i dun remember her name or her parents' name but e father used to be a big shoot in s'pore.....e story was in sunday times quite long ago.....
as long as u dun give up, tt's nothing impossible in e world!!!!
so no matter if e child is normal or not, she/he is a gift 2 u & they have every rite 2 b alive & born into tis world.....although e world is not perfect, she/he still deserves a change to know it!!!!
i dun support abortion & i certainly wld never do it myself.....however i don't impose my objection o abortion on any other persons.....i believe tt every life conceived is a gift & it shldn't b taken away so easily.....
my colleague asked: "wat if u know tt e child is gg 2 b disabled or will never b a normal child, wld u abort it? can u imagine all e difficulties e child will have 2 face?"
my ans 2 tt is, if it's my child i will not abort it. if it's smebody else they 've 2 make their own judgements.....
i used 2 strongly support abortion becos i tink tt if u r not prepared 2 've a child then dun give birth 2 him/her cos u'll bring more harm 2 e child....
i changed my mind cos i had a dream.....in it, i was pregnant, & 4 sme reasons i had 2 abort it......till now i can still feel e heartache o aborting e child......it's juz a dream but i was so heart broken tt i cld never ever 've e courage 2 abort......
another story tt reinforced my conviction against abortion is that down-syndrome girl who made it thro' university.....i dun remember her name or her parents' name but e father used to be a big shoot in s'pore.....e story was in sunday times quite long ago.....
as long as u dun give up, tt's nothing impossible in e world!!!!
so no matter if e child is normal or not, she/he is a gift 2 u & they have every rite 2 b alive & born into tis world.....although e world is not perfect, she/he still deserves a change to know it!!!!
ST Nov 25, 2004
Chilling e-mail by teen who fell to death
Worried by falling grades and parents' rows, she poured her heart out to unknown teacher
By Chong Chee Kin
PLAGUED by troubles in school and at home, a 16-year-old poured her heart out in an e-mail to a teacher, whom she addressed only as 'Mrs Tay'.
The teen was worried about sliding grades eroding her status at school and was troubled by her parents' frequent quarrels.
She also felt her nine-year-old brother was being favoured over her.
On Oct 6 last year, she fell to her death from Block 209, Toa Payoh North, after sneaking out of school during recess.
The previous month, she had been sent to see a counsellor, who did not detect any suicidal tendencies.
She had been sent by her form teacher, who was concerned after the teen asked if any student from her school had ever 'committed suicide after receiving examination results'.
Yesterday, at the start of the inquest into her death, the court ordered the media not to publish any information that would lead to the girl's identification.
Her family was not present at the inquiry when the court was shown a copy of the e-mail sent to Mrs Tay.
The copy was retrieved from her computer system after her death.
It was not mentioned yesterday when the e-mail was sent and the mysterious teacher has also not been tracked down.
Questioned by State Coroner Malcolm Tan, police staff sergeant Sivakumar Packrisamy said the police had been unable to find out who Mrs Tay was.
About her parents' bickering, the girl had written: 'They quarrel, not because they don't love each other, but because they love to quarrel.
'So what if I have a perfect roof over my head? It's shattered inwardly.'
She also wrote about her unhappiness that her father favoured her younger brother, giving him money to buy 'unnecessary things'.
'Even my brother suggests I die early,' she complained.
In school, she was bothered that she was not 'as popular' as before because of her academic performance.
She wrote of what she had read about how war and the Sars virus caused many to die.
'Is God waiting for us to die?' ran her chilling words.
'All of us will die one day... If we are a pest to others, we should die.'
The hearing has been adjourned until Jan 7 next year.
Call for help
Samaritans of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 or e-mail pat@samaritans.org.sg
Family Service Centre: 1800-838-0100
Care Corner Mandarin Counselling Centre: 1800-353-5800
Sage helpline: 1800-353-8633
Touchline (Touch Youth Service): 1800-377-2252
How sad......e parents dun even know y their kid committ suicide.....how many times have a parent really tot abt wat their kid 1 & wat they r doing 2 e kid????
I was on my way 2 work tis morn on e mrt, & tis granny was talking so loudly....she was letting every1 know how naughty her grandchild was & tt she 1ed her 2 change tt's y she's scolding her in public.....e little girl (at most 7 yrs old) was visibly unhappy abt being talked abt in public.....e granny was gg on & on abt how she 1s e gd 4 e child & tt if she's naughty she's gg 2 send her 2 a home then she'll realise how fortunate she was.....granny went on & on abt how she was trying very hard 2 talk sense into e little girl but in my opinion she was not talking much sense!!!!
i cannot judge e granny on whether her method o parenting is rite or wrong cos i'm not a parent i can never understd how taxing & stressful it is 2 bring up a child.....however, i tink e most basic thing tt any parent shld 've is 2 respect e child.....e child has pride 2......
is such verbal threat (sending e child 2 a home if she's naughty; another threat she made was tt when granny die, she's gg 2 tell god tt e child was naughty & let god punish e little girl) child abuse???? does it not have n impact on e child's emotional well-being????
i kind o feel sad 4 e little girl but i dunno e whole story behind how naughty e child has been.....thus i can only say, parents pls treat ur child as an indv, not as ur property.......
Chilling e-mail by teen who fell to death
Worried by falling grades and parents' rows, she poured her heart out to unknown teacher
By Chong Chee Kin
PLAGUED by troubles in school and at home, a 16-year-old poured her heart out in an e-mail to a teacher, whom she addressed only as 'Mrs Tay'.
The teen was worried about sliding grades eroding her status at school and was troubled by her parents' frequent quarrels.
She also felt her nine-year-old brother was being favoured over her.
On Oct 6 last year, she fell to her death from Block 209, Toa Payoh North, after sneaking out of school during recess.
The previous month, she had been sent to see a counsellor, who did not detect any suicidal tendencies.
She had been sent by her form teacher, who was concerned after the teen asked if any student from her school had ever 'committed suicide after receiving examination results'.
Yesterday, at the start of the inquest into her death, the court ordered the media not to publish any information that would lead to the girl's identification.
Her family was not present at the inquiry when the court was shown a copy of the e-mail sent to Mrs Tay.
The copy was retrieved from her computer system after her death.
It was not mentioned yesterday when the e-mail was sent and the mysterious teacher has also not been tracked down.
Questioned by State Coroner Malcolm Tan, police staff sergeant Sivakumar Packrisamy said the police had been unable to find out who Mrs Tay was.
About her parents' bickering, the girl had written: 'They quarrel, not because they don't love each other, but because they love to quarrel.
'So what if I have a perfect roof over my head? It's shattered inwardly.'
She also wrote about her unhappiness that her father favoured her younger brother, giving him money to buy 'unnecessary things'.
'Even my brother suggests I die early,' she complained.
In school, she was bothered that she was not 'as popular' as before because of her academic performance.
She wrote of what she had read about how war and the Sars virus caused many to die.
'Is God waiting for us to die?' ran her chilling words.
'All of us will die one day... If we are a pest to others, we should die.'
The hearing has been adjourned until Jan 7 next year.
Call for help
Samaritans of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 or e-mail pat@samaritans.org.sg
Family Service Centre: 1800-838-0100
Care Corner Mandarin Counselling Centre: 1800-353-5800
Sage helpline: 1800-353-8633
Touchline (Touch Youth Service): 1800-377-2252
How sad......e parents dun even know y their kid committ suicide.....how many times have a parent really tot abt wat their kid 1 & wat they r doing 2 e kid????
I was on my way 2 work tis morn on e mrt, & tis granny was talking so loudly....she was letting every1 know how naughty her grandchild was & tt she 1ed her 2 change tt's y she's scolding her in public.....e little girl (at most 7 yrs old) was visibly unhappy abt being talked abt in public.....e granny was gg on & on abt how she 1s e gd 4 e child & tt if she's naughty she's gg 2 send her 2 a home then she'll realise how fortunate she was.....granny went on & on abt how she was trying very hard 2 talk sense into e little girl but in my opinion she was not talking much sense!!!!
i cannot judge e granny on whether her method o parenting is rite or wrong cos i'm not a parent i can never understd how taxing & stressful it is 2 bring up a child.....however, i tink e most basic thing tt any parent shld 've is 2 respect e child.....e child has pride 2......
is such verbal threat (sending e child 2 a home if she's naughty; another threat she made was tt when granny die, she's gg 2 tell god tt e child was naughty & let god punish e little girl) child abuse???? does it not have n impact on e child's emotional well-being????
i kind o feel sad 4 e little girl but i dunno e whole story behind how naughty e child has been.....thus i can only say, parents pls treat ur child as an indv, not as ur property.......
Monday, November 22, 2004
've u ever wondered....
've u ever wondered if every1's borned kind or evil??????? i certainly hope it's e former or at least b borned neutral............i believe every1's gd at heart but it really makes me wonder y pple do harm 2 others......haizzzzzz.....
men r weak....
ST 2004.11.21
Lament of Miss Spinster: 'No one wants to date me'
BANGKOK
THE telephone does not ring any more. Since she won a beauty contest last year, this pretty, high-spirited, sociable woman cannot seem to get a date.
'They are afraid of me,' said the beauty queen, Miss Saovapa Devahastin. 'I've stood up for myself. I'm a confident, successful single woman, strong enough to take care of myself. This makes them nervous.'
Miss Saovapa is not just any beauty queen. She is Thailand's first Miss Spinster, a title that sounds as odd here as anywhere, but that in this male-dominated society amounts to a declaration of independence.
Unmarried by choice, Miss Saovapa, 38, and a growing number of successful professional women like her are challenging not only the traditional imperative of marriage and family, but also what they see as the delicate egos of Thai men.
'Sometimes they like to tease me,' she said. They say she is too choosy and too proud. But they keep their nervous distance. They are not sure how to behave around a woman who does not seem to need them.
'I think this idea of being independent and being your own person maybe overpowers them,' said Miss Saovapa, who works as a media planner in her brother's advertising agency and is studying for a master's degree in advertising and public relations.
'But at the same time, there are lots of women, lots of people, who admire what I'm doing and what I represent.'
The male ego may be delicate, but it is resilient.
When the Miss Spinster Thailand contest was announced early last year, men sent messages to its website offering to come to the rescue of the contestants.
'Right at the start, some of them got my phone number and they called me,' Miss Saovapa said.
'But they weren't asking for a date. They wanted me to be their secret mistress and let them take care of me.
'They said, 'You don't need to go on the contest. You don't need to stand up and say you're a spinster. I'll provide for your comfort'. It was crazy. They thought we were showing off our looks because we were desperate to find a man.'
The contestants, who wore evening dresses and answered questions from judges, included a marketing manager, a university associate professor, an entrepreneur, a senior officer at an aeronautical radio enterprise, a former volleyball champion, a sports equipment saleswoman and a souvenir shop owner who is a cousin of Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra.
They represent a growing urban middle class in which personal choice is replacing the hierarchies of family and community that bound traditional society. The patterns of change are not unlike those in other countries.
Not long after Miss Saovapa won her crown, the Thai Constitutional Court ruled that married women had the option of keeping their own surnames.
Indeed, the organisers of the beauty pageant remained somewhat hidebound in their definition of a spinster. The contest was for unmarried women as young as 28.
Even in this time of change, the family holds a core place in the lives of many people such as Miss Saovapa. Before entering the contest, she said, she sought the approval of her father.
'He was a bit old fashioned and I was afraid to ask his opinion. Then he said, 'Why not', and he helped coach me for the contest. That was wonderful.' -- New York Times
Lament of Miss Spinster: 'No one wants to date me'
BANGKOK
THE telephone does not ring any more. Since she won a beauty contest last year, this pretty, high-spirited, sociable woman cannot seem to get a date.
'They are afraid of me,' said the beauty queen, Miss Saovapa Devahastin. 'I've stood up for myself. I'm a confident, successful single woman, strong enough to take care of myself. This makes them nervous.'
Miss Saovapa is not just any beauty queen. She is Thailand's first Miss Spinster, a title that sounds as odd here as anywhere, but that in this male-dominated society amounts to a declaration of independence.
Unmarried by choice, Miss Saovapa, 38, and a growing number of successful professional women like her are challenging not only the traditional imperative of marriage and family, but also what they see as the delicate egos of Thai men.
'Sometimes they like to tease me,' she said. They say she is too choosy and too proud. But they keep their nervous distance. They are not sure how to behave around a woman who does not seem to need them.
'I think this idea of being independent and being your own person maybe overpowers them,' said Miss Saovapa, who works as a media planner in her brother's advertising agency and is studying for a master's degree in advertising and public relations.
'But at the same time, there are lots of women, lots of people, who admire what I'm doing and what I represent.'
The male ego may be delicate, but it is resilient.
When the Miss Spinster Thailand contest was announced early last year, men sent messages to its website offering to come to the rescue of the contestants.
'Right at the start, some of them got my phone number and they called me,' Miss Saovapa said.
'But they weren't asking for a date. They wanted me to be their secret mistress and let them take care of me.
'They said, 'You don't need to go on the contest. You don't need to stand up and say you're a spinster. I'll provide for your comfort'. It was crazy. They thought we were showing off our looks because we were desperate to find a man.'
The contestants, who wore evening dresses and answered questions from judges, included a marketing manager, a university associate professor, an entrepreneur, a senior officer at an aeronautical radio enterprise, a former volleyball champion, a sports equipment saleswoman and a souvenir shop owner who is a cousin of Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra.
They represent a growing urban middle class in which personal choice is replacing the hierarchies of family and community that bound traditional society. The patterns of change are not unlike those in other countries.
Not long after Miss Saovapa won her crown, the Thai Constitutional Court ruled that married women had the option of keeping their own surnames.
Indeed, the organisers of the beauty pageant remained somewhat hidebound in their definition of a spinster. The contest was for unmarried women as young as 28.
Even in this time of change, the family holds a core place in the lives of many people such as Miss Saovapa. Before entering the contest, she said, she sought the approval of her father.
'He was a bit old fashioned and I was afraid to ask his opinion. Then he said, 'Why not', and he helped coach me for the contest. That was wonderful.' -- New York Times
22nd river regatta 2004....
it was over in under 3mins......exciting, bruises all over, wet, dizzy...... felt like vomiting e min i finish rowing.....got worst when kj & ks turned me upside down, not once not twice but thrice....i tink tt's how i got e super ugly & painfully bruise on my thigh.....saw e finals ytd, not as exciting as when u r rowing o cos......& it was a rainy day......quite unlike e day tt we rowed......dunno wat i'm gg 2 do on suns now tt dragonboat is on break......mayb i shld start picking up & start looking at my heart & mind......
i saw him but i let him go...
i saw him ytd.....but i let him slipped away again......everytime i promised myself tt i'll say hi but i didn't....i juz let him walked passed......he didn't even c me i tink.....i tink my heart didn't skipped a beat when i saw him.....has it changed???? but now tinking abt it my heart aches a little....y didn't i say hi.......
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
how do u move on.....
ST Nov 13 2004
Life after death
Huang Na is dead. But the nightmare will stay forever with her family as well as that of Took Leng How, the man charged with her murder
By Ong Soh Chin
IN THE last month or so, the country stood still as a nationwide search went on for Huang Na, the eight-year-old girl who went missing.
I, too, was riveted. And when her body was eventually found, I felt sick to my stomach.
Apart from the obvious heartbreak element of a missing child found dead, Singaporeans also bonded over the shared sense of horror that there could be a child killer among us.
One can barely imagine the horrifying sequence of events that led to Huang Na's body being discovered naked and decomposed in a cardboard box thrown into the undergrowth at Telok Blangah Hill.
My heart goes out to her mother. I can't even begin to comprehend her grief.
But at the same time, my heart also goes out to the parents of Took Leng How, the 22-year-old vegetable packer who has been arrested and charged with the crime.
While it is devastating to lose a child to horrible circumstances, it must be just as unbearable to realise that one's own child could have inflicted such a horror.
While watching the Huang Na case unfold, I have been moved by the reactions of Took's parents.
Simple folk who run a fried kway teow stall in Simpang Ampat in Penang, they have seen their business suffer as a result of the incident.
Said Mr Took, 52, in a press report: 'Some customers even point and whisper, but it's just something we have to bear.'
He also said he is not sure if he will be able to afford a good lawyer for his son.
The Tooks have two other sons, aged 23 and 20, and a daughter, 19.
When he and his wife came to Singapore by bus from Penang to attend the hearing, they had to apply for passports, indicating that they had probably never stepped out of Malaysia before, not even to neighbouring Singapore.
Mr Took wanted to go to Huang Na's wake at Clementi to talk to the girl's parents, but was advised against it by a relative.
Instead he went to the Singapore Buddhist Lodge and prayed at Huang Na's altar, asking for her forgiveness and for her to rest in peace.
He said: 'I know there are many reporters and many people at Clementi. We're from a small town. Our knowledge isn't wide. We won't know how to respond to that sort of spectacle.'
Indeed, how does one respond?
The monumental reevaluation and consolidation that Took's family must now face reminds me of Mikal Gilmore's book, Shot In The Heart.
Gilmore, a music journalist with Rolling Stone, is the youngest brother of Gary Gilmore, the infamous American killer who murdered two men and who was subsequently sentenced to death in 1977.
In 1979, he became the subject of Norman Mailer's Pulitzer Prize-winning The Executioner's Song.
But it is Mikal's 1994 book which is the more compelling of the two, simply because it is written from an insider's point of view.
As much as it is about his brother, it is also about the author's attempt to make sense of his own life - how he managed to escape his brother's horrible fate, even though they are flesh and blood.
It is a brave book, heart-rending at some parts, chilling at others, in which Mikal painfully peels off the layers of his troubled family history to reveal the awful truth at the centre.
When something this horrible happens, it is all too easy to blame ourselves. No doubt Huang Na's mother will find it hard to forgive herself for leaving her daughter alone here while she left for China.
But, really, many of us leave our kids in the care of trusted friends and family members, without a second thought.
If he is found guilty, Took's parents, too, must be wondering if somewhere along the line, they had done something wrong to their child, something that could have triggered off his actions.
They must also be wondering if they really knew their son.
And his wife, who now has to look after their young son alone, must agonise over whether she really knew her husband and whether their son, who is 14 months old, has inherited his father's secret genes.
These are private hells that every individual prays he or she will never have to go through.
The dead die, and they are gone.
But it is those who are alive that must make sense of the devastation.
Mr Took told the press he wanted to speak to his son again: 'I just wish to ask him two questions to dispel the doubt in my heart - 'Did you do harm to people?' No matter what his answer is, I will also ask him, 'Is it true or false?'.'
I don't know if he ever got his answer. But I want to tell him that maybe the answer is not so important.
When reviewing Shot In The Heart, New York Times reviewer Kathryn Harrison wrote: 'Mikal Gilmore's triumph is that he pushes his readers beyond being helplessly enthralled witnesses to the point where, with him, we might consider not only that violence and evil do exist within the limits of predictable human behaviour, but that there is evidence of another equally mysterious force, which some of us would call grace.'
Sifting truth from lie is only part of the dark journey. Indeed it was Mikal's. But at the end of the day, there will be questions that will forever remain unanswered. And circumstances can only be blamed to a certain extent.
As Mikal so poignantly showed in his book, the end of the tunnel can only be reached through acceptance and the belief that there is hope still in humanity and in one's soul.
I cannot pretend to understand the suffering of the families of Huang Na and Took Leng How.
But I hope that in this dark period, they can eventually find in their hearts the grace to move on with their lives, and the ability to not only forgive others, but also themselves.
(totally agree wif e following article....hehehe...)
ST Nov 15, 2004
Women are more generous than men
Sorry to say this, guys, but I realised that when I went fund-raising in the business district recently
By Pradeep Paul
AS BEFITTING the name of this column, here is another take on the gender divide.
Only, instead of pointing out yet another female quirk or oddity - yes, I'm brave, and yes, I'm not very bright - I'm doffing my hat to the women of Singapore.
They are definitely more charitable and generous than their male counterparts.
The reason for this stroke of revelation? No, it's not my kindly colleague who threatens to poison me with her cooking.
It was a couple of hours of pan-handling in the business district.
Last month, my editor led a team of Straits Times employees to Raffles Place on a mission.
Armed with nothing more than uniform T-shirts and our smiles, we were there to raise funds for The Straits Times Pocket Money Fund.
And we were to do it by accosting strangers as they scurried about on their lunch break and sticking a collection tin in their faces.
Accompanied by some employees of Caltex, which threw in cute soft toys and sweets as a form of rewarding the generous, we fanned out.
Some headed for the MRT exits. After all, a steady stream of commuters would yield some donations.
Others swarmed around the foot of Caltex House.
Some used their charm.
The pretty women just had to stand with the tin in their hand and smile. Men walked up to them with money in their hand.
One of us - she threatened me with bodily harm if I named her - used psychology.
Zeroing in on office workers who looked like they had just had a hearty meal, she asked if they'd had a good lunch. She asked them what they had eaten. And then sucker-punched them with an emotionally charged line about how some schoolchildren do not have lunch because their parents cannot afford to give them pocket money.
Seeing the competition, I decided to wander down Change Alley and try my luck there.
Flashing my biggest smile and holding up the tin that was labelled with the name of the charity, I walked up to people and asked if they'd like to donate some money.
And it was a revealing experience.
Some people stopped as I approached them, even if they were deep in conversation with friends.
They looked at the tin. They listened as I spouted: 'Good afternoon, I'm from The Straits Times and we're collecting money for children whose parents can't afford to give them pocket money.'
And they dipped into their wallets readily.
Others would smile, hear me out, shake their head in a form of apology and carry on.
And then there were some - was it coincidence that all of them were in high-powered corporate gear and reeked of money? - who walked by me like I didn't exist.
There I was, smile on high and starting to say 'Good afternoon, I'm fro...' when I realised I was talking to myself. The person had sidestepped me like a rugby winger in full flight and kept going.
Now, I'm not saying these are stingy people. They probably give more to charity in other ways than what you and I earn in a month.
But what about the basic courtesy of acknowledging a fellow human being who approaches you on the street?
Hey, it was broad daylight and all I was packing was a smile, a tin and some cute soft toys.
p Sure, collection drives are a dime-a-dozen in these tough times. Sure, there are post-lunch meetings that beckon. But what about basic courtesy?
Guess they don't teach that in the school of big bucks.
Oh, did I mention that all these types that I met - however briefly - were men?
Most of the women I approached that day at least heard me out. They gave me a minute of their time, even smiled.
Some confessed they had never heard of the Pocket Money Fund but, when told that it was for school kids who could not afford to buy themselves a curry puff at recess, readily pulled out a couple of bucks.
Others said they knew about the Fund and slotted $10 notes into the tin. Some generous women even donated $50.
In fact, by the second hour, I had even mastered the art of spotting the 'donators'.
Too young, no point. They had limited allowances and too many things to buy.
Too old, not much point. They had their own survival on their minds.
It was the Mums and soon-to-be-Mums who seemed to be guided by maternal pangs when they pheard about hungry children. They gave willingly of their money, their time and their smiles.
By the time we got into the bus to head back to the office, I had learnt a lesson in human behaviour. And it didn't give my gender very high marks. Clothes may make the man, but they certainly don't complete him.
So, there you have it: I admit women are more generous and more courteous than men.
Although to this day I'm not sure if the women dug into their handbags because of their innate generosity or the cute soft toy that I traded for a donation.
Life after death
Huang Na is dead. But the nightmare will stay forever with her family as well as that of Took Leng How, the man charged with her murder
By Ong Soh Chin
IN THE last month or so, the country stood still as a nationwide search went on for Huang Na, the eight-year-old girl who went missing.
I, too, was riveted. And when her body was eventually found, I felt sick to my stomach.
Apart from the obvious heartbreak element of a missing child found dead, Singaporeans also bonded over the shared sense of horror that there could be a child killer among us.
One can barely imagine the horrifying sequence of events that led to Huang Na's body being discovered naked and decomposed in a cardboard box thrown into the undergrowth at Telok Blangah Hill.
My heart goes out to her mother. I can't even begin to comprehend her grief.
But at the same time, my heart also goes out to the parents of Took Leng How, the 22-year-old vegetable packer who has been arrested and charged with the crime.
While it is devastating to lose a child to horrible circumstances, it must be just as unbearable to realise that one's own child could have inflicted such a horror.
While watching the Huang Na case unfold, I have been moved by the reactions of Took's parents.
Simple folk who run a fried kway teow stall in Simpang Ampat in Penang, they have seen their business suffer as a result of the incident.
Said Mr Took, 52, in a press report: 'Some customers even point and whisper, but it's just something we have to bear.'
He also said he is not sure if he will be able to afford a good lawyer for his son.
The Tooks have two other sons, aged 23 and 20, and a daughter, 19.
When he and his wife came to Singapore by bus from Penang to attend the hearing, they had to apply for passports, indicating that they had probably never stepped out of Malaysia before, not even to neighbouring Singapore.
Mr Took wanted to go to Huang Na's wake at Clementi to talk to the girl's parents, but was advised against it by a relative.
Instead he went to the Singapore Buddhist Lodge and prayed at Huang Na's altar, asking for her forgiveness and for her to rest in peace.
He said: 'I know there are many reporters and many people at Clementi. We're from a small town. Our knowledge isn't wide. We won't know how to respond to that sort of spectacle.'
Indeed, how does one respond?
The monumental reevaluation and consolidation that Took's family must now face reminds me of Mikal Gilmore's book, Shot In The Heart.
Gilmore, a music journalist with Rolling Stone, is the youngest brother of Gary Gilmore, the infamous American killer who murdered two men and who was subsequently sentenced to death in 1977.
In 1979, he became the subject of Norman Mailer's Pulitzer Prize-winning The Executioner's Song.
But it is Mikal's 1994 book which is the more compelling of the two, simply because it is written from an insider's point of view.
As much as it is about his brother, it is also about the author's attempt to make sense of his own life - how he managed to escape his brother's horrible fate, even though they are flesh and blood.
It is a brave book, heart-rending at some parts, chilling at others, in which Mikal painfully peels off the layers of his troubled family history to reveal the awful truth at the centre.
When something this horrible happens, it is all too easy to blame ourselves. No doubt Huang Na's mother will find it hard to forgive herself for leaving her daughter alone here while she left for China.
But, really, many of us leave our kids in the care of trusted friends and family members, without a second thought.
If he is found guilty, Took's parents, too, must be wondering if somewhere along the line, they had done something wrong to their child, something that could have triggered off his actions.
They must also be wondering if they really knew their son.
And his wife, who now has to look after their young son alone, must agonise over whether she really knew her husband and whether their son, who is 14 months old, has inherited his father's secret genes.
These are private hells that every individual prays he or she will never have to go through.
The dead die, and they are gone.
But it is those who are alive that must make sense of the devastation.
Mr Took told the press he wanted to speak to his son again: 'I just wish to ask him two questions to dispel the doubt in my heart - 'Did you do harm to people?' No matter what his answer is, I will also ask him, 'Is it true or false?'.'
I don't know if he ever got his answer. But I want to tell him that maybe the answer is not so important.
When reviewing Shot In The Heart, New York Times reviewer Kathryn Harrison wrote: 'Mikal Gilmore's triumph is that he pushes his readers beyond being helplessly enthralled witnesses to the point where, with him, we might consider not only that violence and evil do exist within the limits of predictable human behaviour, but that there is evidence of another equally mysterious force, which some of us would call grace.'
Sifting truth from lie is only part of the dark journey. Indeed it was Mikal's. But at the end of the day, there will be questions that will forever remain unanswered. And circumstances can only be blamed to a certain extent.
As Mikal so poignantly showed in his book, the end of the tunnel can only be reached through acceptance and the belief that there is hope still in humanity and in one's soul.
I cannot pretend to understand the suffering of the families of Huang Na and Took Leng How.
But I hope that in this dark period, they can eventually find in their hearts the grace to move on with their lives, and the ability to not only forgive others, but also themselves.
(totally agree wif e following article....hehehe...)
ST Nov 15, 2004
Women are more generous than men
Sorry to say this, guys, but I realised that when I went fund-raising in the business district recently
By Pradeep Paul
AS BEFITTING the name of this column, here is another take on the gender divide.
Only, instead of pointing out yet another female quirk or oddity - yes, I'm brave, and yes, I'm not very bright - I'm doffing my hat to the women of Singapore.
They are definitely more charitable and generous than their male counterparts.
The reason for this stroke of revelation? No, it's not my kindly colleague who threatens to poison me with her cooking.
It was a couple of hours of pan-handling in the business district.
Last month, my editor led a team of Straits Times employees to Raffles Place on a mission.
Armed with nothing more than uniform T-shirts and our smiles, we were there to raise funds for The Straits Times Pocket Money Fund.
And we were to do it by accosting strangers as they scurried about on their lunch break and sticking a collection tin in their faces.
Accompanied by some employees of Caltex, which threw in cute soft toys and sweets as a form of rewarding the generous, we fanned out.
Some headed for the MRT exits. After all, a steady stream of commuters would yield some donations.
Others swarmed around the foot of Caltex House.
Some used their charm.
The pretty women just had to stand with the tin in their hand and smile. Men walked up to them with money in their hand.
One of us - she threatened me with bodily harm if I named her - used psychology.
Zeroing in on office workers who looked like they had just had a hearty meal, she asked if they'd had a good lunch. She asked them what they had eaten. And then sucker-punched them with an emotionally charged line about how some schoolchildren do not have lunch because their parents cannot afford to give them pocket money.
Seeing the competition, I decided to wander down Change Alley and try my luck there.
Flashing my biggest smile and holding up the tin that was labelled with the name of the charity, I walked up to people and asked if they'd like to donate some money.
And it was a revealing experience.
Some people stopped as I approached them, even if they were deep in conversation with friends.
They looked at the tin. They listened as I spouted: 'Good afternoon, I'm from The Straits Times and we're collecting money for children whose parents can't afford to give them pocket money.'
And they dipped into their wallets readily.
Others would smile, hear me out, shake their head in a form of apology and carry on.
And then there were some - was it coincidence that all of them were in high-powered corporate gear and reeked of money? - who walked by me like I didn't exist.
There I was, smile on high and starting to say 'Good afternoon, I'm fro...' when I realised I was talking to myself. The person had sidestepped me like a rugby winger in full flight and kept going.
Now, I'm not saying these are stingy people. They probably give more to charity in other ways than what you and I earn in a month.
But what about the basic courtesy of acknowledging a fellow human being who approaches you on the street?
Hey, it was broad daylight and all I was packing was a smile, a tin and some cute soft toys.
p Sure, collection drives are a dime-a-dozen in these tough times. Sure, there are post-lunch meetings that beckon. But what about basic courtesy?
Guess they don't teach that in the school of big bucks.
Oh, did I mention that all these types that I met - however briefly - were men?
Most of the women I approached that day at least heard me out. They gave me a minute of their time, even smiled.
Some confessed they had never heard of the Pocket Money Fund but, when told that it was for school kids who could not afford to buy themselves a curry puff at recess, readily pulled out a couple of bucks.
Others said they knew about the Fund and slotted $10 notes into the tin. Some generous women even donated $50.
In fact, by the second hour, I had even mastered the art of spotting the 'donators'.
Too young, no point. They had limited allowances and too many things to buy.
Too old, not much point. They had their own survival on their minds.
It was the Mums and soon-to-be-Mums who seemed to be guided by maternal pangs when they pheard about hungry children. They gave willingly of their money, their time and their smiles.
By the time we got into the bus to head back to the office, I had learnt a lesson in human behaviour. And it didn't give my gender very high marks. Clothes may make the man, but they certainly don't complete him.
So, there you have it: I admit women are more generous and more courteous than men.
Although to this day I'm not sure if the women dug into their handbags because of their innate generosity or the cute soft toy that I traded for a donation.
Friday, November 12, 2004
beautiful 8.....
mayb we can have beautiful 8????? hope so......
suddenly i really feel like crying......i tink i need 2 go use e toilet......
suddenly i really feel like crying......i tink i need 2 go use e toilet......
beautiful 7.....
7 beautiful people, 7 beautiful yrs o sisterhood......
yes it's amazing how our friendship/sisterhood is still as strong as ever even though we hardly meet altogether.....once or twice in a yr although very little but it felt really nice.....
totally bushed ytd but was 1 o e most beautiful day/nite o tis yr!!!
yes thk u gals!!!! i almost cried reading nee's blog but m in office dun 1 2 b seen crying.....
feel so blessed suddenly.....beautiful life.......
i've tis odd habit o tinking abt tis qn whenever i'm walking home or when i'm alone.....wld i regret anything if i die at tis very moment.....up till now e ans is no.....i hope e ans will always b e same.....i've a very wonderful life up till now......i hope it'll b like tis all e time......i hope i haven jinxed it......
beautiful.........
yes it's amazing how our friendship/sisterhood is still as strong as ever even though we hardly meet altogether.....once or twice in a yr although very little but it felt really nice.....
totally bushed ytd but was 1 o e most beautiful day/nite o tis yr!!!
yes thk u gals!!!! i almost cried reading nee's blog but m in office dun 1 2 b seen crying.....
feel so blessed suddenly.....beautiful life.......
i've tis odd habit o tinking abt tis qn whenever i'm walking home or when i'm alone.....wld i regret anything if i die at tis very moment.....up till now e ans is no.....i hope e ans will always b e same.....i've a very wonderful life up till now......i hope it'll b like tis all e time......i hope i haven jinxed it......
beautiful.........
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
2.5 million...(or is it 4 million)....
i tink u need 2 collect at least 2.5 million (or is it 4 million...can't remember but it's at least a few million dollars.....) 2 cover all e costs for staging a charity show on tv......heard it in 1 o e meetings in scs......wldn't tis amt b put 2 greater use????i dunno....mayb it'll create a greater awareness???? mass media is really powerful....so mayb e intention is not 2 raise e money but 2 create (montrous) awareness......
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Look at these 2 aticles fr e straits times...... i've lotsa 2 comment but time constraints....i'll do my share o complaining some other time...post watever comments u 1 on these 2 articles.....
Nov 6, 2004
THINKING ALOUD
Women have moved on but society's in time warp
By Zuraidah Ibrahim
Political Editor
EDUCATED women here have been getting the metaphorical black eye or two lately.
How's this for starters: This week, to snag some publicity for a birth control programme, a committee chided tertiary-educated women for going for abortions, citing how the number of abortions among this group had seen a three-fold rise since 1988.
Riding on this statistic, a committee member rued the sorry state of educated women, adding that some who went to his clinic for abortions told him they didn't want babies to block their career paths.
What these statements omitted to mention was the inconvenient fact that the total number of tertiary-educated women had also jumped - four-fold. In other words, the proportion of tertiary-educated women going for abortions has actually declined.
One wonders, too, if the doctor was too quick to suggest that married women were torn between child and ambition, as if these were the only factors at play.
The choice may not be so cut-and-dried. Even if work gets in the way, it is hardly fair to characterise all the women concerned as heartless climbers of the corporate ladder, the way some of these discussions are wont to do.
The woman may be driven more by fear than by ambition - the fear of companies not willing to hire pregnant women, or of juggling the bundle of joy and the burden of work with a husband who is not willing to share the load.
The main point that the committee was trying to make was a valid one: educated Singaporeans who are not ready for children should know better than to resort to abortions; they should avoid conception through birth control.
But, have you noticed how the onus is placed on the woman? The experts could have chosen to highlight the fact that a rising number of tertiary-educated men are making their wives pregnant before they are ready for it.
No, instead, the accusing looks are directed at the women. It is as if Singapore's men share no responsibility for birth control; as if they are innocents seduced into surrendering their seed by the predatory females of the species.
One doctor on the committee acknowledged that part of the problem could be that the gap between marriage registration and traditional ceremonies made it embarrassing for these women if they became pregnant.
This is revealing of the state of morality and men-women relationships here. But more of that later.
Next, witness the letters to the Forum page lamenting the Singapore woman's lack of womanliness, her 'barbed exterior' and her insistence on putting career above everything else.
The onslaught against the Singapore woman comes amid this vexing concern that more men here are marrying foreigners or keeping them as mistresses. The prevailing sentiment - if the letter-writers and these men who marry foreigners are to be believed - is that women here are too difficult and therefore deserve this fate of being passed over for foreign women.
The presumptuousness of these letters in assuming that every woman's desire is to be wedded is exceeded only by their sheer chauvinism.
What about the role men play? How do they contribute to keeping a relationship happy and healthy?
The discussions, while they may be passed off as just idle chatter, reveal much about the mindset that still govern all of our lives here.
Singapore women have made enormous leaps in education and many have become independent, strong-minded, driven people, no different from Singapore men bred on the same ideals.
But here's the rub: The men just have not kept up.
More of them seem to be caught in a time warp. A time when women stayed at home, cooked and took care of their men's needs or, in a slightly updated version, women went to work but still found themselves left with taking care of the house.
In the second version, the men want their women to be their economic equals. But in everything else, they want to be more equal than their women.
This mismatch between what Singapore women have become and what Singapore men still are is really the reason behind the recent letters berating women and why it's so convenient to place the blame on abortions by educated women - on only them.
Society has some catching up to do.
For some reason, a woman's advance is always measured in terms of trade-offs she must make - between career and family - whereas a man's is never that.
In politics too, women politicians are constantly being asked that question. Few of us journalists ever ask male politicians about the trade-offs they make.
This mindset seeps into many other decisions - including whether to have or keep the baby. The responsibility of keeping the baby as implied by the doctor rests with women.
And worse, for those women who have to get rid of their babies because they have not gone through their traditional vows, why the insistence on face? What is being transgressed here?
Society's expectations that a couple must not have copulated before marriage? Or, the veil of hypocrisy that it goes on but let's not tell the whole world?
If the marriage is legal, so should the baby-making be.
But no, for the sake of maintaining some myths about female virginity and tradition, abortion is the chosen way out.
The expectations on Singapore women are huge. At the workplace, they are supposed to be equal to men even though they earn less. At home, they contribute to the family income yet bear the larger burden of rearing children.
Yes, I know, there will be men who will say they are doing their fair share, they are as liberated as their women.
I have met these specimens too and some are very dear to me, but I would hazard a guess they are not the overwhelming majority of men.
For all that they have delivered, Singapore women have a right to be demanding and, yes, difficult even.
And if women decide not to have children, don't be quick to blame them. Men, and the rest of society, should also look at themselves in the mirror. -- E-mail stpol@sph.com.sg
Nov 7, 2004
First, China brides. Then, Vietnamese brides.
Now, Kalimantan Chinese brides
Matchmaking agency thinks they are a better fit here because they can speak Chinese dialects
By Tracy Quek
MOVE over, Vietnam brides, here come the girls from Kalimantan.
One matchmaking agency here is offering Singaporean men the chance to choose a Chinese bride from the Indonesian province on Borneo.
And although new in the matchmaking industry, Mr Simon Sim, 50, manager of Mayle Marriage Agency, reckons he already has an edge.
The Kalimantan brides-to-be are Indonesian Chinese, speak various Chinese dialects, can whip up Chinese meals and would find it easier to fit in here, he said.
They are aged between 20 and 30, and come from large farming families in rural villages.
Their parents, who get a dowry of between $1,000 and $2,000, agree to such matches because they want better lives for their daughters, he added.
While agencies offering Vietnamese brides charge more than $12,000, Mayle's wedding package costs an auspicious $9,888.
It includes return tickets to Kalimantan, a chance to pick a wife from among 20 young women, the dowry, a wedding banquet, suits and bridal gowns, and wedding photography.
The bride's Indonesian passport can be ready in about two days. In contrast, Vietnamese brides have to wait for over a month for their passports.
Mr Sim said he and a business partner started the agency about six months ago, after finding out about the communication problems their friends had with their Vietnamese wives.
'There's a language barrier, it can be a strain when they can't talk to their husbands,' he said.
'Matching our local men with girls of the same cultural background will ensure a higher chance of the marriage lasting.'
But agencies offering matchmaking tours to Vietnam say they are not worried about the competition.
Mr Martin Yong, managing director of Mr Cupid International Matchmakers, said: 'We have established ourselves in the industry, we do thorough background checks on the women and our customers trust us.'
Mr Sim says his agency also does its checks.
The women go for a medical check-up to ensure that they are healthy and virgins.
He interviews all his clients, to make sure that they have a steady income and a roof over their heads.
His clients are mostly Chinese-speaking blue-collar workers in their 40s and 50s.
Chinese men make up almost nine in 10 of the 67,000 bachelors in Singapore aged 35 to 49, according to the 2000 Census.
So far, Mr Sim has found wives for two Singaporean Chinese men in their 40s. One works as a driver, the other is a store keeper.
Two more men, in their 40s and 50s, will be making the six-day trip later this year, he said.
One of them, Mr Peter Chua, 41, who will be selecting his Kalimantan bride later this month, said: 'Singaporean women have very high expectations, they want the five Cs and I can't afford that.'
The security officer, who takes home less than $2,000 a month, is now hoping to meet a 'simple, pleasant girl, who is not too demanding'.
Contact Mayle Marriage Agency on 6219-5709
The $9,888 package
Choice of 20 Kalimantan brides-to- be who are Indonesian Chinese, speak various Chinese dialects, including Hakka and Hainanese, and can whip up Chinese meals.
Women are between 20 and 30 years of age.
Return tickets to Kalimantan.
Dowry of between $1,000 and $2,000 for bride's family.
Wedding banquet.
Suits and bridal gown.
Wedding photography.
The bride's Indonesian passport can be ready in about two days, and she can return home with her husband.
Nov 6, 2004
THINKING ALOUD
Women have moved on but society's in time warp
By Zuraidah Ibrahim
Political Editor
EDUCATED women here have been getting the metaphorical black eye or two lately.
How's this for starters: This week, to snag some publicity for a birth control programme, a committee chided tertiary-educated women for going for abortions, citing how the number of abortions among this group had seen a three-fold rise since 1988.
Riding on this statistic, a committee member rued the sorry state of educated women, adding that some who went to his clinic for abortions told him they didn't want babies to block their career paths.
What these statements omitted to mention was the inconvenient fact that the total number of tertiary-educated women had also jumped - four-fold. In other words, the proportion of tertiary-educated women going for abortions has actually declined.
One wonders, too, if the doctor was too quick to suggest that married women were torn between child and ambition, as if these were the only factors at play.
The choice may not be so cut-and-dried. Even if work gets in the way, it is hardly fair to characterise all the women concerned as heartless climbers of the corporate ladder, the way some of these discussions are wont to do.
The woman may be driven more by fear than by ambition - the fear of companies not willing to hire pregnant women, or of juggling the bundle of joy and the burden of work with a husband who is not willing to share the load.
The main point that the committee was trying to make was a valid one: educated Singaporeans who are not ready for children should know better than to resort to abortions; they should avoid conception through birth control.
But, have you noticed how the onus is placed on the woman? The experts could have chosen to highlight the fact that a rising number of tertiary-educated men are making their wives pregnant before they are ready for it.
No, instead, the accusing looks are directed at the women. It is as if Singapore's men share no responsibility for birth control; as if they are innocents seduced into surrendering their seed by the predatory females of the species.
One doctor on the committee acknowledged that part of the problem could be that the gap between marriage registration and traditional ceremonies made it embarrassing for these women if they became pregnant.
This is revealing of the state of morality and men-women relationships here. But more of that later.
Next, witness the letters to the Forum page lamenting the Singapore woman's lack of womanliness, her 'barbed exterior' and her insistence on putting career above everything else.
The onslaught against the Singapore woman comes amid this vexing concern that more men here are marrying foreigners or keeping them as mistresses. The prevailing sentiment - if the letter-writers and these men who marry foreigners are to be believed - is that women here are too difficult and therefore deserve this fate of being passed over for foreign women.
The presumptuousness of these letters in assuming that every woman's desire is to be wedded is exceeded only by their sheer chauvinism.
What about the role men play? How do they contribute to keeping a relationship happy and healthy?
The discussions, while they may be passed off as just idle chatter, reveal much about the mindset that still govern all of our lives here.
Singapore women have made enormous leaps in education and many have become independent, strong-minded, driven people, no different from Singapore men bred on the same ideals.
But here's the rub: The men just have not kept up.
More of them seem to be caught in a time warp. A time when women stayed at home, cooked and took care of their men's needs or, in a slightly updated version, women went to work but still found themselves left with taking care of the house.
In the second version, the men want their women to be their economic equals. But in everything else, they want to be more equal than their women.
This mismatch between what Singapore women have become and what Singapore men still are is really the reason behind the recent letters berating women and why it's so convenient to place the blame on abortions by educated women - on only them.
Society has some catching up to do.
For some reason, a woman's advance is always measured in terms of trade-offs she must make - between career and family - whereas a man's is never that.
In politics too, women politicians are constantly being asked that question. Few of us journalists ever ask male politicians about the trade-offs they make.
This mindset seeps into many other decisions - including whether to have or keep the baby. The responsibility of keeping the baby as implied by the doctor rests with women.
And worse, for those women who have to get rid of their babies because they have not gone through their traditional vows, why the insistence on face? What is being transgressed here?
Society's expectations that a couple must not have copulated before marriage? Or, the veil of hypocrisy that it goes on but let's not tell the whole world?
If the marriage is legal, so should the baby-making be.
But no, for the sake of maintaining some myths about female virginity and tradition, abortion is the chosen way out.
The expectations on Singapore women are huge. At the workplace, they are supposed to be equal to men even though they earn less. At home, they contribute to the family income yet bear the larger burden of rearing children.
Yes, I know, there will be men who will say they are doing their fair share, they are as liberated as their women.
I have met these specimens too and some are very dear to me, but I would hazard a guess they are not the overwhelming majority of men.
For all that they have delivered, Singapore women have a right to be demanding and, yes, difficult even.
And if women decide not to have children, don't be quick to blame them. Men, and the rest of society, should also look at themselves in the mirror. -- E-mail stpol@sph.com.sg
Nov 7, 2004
First, China brides. Then, Vietnamese brides.
Now, Kalimantan Chinese brides
Matchmaking agency thinks they are a better fit here because they can speak Chinese dialects
By Tracy Quek
MOVE over, Vietnam brides, here come the girls from Kalimantan.
One matchmaking agency here is offering Singaporean men the chance to choose a Chinese bride from the Indonesian province on Borneo.
And although new in the matchmaking industry, Mr Simon Sim, 50, manager of Mayle Marriage Agency, reckons he already has an edge.
The Kalimantan brides-to-be are Indonesian Chinese, speak various Chinese dialects, can whip up Chinese meals and would find it easier to fit in here, he said.
They are aged between 20 and 30, and come from large farming families in rural villages.
Their parents, who get a dowry of between $1,000 and $2,000, agree to such matches because they want better lives for their daughters, he added.
While agencies offering Vietnamese brides charge more than $12,000, Mayle's wedding package costs an auspicious $9,888.
It includes return tickets to Kalimantan, a chance to pick a wife from among 20 young women, the dowry, a wedding banquet, suits and bridal gowns, and wedding photography.
The bride's Indonesian passport can be ready in about two days. In contrast, Vietnamese brides have to wait for over a month for their passports.
Mr Sim said he and a business partner started the agency about six months ago, after finding out about the communication problems their friends had with their Vietnamese wives.
'There's a language barrier, it can be a strain when they can't talk to their husbands,' he said.
'Matching our local men with girls of the same cultural background will ensure a higher chance of the marriage lasting.'
But agencies offering matchmaking tours to Vietnam say they are not worried about the competition.
Mr Martin Yong, managing director of Mr Cupid International Matchmakers, said: 'We have established ourselves in the industry, we do thorough background checks on the women and our customers trust us.'
Mr Sim says his agency also does its checks.
The women go for a medical check-up to ensure that they are healthy and virgins.
He interviews all his clients, to make sure that they have a steady income and a roof over their heads.
His clients are mostly Chinese-speaking blue-collar workers in their 40s and 50s.
Chinese men make up almost nine in 10 of the 67,000 bachelors in Singapore aged 35 to 49, according to the 2000 Census.
So far, Mr Sim has found wives for two Singaporean Chinese men in their 40s. One works as a driver, the other is a store keeper.
Two more men, in their 40s and 50s, will be making the six-day trip later this year, he said.
One of them, Mr Peter Chua, 41, who will be selecting his Kalimantan bride later this month, said: 'Singaporean women have very high expectations, they want the five Cs and I can't afford that.'
The security officer, who takes home less than $2,000 a month, is now hoping to meet a 'simple, pleasant girl, who is not too demanding'.
Contact Mayle Marriage Agency on 6219-5709
The $9,888 package
Choice of 20 Kalimantan brides-to- be who are Indonesian Chinese, speak various Chinese dialects, including Hakka and Hainanese, and can whip up Chinese meals.
Women are between 20 and 30 years of age.
Return tickets to Kalimantan.
Dowry of between $1,000 and $2,000 for bride's family.
Wedding banquet.
Suits and bridal gown.
Wedding photography.
The bride's Indonesian passport can be ready in about two days, and she can return home with her husband.
Friday, November 05, 2004
tai-chi: e fav pastime o ministries.....
In the Straits Times 2004.11.05
(Words in purple are my comments)
US sex offender jailed here for lying about his past
He hid criminal record to get employment pass to teach here
AN AMERICAN sex offender who lied about his criminal record in order to get an employment pass here was sentenced to seven months' jail and fined $8,000 on Wednesday.
Jack West, 58, had told the Ministry of Manpower (MOM) and Ministry of Education (MOE) he had never been convicted of a crime in any country.
In fact, he had a string of convictions in the United States dating back more than 30 years.
In May 1999 and July 2000, he lied to MOM about his record, first in an application for an employment pass, and later to renew it.
In November 2000 and July the following year, he lied about his criminal record to MOE in order to be allowed to work here as a teacher.
Deputy Public Prosecutor Ng Cheng Thiam told the court West would never have been granted an employment pass or be allowed to teach here if he had declared these past convictions in the US, especially since his crimes were serious ones.
(fei hua!!!! tt's y he didn't declare his past convictions......)
Among others, West was charged with raping his own son from his first marriage over a period of four years between 1984 and 1987.
The boy was only seven when he was first sexually assaulted by his father.
However, West fled the US before the trial could start. He returned in 1997 and pleaded guilty to four reduced charges of sexual battery and was sentenced to two years' jail.
He has also been in trouble with the law for drug trafficking, carrying an unlicensed gun and intimidation.
In Singapore, West started out working for a few private schools, including Orchard School of Arts and Commerce and Coleman Commercial and Language Centre, in 1999.
In October 2001, he set up JGW Consultancy, which provided English lessons to students, housewives and businessmen. As recently as three months ago, he was still giving tuition to three students in their homes.
West had a sideline as well: He ran a 'matchmaking' website selling information about Asian women to American men. The site featured pictures of women either in the nude or in provocative poses.
The two ministries began to investigate his background after The New Paper reported in early August that the convicted paedophile was now teaching young children in Singapore.
(The 2 ministries wld have never checked his bkgrd if there was no reporting by TNP?????)
West was then charged with eight counts of falsely declaring his criminal record to MOM and MOE.
MOM prosecutor Rosemary Chan called him a 'seasoned criminal' whose acts were premeditated and deceitful.
(E fact tt he cld slipped thro' so many different gates is not cos he was 'seasoned' but cos there's so many loopholes!!!!! tt's not a bloody gd excuse!!!!)
In response to queries about how West managed to slip through the net, an MOE spokesman said the onus of checking statements made by candidates who apply to be registered as teachers should fall on the schools, not the ministry.
(So schools shld b 1 doing all e checking???? So wat's e role o MOE???? a beautiful vase?????)
MOM would only say it 'takes into consideration the inputs of various government agencies when assessing the application for an employment pass'.
(MOE has no clue on e bkgrd o e applicants & they blindly pass e info 2 MOM who gladly lets criminals roam e s'pore grds???)
As for how West could enter Singapore when there was a warrant of arrest out for him in the US, the Immigration and Checkpoints Authority would only say: 'The movement records of individuals are not available for release as such information is private and confidential.'
(Now u r talking abt indv/human rites when there doesn't seem 2 b any in e 1st place anyway!!!!)
I was especially pissed at tis piece o news cos i c e different ministries doing tai-chi again!!!!
remember tt i wrote abt how a paper on child sexual abuse was banned fr presentation at e 11th hr????? anyway, tt matter has yet 2 b settled......e order was given by MOE tt e author o e paper, a phd student in NIE, cannot present her paper in n international conference. MOE cited tt they had "expert opinion" tt e paper cld present e teaching profession in a bad light.....e paper was on trainee teachers' personal experience of childhood sexual abuse.....& in tt paper, e % o these teachers reporting tt they had personal encounters of sexual abuse was a figure quite unlikely e offically reported figure of sexual abuse in singapore......after sme investigation/tracing by my boss , her boss & several other higher position members in s'pore children's society, they found tt e "expert opinion" tt was cited by MOE came fr MCYS.....So there was sme communication between SCS & MCYS, & MCYS said tt they never ordered MOE 2 ban e presentation.....MCYS "very casually" told MOE tt they are concerned abt e data tt was being presented in e paper, & hoped tt MOE wld look into e issue.....MCYS & MOE had never questioned e author on e data & had even approved her leave 2 go 4 e conference!!!!! WAT E FUCK!!!!
Now SCS 1s 2 hold a dialogue session wif MCYS & MOE, not 2 pursue who actually stopped e presentation but on e intellectual property rite o papers. When data r collected esp when it involves any1 fr any o e ministries, do e ministries automatically have e rite 2 censor e data......
Taking e case o e sex offender teaching in s'pore, c how e MOE, MOM & ICA r playing tai-chi???? no use playing tai-chi now!!! i dun 1 2 blame any1 4 e slip-up, i juz 1 2 know how we can prevent smething like tt fr happening again!!!! it looks 2 me tt there r bound 2 have more cases happening(or mayb there r juz tt we dunno...)......
can any1 in any o e ministries pls examine urselves 1st????? pls........
(Words in purple are my comments)
US sex offender jailed here for lying about his past
He hid criminal record to get employment pass to teach here
AN AMERICAN sex offender who lied about his criminal record in order to get an employment pass here was sentenced to seven months' jail and fined $8,000 on Wednesday.
Jack West, 58, had told the Ministry of Manpower (MOM) and Ministry of Education (MOE) he had never been convicted of a crime in any country.
In fact, he had a string of convictions in the United States dating back more than 30 years.
In May 1999 and July 2000, he lied to MOM about his record, first in an application for an employment pass, and later to renew it.
In November 2000 and July the following year, he lied about his criminal record to MOE in order to be allowed to work here as a teacher.
Deputy Public Prosecutor Ng Cheng Thiam told the court West would never have been granted an employment pass or be allowed to teach here if he had declared these past convictions in the US, especially since his crimes were serious ones.
(fei hua!!!! tt's y he didn't declare his past convictions......)
Among others, West was charged with raping his own son from his first marriage over a period of four years between 1984 and 1987.
The boy was only seven when he was first sexually assaulted by his father.
However, West fled the US before the trial could start. He returned in 1997 and pleaded guilty to four reduced charges of sexual battery and was sentenced to two years' jail.
He has also been in trouble with the law for drug trafficking, carrying an unlicensed gun and intimidation.
In Singapore, West started out working for a few private schools, including Orchard School of Arts and Commerce and Coleman Commercial and Language Centre, in 1999.
In October 2001, he set up JGW Consultancy, which provided English lessons to students, housewives and businessmen. As recently as three months ago, he was still giving tuition to three students in their homes.
West had a sideline as well: He ran a 'matchmaking' website selling information about Asian women to American men. The site featured pictures of women either in the nude or in provocative poses.
The two ministries began to investigate his background after The New Paper reported in early August that the convicted paedophile was now teaching young children in Singapore.
(The 2 ministries wld have never checked his bkgrd if there was no reporting by TNP?????)
West was then charged with eight counts of falsely declaring his criminal record to MOM and MOE.
MOM prosecutor Rosemary Chan called him a 'seasoned criminal' whose acts were premeditated and deceitful.
(E fact tt he cld slipped thro' so many different gates is not cos he was 'seasoned' but cos there's so many loopholes!!!!! tt's not a bloody gd excuse!!!!)
In response to queries about how West managed to slip through the net, an MOE spokesman said the onus of checking statements made by candidates who apply to be registered as teachers should fall on the schools, not the ministry.
(So schools shld b 1 doing all e checking???? So wat's e role o MOE???? a beautiful vase?????)
MOM would only say it 'takes into consideration the inputs of various government agencies when assessing the application for an employment pass'.
(MOE has no clue on e bkgrd o e applicants & they blindly pass e info 2 MOM who gladly lets criminals roam e s'pore grds???)
As for how West could enter Singapore when there was a warrant of arrest out for him in the US, the Immigration and Checkpoints Authority would only say: 'The movement records of individuals are not available for release as such information is private and confidential.'
(Now u r talking abt indv/human rites when there doesn't seem 2 b any in e 1st place anyway!!!!)
I was especially pissed at tis piece o news cos i c e different ministries doing tai-chi again!!!!
remember tt i wrote abt how a paper on child sexual abuse was banned fr presentation at e 11th hr????? anyway, tt matter has yet 2 b settled......e order was given by MOE tt e author o e paper, a phd student in NIE, cannot present her paper in n international conference. MOE cited tt they had "expert opinion" tt e paper cld present e teaching profession in a bad light.....e paper was on trainee teachers' personal experience of childhood sexual abuse.....& in tt paper, e % o these teachers reporting tt they had personal encounters of sexual abuse was a figure quite unlikely e offically reported figure of sexual abuse in singapore......after sme investigation/tracing by my boss , her boss & several other higher position members in s'pore children's society, they found tt e "expert opinion" tt was cited by MOE came fr MCYS.....So there was sme communication between SCS & MCYS, & MCYS said tt they never ordered MOE 2 ban e presentation.....MCYS "very casually" told MOE tt they are concerned abt e data tt was being presented in e paper, & hoped tt MOE wld look into e issue.....MCYS & MOE had never questioned e author on e data & had even approved her leave 2 go 4 e conference!!!!! WAT E FUCK!!!!
Now SCS 1s 2 hold a dialogue session wif MCYS & MOE, not 2 pursue who actually stopped e presentation but on e intellectual property rite o papers. When data r collected esp when it involves any1 fr any o e ministries, do e ministries automatically have e rite 2 censor e data......
Taking e case o e sex offender teaching in s'pore, c how e MOE, MOM & ICA r playing tai-chi???? no use playing tai-chi now!!! i dun 1 2 blame any1 4 e slip-up, i juz 1 2 know how we can prevent smething like tt fr happening again!!!! it looks 2 me tt there r bound 2 have more cases happening(or mayb there r juz tt we dunno...)......
can any1 in any o e ministries pls examine urselves 1st????? pls........
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
sponge bob square pants......
My friend sent me a test on wat cartoon character i m...& tis is the anlaysis i have:
Sponge Bob Square Pants - You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never want to loose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people then you will be stress-free.
Sponge Bob Square Pants - You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never want to loose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people then you will be stress-free.
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