spousal violence.....date rape....

Today November 25, 2004

Let us speak of the unspeakable
Urgent need to halt violence against women

No sex please. We're Asians (for Asians, read "Singaporeans"). Sexual harassment is not a problem in our society. We are Asians. We don't talk about sex.

Aids affect homosexuals more than heterosexuals. So, blame it on homosexuals and the non-government organisations, who are not doing their job of educating the public. However, please don't talk about condoms. That would promote promiscuous behaviour. Further, of course, as we are Asians, we don't talk about sex. It's against our culture.

Here's one of my favourite quotes. Not long ago, a gynaecologist explained the shortage of sperm and eggs in hospitals by saying: "It's simply not in our culture … to donate sperm." I wonder which Asian society is being referred to here.

It certainly is not the Singapore we read about and see around us. Last year, a survey of singles revealed six out of 10 men had multiple partners, three out of 10 men had one-night stands and three in 10 men had paid for sex.

Last month, Today reported that more than 100 young men visited prostitutes in Bintan regularly every weekend and that even though no formal statistics on sexually-transmitted diseases were available, 23 Singaporeans between 20 and 29 years of age have tested HIV-positive in the first six months of the year. Statistics also reveal that more women are being infected with Aids. I wonder who is spreading that around. However, we don't talk about sex.

Not so long ago, we didn't talk about violence against women either — till the Association of Women for Action and Research (Aware) exploded the myth that in Singapore, such violence was not a serious problem, neither was rape and, of course, sexual harassment does not exist.

Raising awareness of problems related to power and sex is a hard and continuing problem, yet few want to talk about it. However, it needs to be talked about.

Today is the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, a day to confront some of these issues. Aware is marking it by launching a two-week -long "White Ribbon campaign". It has been run by men since its launch in 1991, when Professor Michael Kaufman convinced more than 100,000 men in Canada to wear a white ribbon as a pledge never to commit, condone or remain silent about violence against women. Today, the campaign has spread to 65 countries. However, (surprise, surprise) Aware couldn't find men to run the campaign here. It's just not in our culture, I suppose.

Aware's campaign leaflet revealed the following statistics, compiled from media reports: From January to June this year, 72 incidents of rape were reported with 39 of the victims being under 19 years of age. The youngest is nine years old.

Last year, there were 1,082 cases of molestation, which is about three a day. One female was raped every three days and 61 of 110 rape cases involved girls aged 19 or younger. Nine out of 10 rape victims knew their attackers.

Seven people experience violence in their homes daily. In more than 80 per cent of the cases of domestic violence, the spouse is the abuser. The average age of the victims is 34.2 years. The average age of molest victims is 11.9 years. The average age of rape victims is less than 15 years old. The youngest perpetrator is a 15-year-old boy who raped his five-year-old cousin.

As part of this campaign, I was one of the speakers going to schools to raise awareness about sexual abuses and I am alarmed at the level of ignorance among girls about their own vulnerability. Ignorance does not protect. Instead, it makes them more vulnerable to abuse.

Awareness empowers. Awareness is raised by talking about the issues to prevent the destruction of lives, of the individual's self-worth, through being infected by HIV or by being sexually abused. We need to speak of the unspeakable. Not to speak of it, not to act is to be irresponsible.

The writer is a social activist.

Constance Singam
news@newstoday.com.sg


Today Nov 30 2004

End to abuse within reach
It is not up to men to stop violence against women; education is key

I refer to Constance Singam's News Comment, "Let us speak of the unspeakable" (Nov 25).

Truly, only women can change and stop violence against women. We cannot depend on men to help us if we don't first help ourselves.

So what can be done? Teach wives to love their husbands.

To take care of them with love and kindness.

Do not punish them by making them abstain from meeting their sexual needs because we feel we are not getting what we want.

Take care of their daily needs like we would our own children, make sure they are fed, clothed, warm and happy sexually.

If one gives love, one can only receive love.

Teach them to be mothers again. Tell them the importance of breastfeeding a child.

Take the time to nurture children. Do not abandon them to caregivers and expect them to turn out right.

Teach mothers to feed their families well.

It has long been said that heavy consumption of red meat promotes violent behaviour. Eating lots of fruits and vegetables helps digestion, reduces constipation and promotes good health in mind and body.

Teach women to change the family's diet and change the future.

Rose Mary Tan

What e fuck is tis stupid woman (Rose Mary Tan) trying 2 do???? trying 2 pursuade every1 2 go on a vegetarian diet???? Super pissed off when i saw tis article!!!! & i believe i'm not e only 1....read e following.....


Today December 1, 2004

Victims of abuse not to blame

Naive advice of no help in coping with problem of violence against women

I refer to Rose Mary Tan's letter, "End of abuse within reach" (Nov 30). I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I read her solutions for ending abuse. Having helped a close friend through three years of abuse by her husband, I can speak from experience: My friend was beaten up when she was nine months pregnant for preventing her husband from beating their daughter.

I was present at the hospital when she gave her statement to the police. At no time did the doctor, police or the court magistrate ask if her husband was constipated at the time of the assault.

At no time did they ask if she treated her daughter the same as her husband (as Rose Mary states: "Take care of their daily needs like we would our own children, make sure they are happy, warm and happy sexually.").

My friend only refused her husband once, and that was when he had her held hostage for 13 hours and tortured her.

Rose Mary also states, "If one gives love, one can only receive love." I would like to visit this utopia that she lives in. The reason my friend endured three years of violence is that she loved this man so much that she forgave him each time he said he was sorry.

Domestic violence has nothing to do with eating red meat, constipation or not treating men like children. It is about the abuse of power.

Using violence against another human being has nothing to do with love or the lack of it.

A man who hits his wife is a bully who knows his victim doesn't have the power or the will to get away. He knows that her love for him will keep her tied to him no matter how badly he treats her, and this makes him feel omnipotent.

That society turns a blind eye is affirmation, as he knows nobody will interfere. The longer he gets away with it, the more his violence escalates until it becomes an addiction.

The idea that this psychological defect can be corrected by giving a man everything he wants and feeding him a vegetarian diet is a sad reflection on how society values women: "It's not the man's fault, it's his mother's or wife's fault for not treating him as a god."

Violence in any area of life is unacceptable and inexcusable.

Kate Smith


Today December 1, 2004

Victims of abuse not to blame: Part 2

However well-intentioned, Ms Rose Mary Tan's recommendations wrongly blame women for domestic abuse and offer easy excuses for the unjustifiable levels of physical and verbal violence victims endure.

Victims of domestic abuse — predominantly female — are doubly shackled by the psychological and often financial hold their abusers have over them, and by an unsympathetic society that clings to the sadistic belief that they deserve their suffering. The result is that victims — women, children and men — suffer in silence because the majority cannot or will not acknowledge that domestic abuse is a social problem.

It is precisely this kind of hypocrisy that Ms Constance Singam condemned in her article ("Let us speak of the unspeakable", Nov 25).

Leon Lim Wen Hui


Today December 1, 2004

Victims of abuse not to blame: Part 3

Like Ms Tan, I would like to believe that "if one gives love, one can only receive love".

Unfortunately, experience has taught me that this is not always the case.

Has Ms Tan ever met anyone who has been abused? What she would tell a woman who has been beaten up by her husband just for asking: "Will you be home late tonight, dear"? What she would tell a girl who was raped by her uncle despite shouting "No!" throughout?

Yes, education is the key. But not in the way Ms Tan suggested. We must teach girls and boys about mutual respect, not to think that they know better than their partners and how to recognise and address an abusive relationship.

Tan Joo Hymn



Today November 27, 2004

THE HORROR, the humiliation
RAPE ...

Ng Shing Yishingyi@newstoday.com.sg

"WE WERE in his bedroom and no one was at home. He was living with his mum and sister who were at work that afternoon."

It started off with us having a heated discussion about his smoking habit. I was trying to take a pack of cigarettes away from him and suddenly he got very agitated and started saying that I was trying to control him and run his life. I didn't understand that he was actually angry with me.

"We were struggling on the bed and before I realised what was happening, he had pinned me down and was sitting on me. He had one hand over my face and neck. I felt like I was being strangled. I was focused on this and I didn't expect what came next — he raped me."

I was really scared for a while and didn't believe what he was trying to do. That probably gave him an advantage because I was so slow to react to what was happening, and when it was happening I couldn't do anything to stop it."

I remember thinking that he couldn't be THAT strong but I couldn't do anything to stop him. I kept thinking that this is not how I want to lose my virginity. All the time when I was trying to get him off me, I kept saying to myself that this can't happen because it is not supposed to happen."

May was just 17 when she was raped. And as in so many other cases of rape, it was by a man she considered a friend.

THE statistics on sexual violence against women in Singapore are startling. Every day, there are three molest cases. And every three days or so, a rape occurs. In nine of 10 of these rapes, the assailant is a family member, a friend or an acquaintance. These numbers, compiled from media reports by the Association of Women for Action and Research (Aware), may only scratch the surface of the situation, said Nominated MP and Aware president Braema Mathi.

"The figures are alarming, and what more of the unreported cases? These statistics only tell part of the story. There is another lot who hasn't come forward to report sexual violence against them, as these are the hardest acts to talk about for fear of taboo, humiliation or shame," she said.

For May, who is now 28 and happily engaged, it was years before she told anyone about her date rape. Years during which she had major self-confidence issues and problems with her relationships. "I think the biggest mistake I made was in not talking about it with someone as soon as it happened," said May (a pseudonym) in an email interview. "I was extremely ashamed of myself and I was sure no one would take me seriously especially since I was at his house when it happened. I really blamed myself for it, especially because my parents were strongly advising me not to get involved with any boys at that age.

"We were from the same school and I was afraid that if I made a fuss it would be all over the school. All sorts of weird thoughts were in my head for days after the incident and then I finally decided that I wasn't going to do anything about it. So I tried to put it behind me and live a normal life as much as I could."

But it never ever felt normal again. For years I had lots of problems with boyfriends. I had a lot of issues with my self-confidence and always found it easy to blame myself for things that went wrong in relationships."

I even stuck it out with a boyfriend who was very possessive and verbally abusive because I felt like I owed it to myself to make it right and not have another failure."

Rape victims are often very young. In the first six months of the year, the victims in 39 of the 72 rape cases reported in the media were aged 19 and below. The youngest was just nine years old. Because they are so young and feel so powerless, they often suffer in silence, said Aware counsellor Vera Handojo. "One of the youngest cases was a girl who had been raped when she was 3 or 4 years old, by her father. The incest went on for 10 years. Only when she was 25 did she seek help, belatedly," said Ms Handojo.

Another case was that of a 21-year-old girl who sought help after being molested by her divorced mother's boyfriend. She was "touched inappropriately" for at least eight years starting when she was eight years old."

They often feel like they have no choice but to put up with the violation, as they are dependent on their parents. When they do crack, they run away. Or perhaps their teachers find out. Only when they are adult and the assault is no longer happening, do they move out of the house, quietly leave the country, or stand up to their attackers," said Ms Handojo. May encourages victims of sexual assault to step forward and seek help, like she did.

"I wish I had reported it to the police and taken the proper actions. I wish I had confronted him for what he did rather than hide from it for such a long part of my life but I was extremely ashamed of myself, and I was sure no one would take me seriously," she said.

"I think every woman should be confident enough to know that when something like this happens, the last thing they should do is blame themselves because no matter where it happens or who the perpetrator is, there is just no excuse for it. It's as plain and simple as that. No one should put up with it and no one should ever feel ashamed to ask for help because help is always there."

BOX: If you are a victim of sexual violence, or see or suspect a case of violence against a woman, and would like to speak to someone about it, please call:

AWARE Helpline : 1800-774-5935
Family Service Centre Hotline: 1800-838-0100
Promoting Alternatives to Violence: 6555-0390
Family Protection Unit (Family Court): 6435-5077
Samaritans of Singapore: 1800-221-4444


Today November 30, 2004

Timely warning on the dangers of pre-marital sex

In conjunction with World Aids Day tomorrow, I would like to urge Singapore parents to remind their teenage children of the very real dangers of pre-marital sex.

As of last year, Singapore had 14 detected cases of teenagers with Aids. Just listen to their "too-late" regrets:

John, 20: "Plans? I don't make any plans. How to when you don't have a future?"

Veronica, 18: "When we first had sex, you think it just can't happen to you. I mean how unlucky can you get? Besides, I trusted my boyfriend. Now I feel I have no control over my own life.

"For a teenage girl, to be pregnant with an unwanted baby is not as disastrous as contracting Aids. Aids can also be transmitted from an infected mother to her baby.

An American doctor who has treated many teenage Aids victims had these wise words: "I'm going to tell my daughters that having sex is dangerous and that condoms give a false sense of security. "Reducing is not the same as eliminating the risk of a disease like Aids. There is no safe sex. We should stop kidding ourselves. Passing out condoms to teenagers is like issuing them squirt guns for a four-alarm blaze.

"Concerned parents should ponder: While your son or daughter may be well brought up, if he or she should fall in love and marry someone who has been "sleeping around", the risk of Aids is not only just for your child, but your future grandchildren as well.

See Leong Kit

Is it cos pple r more causal wif sex tt rape by pple victims know increase????