after reading abt e rose mary tan saga....it reminded me o another contentious comment made on radio by e infamous Sheikh Haikel who got fired fr perfect10 4 an insulting remark.... there was once when i was listening 2 their morning show; then sheikh made e comment tt women who dress provocatively, if they get raped, they shld b responsible 4 it!!!!! cos he said tt they r juz tempting e guys when they dress provocatively.....i was super pissed when i heard tt remark!!!! so i wrote in 2 give them a piece o my mind....below is my email & daniel ong's reply (cos dan & sheikh hosted e show 2gather).....
From: Bionicgal
Sent: Tue 4/13/2004 10:21 AM
To: Morning Show
Subject: provocative dressing???
Hi Dan & Haikel,
I seriously don't think it's a girl fault at all. Everyone has a right to her dressing. I seriously feel offended by Haikel's remark that girls who dress provocatively & got rape should hold some responsibility for it! There's precisely this kind of thinking that has prevented many victims from putting the culprit behind bars! This attitude has got to change! I read the newspaper (yesterday's Today) and found that there is approximately 1 rape case in every 3 days! If as a guy, the way that you dress becomes contentious, how would you feel? If I were to tell you that you look like a pig or something more insulting, is it my narrow sense of fashion or your total lack of it? If you feel comfortable in what you wear, that's all that really matters. Having temptations does not give you the excuse to commit rape or molest! If men (although biologically so) cannot resist temptation, should we just make it a law that all men should wear blindfolds so that there would not be any temptations? Or maybe we should be like the Talibans and mandate that all women should be covered up totally!
I'm sorry that I sound so angry, but this issue of women having to be responsible for her dressing has like I stated earlier prevented many victims from coming forward & this is totally sad. Please educate all listeners on this!
A truly controversial topic which seriously needs more attention. Happy reading to the millions of mails that you are bound to receive! Have a wonderful day ahead too!
Best of Regards,
Bionicgal
From: Morning Show [mailto:morningmadness@mediacorpradio.com]
Sent: Sat 17/04/2004 14:15
To: Bionicgal
Subject: RE: provocative dressing???
yo bionicgal,
hey!!!
thanks for your feedback!!!
noted...and with apologies if we offfended... will get it to sheikh too....
secondly, thanks for allowing us to be a part of your life, thanks for listening.
keep listening,
coz we will only get better!!! we promise...
love,
daniel ong
987fm
i wanted to write back when i saw e reply actually, cos i dun really tink they take my email seriously....but i didn't kick up a big fusss....come 2 tink o it i shld actually......but in any case they fired sheikh.....smart move!!!!! but wif pple like sheikh, then we wld know tt more oublic education is needed!!!!
Friday, December 03, 2004
rose mary tan........
Today December 3, 2004
Wong Hoong Hooi: Beyond gender politics
The women's movement here seems to prefer to focus on physical violence against women.
Acknowledging that boyfriends and husbands who are dominated also suffer abuse and bullying in silence does not seem to be in harmony with its notion of female victimisation.
Far from being naive, Ms Rose Mary Tan ("End of Abuse Within Reach", Nov 30) sees that focusing on providing the right family environment so that boys and girls are less likely to become abusers is far more positive than finger--pointing gender politics.
No doubt tt husband/boyfriend do get abused 2, however e way tt rose mary tan puts it across, it simply implies tt e wife/gfriend is at fault 2 b abused!!!!
Michael Chua Kheng Hwee: Nagging cause of men's violence
Perhaps the reason men tend to get violent with their wives could be due to the fact they are less articulate. When wives nag them, they may not be able to argue back as well as they would like to. So, they turn to the use of their fists.
The woman might save her skin by cutting down on nagging. The man might avoid his wife's nagging by exhibiting more "desirable" behaviour. The man who sows violence today, shall surely reap it someday.
do women like 2 nag??? y do women nag???? cos tt's e only way tt we can get e dumb ass o a husband/bfriend 2 respond.....being less articulate doesn't give u e rite 2 b violent!!!!
Wong Hoong Hooi: Beyond gender politics
The women's movement here seems to prefer to focus on physical violence against women.
Acknowledging that boyfriends and husbands who are dominated also suffer abuse and bullying in silence does not seem to be in harmony with its notion of female victimisation.
Far from being naive, Ms Rose Mary Tan ("End of Abuse Within Reach", Nov 30) sees that focusing on providing the right family environment so that boys and girls are less likely to become abusers is far more positive than finger--pointing gender politics.
No doubt tt husband/boyfriend do get abused 2, however e way tt rose mary tan puts it across, it simply implies tt e wife/gfriend is at fault 2 b abused!!!!
Michael Chua Kheng Hwee: Nagging cause of men's violence
Perhaps the reason men tend to get violent with their wives could be due to the fact they are less articulate. When wives nag them, they may not be able to argue back as well as they would like to. So, they turn to the use of their fists.
The woman might save her skin by cutting down on nagging. The man might avoid his wife's nagging by exhibiting more "desirable" behaviour. The man who sows violence today, shall surely reap it someday.
do women like 2 nag??? y do women nag???? cos tt's e only way tt we can get e dumb ass o a husband/bfriend 2 respond.....being less articulate doesn't give u e rite 2 b violent!!!!
i hate it when pple do it...
Today Dec 3 2004
When one person's comfort is another's pain
AN unsolicited massage in the bus is an irritating experience.
It is when you suddenly feel a pressure on your cushioned back-rest. You turn around to find that the passenger behind you, has his or her knees up against your back-rest.
It may be relaxing for him but painful for you. Have you been a victim? Or were you guilty of doing this to the passenger in front of you?
I have been a victim several times while on my way home from a tiring day at work. There were days when I politely whispered to the guilty passenger "can you please take your knees off?"
Thankfully, most of them complied, despite my small-framed, bespectacled appearance.
There were days when I just avoided confrontation and moved to another seat.
But on some days, I was in the mood for a fight and gave the offender a dose of his/her own medicine.
There's no mystery to why passengers do this. It's comfortable. But please remember, the next time you are tempted to do so, your comfort is somebody else's discomfort!
Bienvenido L Gonzalez IV
When one person's comfort is another's pain
AN unsolicited massage in the bus is an irritating experience.
It is when you suddenly feel a pressure on your cushioned back-rest. You turn around to find that the passenger behind you, has his or her knees up against your back-rest.
It may be relaxing for him but painful for you. Have you been a victim? Or were you guilty of doing this to the passenger in front of you?
I have been a victim several times while on my way home from a tiring day at work. There were days when I politely whispered to the guilty passenger "can you please take your knees off?"
Thankfully, most of them complied, despite my small-framed, bespectacled appearance.
There were days when I just avoided confrontation and moved to another seat.
But on some days, I was in the mood for a fight and gave the offender a dose of his/her own medicine.
There's no mystery to why passengers do this. It's comfortable. But please remember, the next time you are tempted to do so, your comfort is somebody else's discomfort!
Bienvenido L Gonzalez IV
Thursday, December 02, 2004
no blogging last nite....
was gg 2 blog last nite after work b4 tkd...but e site was down & also cos i was 2 scared 2 stay bk alone in e office after my colleague told me sme "history" abt e office.....anyway, very sleepy & in not much o a mood 2 blog.....
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
spousal violence.....date rape....
Today November 25, 2004
Let us speak of the unspeakable
Urgent need to halt violence against women
No sex please. We're Asians (for Asians, read "Singaporeans"). Sexual harassment is not a problem in our society. We are Asians. We don't talk about sex.
Aids affect homosexuals more than heterosexuals. So, blame it on homosexuals and the non-government organisations, who are not doing their job of educating the public. However, please don't talk about condoms. That would promote promiscuous behaviour. Further, of course, as we are Asians, we don't talk about sex. It's against our culture.
Here's one of my favourite quotes. Not long ago, a gynaecologist explained the shortage of sperm and eggs in hospitals by saying: "It's simply not in our culture … to donate sperm." I wonder which Asian society is being referred to here.
It certainly is not the Singapore we read about and see around us. Last year, a survey of singles revealed six out of 10 men had multiple partners, three out of 10 men had one-night stands and three in 10 men had paid for sex.
Last month, Today reported that more than 100 young men visited prostitutes in Bintan regularly every weekend and that even though no formal statistics on sexually-transmitted diseases were available, 23 Singaporeans between 20 and 29 years of age have tested HIV-positive in the first six months of the year. Statistics also reveal that more women are being infected with Aids. I wonder who is spreading that around. However, we don't talk about sex.
Not so long ago, we didn't talk about violence against women either — till the Association of Women for Action and Research (Aware) exploded the myth that in Singapore, such violence was not a serious problem, neither was rape and, of course, sexual harassment does not exist.
Raising awareness of problems related to power and sex is a hard and continuing problem, yet few want to talk about it. However, it needs to be talked about.
Today is the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, a day to confront some of these issues. Aware is marking it by launching a two-week -long "White Ribbon campaign". It has been run by men since its launch in 1991, when Professor Michael Kaufman convinced more than 100,000 men in Canada to wear a white ribbon as a pledge never to commit, condone or remain silent about violence against women. Today, the campaign has spread to 65 countries. However, (surprise, surprise) Aware couldn't find men to run the campaign here. It's just not in our culture, I suppose.
Aware's campaign leaflet revealed the following statistics, compiled from media reports: From January to June this year, 72 incidents of rape were reported with 39 of the victims being under 19 years of age. The youngest is nine years old.
Last year, there were 1,082 cases of molestation, which is about three a day. One female was raped every three days and 61 of 110 rape cases involved girls aged 19 or younger. Nine out of 10 rape victims knew their attackers.
Seven people experience violence in their homes daily. In more than 80 per cent of the cases of domestic violence, the spouse is the abuser. The average age of the victims is 34.2 years. The average age of molest victims is 11.9 years. The average age of rape victims is less than 15 years old. The youngest perpetrator is a 15-year-old boy who raped his five-year-old cousin.
As part of this campaign, I was one of the speakers going to schools to raise awareness about sexual abuses and I am alarmed at the level of ignorance among girls about their own vulnerability. Ignorance does not protect. Instead, it makes them more vulnerable to abuse.
Awareness empowers. Awareness is raised by talking about the issues to prevent the destruction of lives, of the individual's self-worth, through being infected by HIV or by being sexually abused. We need to speak of the unspeakable. Not to speak of it, not to act is to be irresponsible.
The writer is a social activist.
Constance Singam
news@newstoday.com.sg
Today Nov 30 2004
End to abuse within reach
It is not up to men to stop violence against women; education is key
I refer to Constance Singam's News Comment, "Let us speak of the unspeakable" (Nov 25).
Truly, only women can change and stop violence against women. We cannot depend on men to help us if we don't first help ourselves.
So what can be done? Teach wives to love their husbands.
To take care of them with love and kindness.
Do not punish them by making them abstain from meeting their sexual needs because we feel we are not getting what we want.
Take care of their daily needs like we would our own children, make sure they are fed, clothed, warm and happy sexually.
If one gives love, one can only receive love.
Teach them to be mothers again. Tell them the importance of breastfeeding a child.
Take the time to nurture children. Do not abandon them to caregivers and expect them to turn out right.
Teach mothers to feed their families well.
It has long been said that heavy consumption of red meat promotes violent behaviour. Eating lots of fruits and vegetables helps digestion, reduces constipation and promotes good health in mind and body.
Teach women to change the family's diet and change the future.
Rose Mary Tan
What e fuck is tis stupid woman (Rose Mary Tan) trying 2 do???? trying 2 pursuade every1 2 go on a vegetarian diet???? Super pissed off when i saw tis article!!!! & i believe i'm not e only 1....read e following.....
Today December 1, 2004
Victims of abuse not to blame
Naive advice of no help in coping with problem of violence against women
I refer to Rose Mary Tan's letter, "End of abuse within reach" (Nov 30). I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I read her solutions for ending abuse. Having helped a close friend through three years of abuse by her husband, I can speak from experience: My friend was beaten up when she was nine months pregnant for preventing her husband from beating their daughter.
I was present at the hospital when she gave her statement to the police. At no time did the doctor, police or the court magistrate ask if her husband was constipated at the time of the assault.
At no time did they ask if she treated her daughter the same as her husband (as Rose Mary states: "Take care of their daily needs like we would our own children, make sure they are happy, warm and happy sexually.").
My friend only refused her husband once, and that was when he had her held hostage for 13 hours and tortured her.
Rose Mary also states, "If one gives love, one can only receive love." I would like to visit this utopia that she lives in. The reason my friend endured three years of violence is that she loved this man so much that she forgave him each time he said he was sorry.
Domestic violence has nothing to do with eating red meat, constipation or not treating men like children. It is about the abuse of power.
Using violence against another human being has nothing to do with love or the lack of it.
A man who hits his wife is a bully who knows his victim doesn't have the power or the will to get away. He knows that her love for him will keep her tied to him no matter how badly he treats her, and this makes him feel omnipotent.
That society turns a blind eye is affirmation, as he knows nobody will interfere. The longer he gets away with it, the more his violence escalates until it becomes an addiction.
The idea that this psychological defect can be corrected by giving a man everything he wants and feeding him a vegetarian diet is a sad reflection on how society values women: "It's not the man's fault, it's his mother's or wife's fault for not treating him as a god."
Violence in any area of life is unacceptable and inexcusable.
Kate Smith
Today December 1, 2004
Victims of abuse not to blame: Part 2
However well-intentioned, Ms Rose Mary Tan's recommendations wrongly blame women for domestic abuse and offer easy excuses for the unjustifiable levels of physical and verbal violence victims endure.
Victims of domestic abuse — predominantly female — are doubly shackled by the psychological and often financial hold their abusers have over them, and by an unsympathetic society that clings to the sadistic belief that they deserve their suffering. The result is that victims — women, children and men — suffer in silence because the majority cannot or will not acknowledge that domestic abuse is a social problem.
It is precisely this kind of hypocrisy that Ms Constance Singam condemned in her article ("Let us speak of the unspeakable", Nov 25).
Leon Lim Wen Hui
Today December 1, 2004
Victims of abuse not to blame: Part 3
Like Ms Tan, I would like to believe that "if one gives love, one can only receive love".
Unfortunately, experience has taught me that this is not always the case.
Has Ms Tan ever met anyone who has been abused? What she would tell a woman who has been beaten up by her husband just for asking: "Will you be home late tonight, dear"? What she would tell a girl who was raped by her uncle despite shouting "No!" throughout?
Yes, education is the key. But not in the way Ms Tan suggested. We must teach girls and boys about mutual respect, not to think that they know better than their partners and how to recognise and address an abusive relationship.
Tan Joo Hymn
Today November 27, 2004
THE HORROR, the humiliation
RAPE ...
Ng Shing Yishingyi@newstoday.com.sg
"WE WERE in his bedroom and no one was at home. He was living with his mum and sister who were at work that afternoon."
It started off with us having a heated discussion about his smoking habit. I was trying to take a pack of cigarettes away from him and suddenly he got very agitated and started saying that I was trying to control him and run his life. I didn't understand that he was actually angry with me.
"We were struggling on the bed and before I realised what was happening, he had pinned me down and was sitting on me. He had one hand over my face and neck. I felt like I was being strangled. I was focused on this and I didn't expect what came next — he raped me."
I was really scared for a while and didn't believe what he was trying to do. That probably gave him an advantage because I was so slow to react to what was happening, and when it was happening I couldn't do anything to stop it."
I remember thinking that he couldn't be THAT strong but I couldn't do anything to stop him. I kept thinking that this is not how I want to lose my virginity. All the time when I was trying to get him off me, I kept saying to myself that this can't happen because it is not supposed to happen."
May was just 17 when she was raped. And as in so many other cases of rape, it was by a man she considered a friend.
THE statistics on sexual violence against women in Singapore are startling. Every day, there are three molest cases. And every three days or so, a rape occurs. In nine of 10 of these rapes, the assailant is a family member, a friend or an acquaintance. These numbers, compiled from media reports by the Association of Women for Action and Research (Aware), may only scratch the surface of the situation, said Nominated MP and Aware president Braema Mathi.
"The figures are alarming, and what more of the unreported cases? These statistics only tell part of the story. There is another lot who hasn't come forward to report sexual violence against them, as these are the hardest acts to talk about for fear of taboo, humiliation or shame," she said.
For May, who is now 28 and happily engaged, it was years before she told anyone about her date rape. Years during which she had major self-confidence issues and problems with her relationships. "I think the biggest mistake I made was in not talking about it with someone as soon as it happened," said May (a pseudonym) in an email interview. "I was extremely ashamed of myself and I was sure no one would take me seriously especially since I was at his house when it happened. I really blamed myself for it, especially because my parents were strongly advising me not to get involved with any boys at that age.
"We were from the same school and I was afraid that if I made a fuss it would be all over the school. All sorts of weird thoughts were in my head for days after the incident and then I finally decided that I wasn't going to do anything about it. So I tried to put it behind me and live a normal life as much as I could."
But it never ever felt normal again. For years I had lots of problems with boyfriends. I had a lot of issues with my self-confidence and always found it easy to blame myself for things that went wrong in relationships."
I even stuck it out with a boyfriend who was very possessive and verbally abusive because I felt like I owed it to myself to make it right and not have another failure."
Rape victims are often very young. In the first six months of the year, the victims in 39 of the 72 rape cases reported in the media were aged 19 and below. The youngest was just nine years old. Because they are so young and feel so powerless, they often suffer in silence, said Aware counsellor Vera Handojo. "One of the youngest cases was a girl who had been raped when she was 3 or 4 years old, by her father. The incest went on for 10 years. Only when she was 25 did she seek help, belatedly," said Ms Handojo.
Another case was that of a 21-year-old girl who sought help after being molested by her divorced mother's boyfriend. She was "touched inappropriately" for at least eight years starting when she was eight years old."
They often feel like they have no choice but to put up with the violation, as they are dependent on their parents. When they do crack, they run away. Or perhaps their teachers find out. Only when they are adult and the assault is no longer happening, do they move out of the house, quietly leave the country, or stand up to their attackers," said Ms Handojo. May encourages victims of sexual assault to step forward and seek help, like she did.
"I wish I had reported it to the police and taken the proper actions. I wish I had confronted him for what he did rather than hide from it for such a long part of my life but I was extremely ashamed of myself, and I was sure no one would take me seriously," she said.
"I think every woman should be confident enough to know that when something like this happens, the last thing they should do is blame themselves because no matter where it happens or who the perpetrator is, there is just no excuse for it. It's as plain and simple as that. No one should put up with it and no one should ever feel ashamed to ask for help because help is always there."
BOX: If you are a victim of sexual violence, or see or suspect a case of violence against a woman, and would like to speak to someone about it, please call:
AWARE Helpline : 1800-774-5935
Family Service Centre Hotline: 1800-838-0100
Promoting Alternatives to Violence: 6555-0390
Family Protection Unit (Family Court): 6435-5077
Samaritans of Singapore: 1800-221-4444
Today November 30, 2004
Timely warning on the dangers of pre-marital sex
In conjunction with World Aids Day tomorrow, I would like to urge Singapore parents to remind their teenage children of the very real dangers of pre-marital sex.
As of last year, Singapore had 14 detected cases of teenagers with Aids. Just listen to their "too-late" regrets:
John, 20: "Plans? I don't make any plans. How to when you don't have a future?"
Veronica, 18: "When we first had sex, you think it just can't happen to you. I mean how unlucky can you get? Besides, I trusted my boyfriend. Now I feel I have no control over my own life.
"For a teenage girl, to be pregnant with an unwanted baby is not as disastrous as contracting Aids. Aids can also be transmitted from an infected mother to her baby.
An American doctor who has treated many teenage Aids victims had these wise words: "I'm going to tell my daughters that having sex is dangerous and that condoms give a false sense of security. "Reducing is not the same as eliminating the risk of a disease like Aids. There is no safe sex. We should stop kidding ourselves. Passing out condoms to teenagers is like issuing them squirt guns for a four-alarm blaze.
"Concerned parents should ponder: While your son or daughter may be well brought up, if he or she should fall in love and marry someone who has been "sleeping around", the risk of Aids is not only just for your child, but your future grandchildren as well.
See Leong Kit
Is it cos pple r more causal wif sex tt rape by pple victims know increase????
Let us speak of the unspeakable
Urgent need to halt violence against women
No sex please. We're Asians (for Asians, read "Singaporeans"). Sexual harassment is not a problem in our society. We are Asians. We don't talk about sex.
Aids affect homosexuals more than heterosexuals. So, blame it on homosexuals and the non-government organisations, who are not doing their job of educating the public. However, please don't talk about condoms. That would promote promiscuous behaviour. Further, of course, as we are Asians, we don't talk about sex. It's against our culture.
Here's one of my favourite quotes. Not long ago, a gynaecologist explained the shortage of sperm and eggs in hospitals by saying: "It's simply not in our culture … to donate sperm." I wonder which Asian society is being referred to here.
It certainly is not the Singapore we read about and see around us. Last year, a survey of singles revealed six out of 10 men had multiple partners, three out of 10 men had one-night stands and three in 10 men had paid for sex.
Last month, Today reported that more than 100 young men visited prostitutes in Bintan regularly every weekend and that even though no formal statistics on sexually-transmitted diseases were available, 23 Singaporeans between 20 and 29 years of age have tested HIV-positive in the first six months of the year. Statistics also reveal that more women are being infected with Aids. I wonder who is spreading that around. However, we don't talk about sex.
Not so long ago, we didn't talk about violence against women either — till the Association of Women for Action and Research (Aware) exploded the myth that in Singapore, such violence was not a serious problem, neither was rape and, of course, sexual harassment does not exist.
Raising awareness of problems related to power and sex is a hard and continuing problem, yet few want to talk about it. However, it needs to be talked about.
Today is the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, a day to confront some of these issues. Aware is marking it by launching a two-week -long "White Ribbon campaign". It has been run by men since its launch in 1991, when Professor Michael Kaufman convinced more than 100,000 men in Canada to wear a white ribbon as a pledge never to commit, condone or remain silent about violence against women. Today, the campaign has spread to 65 countries. However, (surprise, surprise) Aware couldn't find men to run the campaign here. It's just not in our culture, I suppose.
Aware's campaign leaflet revealed the following statistics, compiled from media reports: From January to June this year, 72 incidents of rape were reported with 39 of the victims being under 19 years of age. The youngest is nine years old.
Last year, there were 1,082 cases of molestation, which is about three a day. One female was raped every three days and 61 of 110 rape cases involved girls aged 19 or younger. Nine out of 10 rape victims knew their attackers.
Seven people experience violence in their homes daily. In more than 80 per cent of the cases of domestic violence, the spouse is the abuser. The average age of the victims is 34.2 years. The average age of molest victims is 11.9 years. The average age of rape victims is less than 15 years old. The youngest perpetrator is a 15-year-old boy who raped his five-year-old cousin.
As part of this campaign, I was one of the speakers going to schools to raise awareness about sexual abuses and I am alarmed at the level of ignorance among girls about their own vulnerability. Ignorance does not protect. Instead, it makes them more vulnerable to abuse.
Awareness empowers. Awareness is raised by talking about the issues to prevent the destruction of lives, of the individual's self-worth, through being infected by HIV or by being sexually abused. We need to speak of the unspeakable. Not to speak of it, not to act is to be irresponsible.
The writer is a social activist.
Constance Singam
news@newstoday.com.sg
Today Nov 30 2004
End to abuse within reach
It is not up to men to stop violence against women; education is key
I refer to Constance Singam's News Comment, "Let us speak of the unspeakable" (Nov 25).
Truly, only women can change and stop violence against women. We cannot depend on men to help us if we don't first help ourselves.
So what can be done? Teach wives to love their husbands.
To take care of them with love and kindness.
Do not punish them by making them abstain from meeting their sexual needs because we feel we are not getting what we want.
Take care of their daily needs like we would our own children, make sure they are fed, clothed, warm and happy sexually.
If one gives love, one can only receive love.
Teach them to be mothers again. Tell them the importance of breastfeeding a child.
Take the time to nurture children. Do not abandon them to caregivers and expect them to turn out right.
Teach mothers to feed their families well.
It has long been said that heavy consumption of red meat promotes violent behaviour. Eating lots of fruits and vegetables helps digestion, reduces constipation and promotes good health in mind and body.
Teach women to change the family's diet and change the future.
Rose Mary Tan
What e fuck is tis stupid woman (Rose Mary Tan) trying 2 do???? trying 2 pursuade every1 2 go on a vegetarian diet???? Super pissed off when i saw tis article!!!! & i believe i'm not e only 1....read e following.....
Today December 1, 2004
Victims of abuse not to blame
Naive advice of no help in coping with problem of violence against women
I refer to Rose Mary Tan's letter, "End of abuse within reach" (Nov 30). I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I read her solutions for ending abuse. Having helped a close friend through three years of abuse by her husband, I can speak from experience: My friend was beaten up when she was nine months pregnant for preventing her husband from beating their daughter.
I was present at the hospital when she gave her statement to the police. At no time did the doctor, police or the court magistrate ask if her husband was constipated at the time of the assault.
At no time did they ask if she treated her daughter the same as her husband (as Rose Mary states: "Take care of their daily needs like we would our own children, make sure they are happy, warm and happy sexually.").
My friend only refused her husband once, and that was when he had her held hostage for 13 hours and tortured her.
Rose Mary also states, "If one gives love, one can only receive love." I would like to visit this utopia that she lives in. The reason my friend endured three years of violence is that she loved this man so much that she forgave him each time he said he was sorry.
Domestic violence has nothing to do with eating red meat, constipation or not treating men like children. It is about the abuse of power.
Using violence against another human being has nothing to do with love or the lack of it.
A man who hits his wife is a bully who knows his victim doesn't have the power or the will to get away. He knows that her love for him will keep her tied to him no matter how badly he treats her, and this makes him feel omnipotent.
That society turns a blind eye is affirmation, as he knows nobody will interfere. The longer he gets away with it, the more his violence escalates until it becomes an addiction.
The idea that this psychological defect can be corrected by giving a man everything he wants and feeding him a vegetarian diet is a sad reflection on how society values women: "It's not the man's fault, it's his mother's or wife's fault for not treating him as a god."
Violence in any area of life is unacceptable and inexcusable.
Kate Smith
Today December 1, 2004
Victims of abuse not to blame: Part 2
However well-intentioned, Ms Rose Mary Tan's recommendations wrongly blame women for domestic abuse and offer easy excuses for the unjustifiable levels of physical and verbal violence victims endure.
Victims of domestic abuse — predominantly female — are doubly shackled by the psychological and often financial hold their abusers have over them, and by an unsympathetic society that clings to the sadistic belief that they deserve their suffering. The result is that victims — women, children and men — suffer in silence because the majority cannot or will not acknowledge that domestic abuse is a social problem.
It is precisely this kind of hypocrisy that Ms Constance Singam condemned in her article ("Let us speak of the unspeakable", Nov 25).
Leon Lim Wen Hui
Today December 1, 2004
Victims of abuse not to blame: Part 3
Like Ms Tan, I would like to believe that "if one gives love, one can only receive love".
Unfortunately, experience has taught me that this is not always the case.
Has Ms Tan ever met anyone who has been abused? What she would tell a woman who has been beaten up by her husband just for asking: "Will you be home late tonight, dear"? What she would tell a girl who was raped by her uncle despite shouting "No!" throughout?
Yes, education is the key. But not in the way Ms Tan suggested. We must teach girls and boys about mutual respect, not to think that they know better than their partners and how to recognise and address an abusive relationship.
Tan Joo Hymn
Today November 27, 2004
THE HORROR, the humiliation
RAPE ...
Ng Shing Yishingyi@newstoday.com.sg
"WE WERE in his bedroom and no one was at home. He was living with his mum and sister who were at work that afternoon."
It started off with us having a heated discussion about his smoking habit. I was trying to take a pack of cigarettes away from him and suddenly he got very agitated and started saying that I was trying to control him and run his life. I didn't understand that he was actually angry with me.
"We were struggling on the bed and before I realised what was happening, he had pinned me down and was sitting on me. He had one hand over my face and neck. I felt like I was being strangled. I was focused on this and I didn't expect what came next — he raped me."
I was really scared for a while and didn't believe what he was trying to do. That probably gave him an advantage because I was so slow to react to what was happening, and when it was happening I couldn't do anything to stop it."
I remember thinking that he couldn't be THAT strong but I couldn't do anything to stop him. I kept thinking that this is not how I want to lose my virginity. All the time when I was trying to get him off me, I kept saying to myself that this can't happen because it is not supposed to happen."
May was just 17 when she was raped. And as in so many other cases of rape, it was by a man she considered a friend.
THE statistics on sexual violence against women in Singapore are startling. Every day, there are three molest cases. And every three days or so, a rape occurs. In nine of 10 of these rapes, the assailant is a family member, a friend or an acquaintance. These numbers, compiled from media reports by the Association of Women for Action and Research (Aware), may only scratch the surface of the situation, said Nominated MP and Aware president Braema Mathi.
"The figures are alarming, and what more of the unreported cases? These statistics only tell part of the story. There is another lot who hasn't come forward to report sexual violence against them, as these are the hardest acts to talk about for fear of taboo, humiliation or shame," she said.
For May, who is now 28 and happily engaged, it was years before she told anyone about her date rape. Years during which she had major self-confidence issues and problems with her relationships. "I think the biggest mistake I made was in not talking about it with someone as soon as it happened," said May (a pseudonym) in an email interview. "I was extremely ashamed of myself and I was sure no one would take me seriously especially since I was at his house when it happened. I really blamed myself for it, especially because my parents were strongly advising me not to get involved with any boys at that age.
"We were from the same school and I was afraid that if I made a fuss it would be all over the school. All sorts of weird thoughts were in my head for days after the incident and then I finally decided that I wasn't going to do anything about it. So I tried to put it behind me and live a normal life as much as I could."
But it never ever felt normal again. For years I had lots of problems with boyfriends. I had a lot of issues with my self-confidence and always found it easy to blame myself for things that went wrong in relationships."
I even stuck it out with a boyfriend who was very possessive and verbally abusive because I felt like I owed it to myself to make it right and not have another failure."
Rape victims are often very young. In the first six months of the year, the victims in 39 of the 72 rape cases reported in the media were aged 19 and below. The youngest was just nine years old. Because they are so young and feel so powerless, they often suffer in silence, said Aware counsellor Vera Handojo. "One of the youngest cases was a girl who had been raped when she was 3 or 4 years old, by her father. The incest went on for 10 years. Only when she was 25 did she seek help, belatedly," said Ms Handojo.
Another case was that of a 21-year-old girl who sought help after being molested by her divorced mother's boyfriend. She was "touched inappropriately" for at least eight years starting when she was eight years old."
They often feel like they have no choice but to put up with the violation, as they are dependent on their parents. When they do crack, they run away. Or perhaps their teachers find out. Only when they are adult and the assault is no longer happening, do they move out of the house, quietly leave the country, or stand up to their attackers," said Ms Handojo. May encourages victims of sexual assault to step forward and seek help, like she did.
"I wish I had reported it to the police and taken the proper actions. I wish I had confronted him for what he did rather than hide from it for such a long part of my life but I was extremely ashamed of myself, and I was sure no one would take me seriously," she said.
"I think every woman should be confident enough to know that when something like this happens, the last thing they should do is blame themselves because no matter where it happens or who the perpetrator is, there is just no excuse for it. It's as plain and simple as that. No one should put up with it and no one should ever feel ashamed to ask for help because help is always there."
BOX: If you are a victim of sexual violence, or see or suspect a case of violence against a woman, and would like to speak to someone about it, please call:
AWARE Helpline : 1800-774-5935
Family Service Centre Hotline: 1800-838-0100
Promoting Alternatives to Violence: 6555-0390
Family Protection Unit (Family Court): 6435-5077
Samaritans of Singapore: 1800-221-4444
Today November 30, 2004
Timely warning on the dangers of pre-marital sex
In conjunction with World Aids Day tomorrow, I would like to urge Singapore parents to remind their teenage children of the very real dangers of pre-marital sex.
As of last year, Singapore had 14 detected cases of teenagers with Aids. Just listen to their "too-late" regrets:
John, 20: "Plans? I don't make any plans. How to when you don't have a future?"
Veronica, 18: "When we first had sex, you think it just can't happen to you. I mean how unlucky can you get? Besides, I trusted my boyfriend. Now I feel I have no control over my own life.
"For a teenage girl, to be pregnant with an unwanted baby is not as disastrous as contracting Aids. Aids can also be transmitted from an infected mother to her baby.
An American doctor who has treated many teenage Aids victims had these wise words: "I'm going to tell my daughters that having sex is dangerous and that condoms give a false sense of security. "Reducing is not the same as eliminating the risk of a disease like Aids. There is no safe sex. We should stop kidding ourselves. Passing out condoms to teenagers is like issuing them squirt guns for a four-alarm blaze.
"Concerned parents should ponder: While your son or daughter may be well brought up, if he or she should fall in love and marry someone who has been "sleeping around", the risk of Aids is not only just for your child, but your future grandchildren as well.
See Leong Kit
Is it cos pple r more causal wif sex tt rape by pple victims know increase????
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
hahaha....cold joke....
This is hilarious ......... even an Englishman could not concoct sentences using numeric, which is exclusive only to Singaporeans.
Lim Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 0. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1.This is what he came up with ......
"1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep. But couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushes out and wanted to 5 with me. I run until I fall 6 and throw out. So I go into 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab him. 10 God he runs away. So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work He also asks me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand, I so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1"
Lim Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 0. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1.This is what he came up with ......
"1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep. But couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushes out and wanted to 5 with me. I run until I fall 6 and throw out. So I go into 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab him. 10 God he runs away. So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work He also asks me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand, I so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1"
Monday, November 29, 2004
courage....
"Should I spot Sunny - and my few remaining friends - on the street, I trust I can muster the energy to walk up to them and say 'hi'. For, really,that is all it takes to keep a friendship alive.
The greatest regrets in our lives are the risks we did not take. If you think something will make you happy, go for it. Remember that we pass this way only once. "The hardest part in loving a person from a distance is not being able to hold her hand and embrace her tight and tell her how much you love her - because you are only a friend.""
-from earlier entry on friendship....
easier said than done.....at least 4 me......
can sme1 explain e sentence in red 4 me????
The greatest regrets in our lives are the risks we did not take. If you think something will make you happy, go for it. Remember that we pass this way only once. "The hardest part in loving a person from a distance is not being able to hold her hand and embrace her tight and tell her how much you love her - because you are only a friend.""
-from earlier entry on friendship....
easier said than done.....at least 4 me......
can sme1 explain e sentence in red 4 me????
birthday....
happy belated bday 2 me.....thks mom 4 bringing me into tis world......
i never really like 2 celebrate my bday actually......i celebrate it cos then i can bring e impt pple in my life 2gather.......i tink tt's e only day when i've e "authority" 2 ask pple 2 drop everything else & come 2gather.....happy tt 7 o us were there ytd......sorry tt e dinner was so x.....i didn't know......i only tot it wld b a great place 2 check since there isn't usu a big crowd.....
1 person missing.....she was involved in n exhibition or smething like tt.....i feel tired......i smile 2 hide my tiredness......i open my eyes 2 show i'm awake......i like e feel o chatting......i like 2 know u r comfortable wif baring ur heart 2 me but at e same time i know there're still bits & pieces which every1 1 2 keep a secret.....
i really hope toto 2nite wld get every1 out o proverty.....i 1 2 let my parents go 4 a holiday...i will go wif them cos i never really appreciated them.....i know i wld b pissed at e trip, i know tt dad will always complain.....but all these i know but has it happened? no, not yet, so y not juz go 4 it, mayb it wldn't happen.....dun tink so much....no need 2 tink so much.....if it is as predicted, 100 marks 4 accuracy, if it doesn't it's a bonus!
shoot...i'm really juz writing down my random tots......
cross my fingers 4 e bonus 4 tis yr.....
happy birthday 2 me & 2 every1.......
shooting stars.....sunrise.....windy nite.....heart2heart........silly giggles.....laughing out loud.....mayb even crying/weeping......i'm waiting 4 e nite......
i never really like 2 celebrate my bday actually......i celebrate it cos then i can bring e impt pple in my life 2gather.......i tink tt's e only day when i've e "authority" 2 ask pple 2 drop everything else & come 2gather.....happy tt 7 o us were there ytd......sorry tt e dinner was so x.....i didn't know......i only tot it wld b a great place 2 check since there isn't usu a big crowd.....
1 person missing.....she was involved in n exhibition or smething like tt.....i feel tired......i smile 2 hide my tiredness......i open my eyes 2 show i'm awake......i like e feel o chatting......i like 2 know u r comfortable wif baring ur heart 2 me but at e same time i know there're still bits & pieces which every1 1 2 keep a secret.....
i really hope toto 2nite wld get every1 out o proverty.....i 1 2 let my parents go 4 a holiday...i will go wif them cos i never really appreciated them.....i know i wld b pissed at e trip, i know tt dad will always complain.....but all these i know but has it happened? no, not yet, so y not juz go 4 it, mayb it wldn't happen.....dun tink so much....no need 2 tink so much.....if it is as predicted, 100 marks 4 accuracy, if it doesn't it's a bonus!
shoot...i'm really juz writing down my random tots......
cross my fingers 4 e bonus 4 tis yr.....
happy birthday 2 me & 2 every1.......
shooting stars.....sunrise.....windy nite.....heart2heart........silly giggles.....laughing out loud.....mayb even crying/weeping......i'm waiting 4 e nite......
responsibilities.....
i know as u grow older, u've more & more responsibilities....i know it's inevitable....but really...i really dun 1 it.....tt's y i tink i'll never b a gd daughter, girlfriend or a mother.....i know i run whenever i sense committment.....e past few days made me tink more...even though i was in a concussed state most o e time......i'm irresponsible & i admit.....but i'm not doing anything abt it.....i dun 1 2 do anything abt it.....i 1 others 2 b responsible 4 me but at e same time i'm afraid when pple respond 2 gd 2 me cos i know i need 2 b responsible 2 them.....
i was disappointed then cos i really dunno y u acted tt way.....i tot every1 1ed 2 've fun 2gather....i tot it was gg 2 b a great time 4 u as well as 4 me....i know pple change....i dun blame them & i dun 've a choice anyway....i change 2....there had been many time b4 when i felt disappointed....i must admit.....but i know tt not everything comes as wat ur heart 1s....so i learn 2 accept it & i grew tired......i went 2 other pastures but i found tt i still long 4 e same pasture more.....although e pasture may not b wat it used 2 b, i still cherish it at least up till tis very moment.....many things r inevitable, but how do u get used 2 it???? y must u get used 2 it???? do we always have 2 follow convention???? i dun 1 2 but i didn't put in effort 2 change anything.....e only excuse i can give is tt i'm tired & i'm lazy......
i dunno if i'm making any sense now cos i'm still concussed at tis moment.....my brain's a total blank & i'm juz typing away without much tot......i dunno if i'll offend any1 whether it'll change anything if at all.......
last conclusion.....e person i never say hi 2, i tink i'll never muster up e courage 2 say hi even if i meet him.....i dunno y but i know i wldn't.....i hope he says hi 1st cos i dun tink i'll unless he does it.....but y doesn't he say hi when he saw me???? i 1 2 know but i'm not doing anything......
problem wif me: i only tink i never do.....
concussed totally.....sleepy totally......lazy totally....
i was disappointed then cos i really dunno y u acted tt way.....i tot every1 1ed 2 've fun 2gather....i tot it was gg 2 b a great time 4 u as well as 4 me....i know pple change....i dun blame them & i dun 've a choice anyway....i change 2....there had been many time b4 when i felt disappointed....i must admit.....but i know tt not everything comes as wat ur heart 1s....so i learn 2 accept it & i grew tired......i went 2 other pastures but i found tt i still long 4 e same pasture more.....although e pasture may not b wat it used 2 b, i still cherish it at least up till tis very moment.....many things r inevitable, but how do u get used 2 it???? y must u get used 2 it???? do we always have 2 follow convention???? i dun 1 2 but i didn't put in effort 2 change anything.....e only excuse i can give is tt i'm tired & i'm lazy......
i dunno if i'm making any sense now cos i'm still concussed at tis moment.....my brain's a total blank & i'm juz typing away without much tot......i dunno if i'll offend any1 whether it'll change anything if at all.......
last conclusion.....e person i never say hi 2, i tink i'll never muster up e courage 2 say hi even if i meet him.....i dunno y but i know i wldn't.....i hope he says hi 1st cos i dun tink i'll unless he does it.....but y doesn't he say hi when he saw me???? i 1 2 know but i'm not doing anything......
problem wif me: i only tink i never do.....
concussed totally.....sleepy totally......lazy totally....
Friday, November 26, 2004
ST Nov 26, 2004
Mother is the most beautiful word
London - MOTHER is the most beautiful word in the English language, followed by passion, smile, love and eternity, according to a worldwide survey released yesterday.
The British Council, the government agency that promotes British culture around the globe, quizzed more than 40,000 people in 102 non-English speaking countries on their favourite words.
Fantastic, destiny, freedom, liberty and tranquility filled out the top 10 rankings of most beautiful English words, out of a list of 70 words.
Others that made the grade included lollipop (42), flip-flop (59), hen night (70) and banana (41), along with twinkle (23), hiccup (63) and oi (61).
'It is interesting that mother, the only word of the 70 that describes a direct relationship between people, came top of the poll,' said a British Council spokesman.
Father did not make the list at all. \-- AGENCE FRANCE-PRESSE
Mother is the most beautiful word
London - MOTHER is the most beautiful word in the English language, followed by passion, smile, love and eternity, according to a worldwide survey released yesterday.
The British Council, the government agency that promotes British culture around the globe, quizzed more than 40,000 people in 102 non-English speaking countries on their favourite words.
Fantastic, destiny, freedom, liberty and tranquility filled out the top 10 rankings of most beautiful English words, out of a list of 70 words.
Others that made the grade included lollipop (42), flip-flop (59), hen night (70) and banana (41), along with twinkle (23), hiccup (63) and oi (61).
'It is interesting that mother, the only word of the 70 that describes a direct relationship between people, came top of the poll,' said a British Council spokesman.
Father did not make the list at all. \-- AGENCE FRANCE-PRESSE
Thursday, November 25, 2004
friendship....
My friend sent me tis article & i tink i 1 2 share it....actually shldn't describe him as a friend....more o an acquaintance......sme1 i know in my sign lang class....dunno e exact date tt tis article was in e news.....
A moving article by Sumiko Tan:
StraitsTimes -
Too old to make new friends?
SUNNY, one of my dearest friends at work, will leaveThe Straits Times next month for greener pastures. He is not my first friend from the office to say goodbye. Over the years, there have been a handful of colleagues who became friends. In recent times, at least three others have also left. When Sunny told me that he was leaving, I moaned: 'With you gone, I will have hardly any friends left in the office!' Which set me thinking: At what point doesan acquaintance or colleague become a friend? And, to take a step back, what is this concept called 'friendship' anyway?
Indeed, what makes you click withone person and form a friendship with him, but not some other? If a friend is defined as someone I feel completely comfortable calling up at 3 am to bail me out of trouble - and Sunny will do so - then, alas, I don't have that many friends. Other than family members, I can count on just one female friend and three, at best four, male friends. But then, maybe that's plenty. As someone once said, one friend in a lifetime is much, two are many, three are hardly possible.
FRIENDSHIPS are different from relationships - and thank goodness for that. You can be great chums with your partner, of course, but a relationship is so much more complex. It is not only about that enrapturing feeling called love, but - if you are unlucky - also a host of murky emotions like jealousy, resentment, anger, pain and despair. Friendship is simpler and fills you, mostly, with harmless Type B emotions - kindliness, fondness, warmth and cordiality. With a lover, you make demands and have expectations. But with a friend, you're cool. You don't really owe him anything, or have to explain much, because, ultimately, you demand nothing more from each other than pleasant company and an occasional listening ear. Love, I read somewhere, is blind, but friendship closes its eyes. How true.
THE older I get, the more I value friends. Yet, ironically, I find that it is now not only harder for me to maintain old friendships, but also to form new ones. When I was in school, friendships came naturally. My friends and I moved in a pack - we ate, studied, gossiped and partied together. We exchanged secrets and gifts, sent cards and gave treats. Our friendships were firm, and sweet. Coming from an all-girls school, I didn't get to make male friends until I was in junior college. Initial shyness aside, I found that it was possible to have a platonic relationship with a guy, and that they made equally good friends. By the time I went to university, I was already attached, and had little time to make new friends, male or female. Then came working life.
Through sheer proximity and the amount of time spent together, it was inevitable that some colleagues became more than co workers. What is it that allows you to become friends with some people, and not others? Shared experience is one requisite, and the sharper it is, the better. For Sunny and I, it was our years spent pounding the same beat, politics. That X factor called 'chemistry' is another, and I suppose this explains how you can be firm friends with people who are very different from you.
THE saddest thing about friendship is that it can die.It doesn't come with a lifelong guarantee.
Distance is one killer. Unless you are diligent in keeping in touch with a friend, being far away can drive a wedge in your relationship. Changes in circumstance is another. It has been said that a friend in power is a friend lost, and I have found this to be true. When a friend moves up in life, he will become too busy for you, while you don't want to risk rejection by trying to keep in contact with him. Marriages have also caused friendships to fade as your spouse might not take to your friends.
Then there are friendships that die because they have simply run their course. I had a close female friend whom I had known since we were both 17. About four years back, after 16 years of keeping in touch through the mail, long hours on thephone and giggly lunches, our friendship died. Just like that. There was no quarrel, no disagreement, no underlying unhappiness or animosity or hurts. The plug was just pulled. The last time we saw each other was at lunch - in fact, it was to celebrate her birthday. We were our usual loud selves. After the meal, we gave our usual hug, said our usual cheery goodbyes and made our usual promise to meet again. We didn't call each other for weeks (which was normal, as we were both busy), then months (which began to feel a bit strange, but nothing to be alarmed about), then, yes, years (by then, it was too late to resuscitate the friendship).We did talk once, last year, when my father died and she called. I was grateful to hear from her and I know it took a lot for her to pick up the phone after so many years. I wish nothing but the best for her, and am always glad to hear from mutual friends that she is well. Yet, I know that if we were to bump into each other today, it would feel awkward.
IF I value friendship so much, why don't I just go forth and make more friends? It is easier said than done. People my age and older are busy with careers and family. I have fewer things in common with those younger. But the fault is mine. At my age, I lack the energy and enthusiasm.
Starting and maintaining a friendship might be far less arduous than a relationship, but it still requires effort. Do I have the strength for that on top of the other demands in my life? So, next month, I say goodbye to Sunny and I am left with one friend fewer at work. British writer Virginia Woolf once said: 'I have lost friends, some by death - others by sheer inability to cross the street.' Should I spot Sunny - and my few remaining friends - on the street, I trust I can muster the energy to walk up to them and say 'hi'. For, really,that is all it takes to keep a friendship alive.
The greatest regrets in our lives are the risks we did not take. If you think something will make you happy, go for it. Remember that we pass this way only once. "The hardest part in loving a person from a distance is not being able to hold her hand and embrace her tight and tell her how much you love her - because you are only a friend."
A moving article by Sumiko Tan:
StraitsTimes -
Too old to make new friends?
SUNNY, one of my dearest friends at work, will leaveThe Straits Times next month for greener pastures. He is not my first friend from the office to say goodbye. Over the years, there have been a handful of colleagues who became friends. In recent times, at least three others have also left. When Sunny told me that he was leaving, I moaned: 'With you gone, I will have hardly any friends left in the office!' Which set me thinking: At what point doesan acquaintance or colleague become a friend? And, to take a step back, what is this concept called 'friendship' anyway?
Indeed, what makes you click withone person and form a friendship with him, but not some other? If a friend is defined as someone I feel completely comfortable calling up at 3 am to bail me out of trouble - and Sunny will do so - then, alas, I don't have that many friends. Other than family members, I can count on just one female friend and three, at best four, male friends. But then, maybe that's plenty. As someone once said, one friend in a lifetime is much, two are many, three are hardly possible.
FRIENDSHIPS are different from relationships - and thank goodness for that. You can be great chums with your partner, of course, but a relationship is so much more complex. It is not only about that enrapturing feeling called love, but - if you are unlucky - also a host of murky emotions like jealousy, resentment, anger, pain and despair. Friendship is simpler and fills you, mostly, with harmless Type B emotions - kindliness, fondness, warmth and cordiality. With a lover, you make demands and have expectations. But with a friend, you're cool. You don't really owe him anything, or have to explain much, because, ultimately, you demand nothing more from each other than pleasant company and an occasional listening ear. Love, I read somewhere, is blind, but friendship closes its eyes. How true.
THE older I get, the more I value friends. Yet, ironically, I find that it is now not only harder for me to maintain old friendships, but also to form new ones. When I was in school, friendships came naturally. My friends and I moved in a pack - we ate, studied, gossiped and partied together. We exchanged secrets and gifts, sent cards and gave treats. Our friendships were firm, and sweet. Coming from an all-girls school, I didn't get to make male friends until I was in junior college. Initial shyness aside, I found that it was possible to have a platonic relationship with a guy, and that they made equally good friends. By the time I went to university, I was already attached, and had little time to make new friends, male or female. Then came working life.
Through sheer proximity and the amount of time spent together, it was inevitable that some colleagues became more than co workers. What is it that allows you to become friends with some people, and not others? Shared experience is one requisite, and the sharper it is, the better. For Sunny and I, it was our years spent pounding the same beat, politics. That X factor called 'chemistry' is another, and I suppose this explains how you can be firm friends with people who are very different from you.
THE saddest thing about friendship is that it can die.It doesn't come with a lifelong guarantee.
Distance is one killer. Unless you are diligent in keeping in touch with a friend, being far away can drive a wedge in your relationship. Changes in circumstance is another. It has been said that a friend in power is a friend lost, and I have found this to be true. When a friend moves up in life, he will become too busy for you, while you don't want to risk rejection by trying to keep in contact with him. Marriages have also caused friendships to fade as your spouse might not take to your friends.
Then there are friendships that die because they have simply run their course. I had a close female friend whom I had known since we were both 17. About four years back, after 16 years of keeping in touch through the mail, long hours on thephone and giggly lunches, our friendship died. Just like that. There was no quarrel, no disagreement, no underlying unhappiness or animosity or hurts. The plug was just pulled. The last time we saw each other was at lunch - in fact, it was to celebrate her birthday. We were our usual loud selves. After the meal, we gave our usual hug, said our usual cheery goodbyes and made our usual promise to meet again. We didn't call each other for weeks (which was normal, as we were both busy), then months (which began to feel a bit strange, but nothing to be alarmed about), then, yes, years (by then, it was too late to resuscitate the friendship).We did talk once, last year, when my father died and she called. I was grateful to hear from her and I know it took a lot for her to pick up the phone after so many years. I wish nothing but the best for her, and am always glad to hear from mutual friends that she is well. Yet, I know that if we were to bump into each other today, it would feel awkward.
IF I value friendship so much, why don't I just go forth and make more friends? It is easier said than done. People my age and older are busy with careers and family. I have fewer things in common with those younger. But the fault is mine. At my age, I lack the energy and enthusiasm.
Starting and maintaining a friendship might be far less arduous than a relationship, but it still requires effort. Do I have the strength for that on top of the other demands in my life? So, next month, I say goodbye to Sunny and I am left with one friend fewer at work. British writer Virginia Woolf once said: 'I have lost friends, some by death - others by sheer inability to cross the street.' Should I spot Sunny - and my few remaining friends - on the street, I trust I can muster the energy to walk up to them and say 'hi'. For, really,that is all it takes to keep a friendship alive.
The greatest regrets in our lives are the risks we did not take. If you think something will make you happy, go for it. Remember that we pass this way only once. "The hardest part in loving a person from a distance is not being able to hold her hand and embrace her tight and tell her how much you love her - because you are only a friend."
Stand up for S'pore.......
No matter how others might judge S'pore, no matter how many times we complain abt S'pore, no matter how much we hate having 2 listen 2 e govt, no matter how we always 've 2 get tt piece o paper at all cost, I STILL LOVE SINGAPORE!!!!
ST Nov 25, 2004
Hats off to an admirable state
By Lin Bao Ling
SOMETIMES, I must take my hat off to Singapore. As I say this, I am in central-northern Malaysia. So, I do not have the love-hate feelings about Singapore I would have if I were in Johor Baru, which is a strip of water away from the Republic. But like 'Federation people', as we are known to Singaporeans, I am both envious and jealous of our small but rich neighbouring state.
The Republic is a truly amazing country and its government is remarkable. But even as I say this, I still think that Singapore is too modernised and orderly, lacking freedom, imagination and creativity. And I still feel contemptuous of Mr Lee Kuan Yew's policy on Chinese education in the past.
But I have always admired Singapore for its determination to advance towards the goal it has set for itself without being bothered by what other countries think. Such an attitude, which is neither overbearing nor servile, has propelled the country from a tiny barren island to become one of the Asian dragons.
I feel many Third World and developing countries require 'iron-fist' rule, because of their low levels of education and civic consciousness.
But I also think that Mr Lee is a most outstanding and clever 'dictator'. He built a development track for Singapore and it went on to pursue its dream of becoming a modern city and free port, dumping Chinese education and most of the culture and the arts.
Reality proves that he has succeeded. While others are judging his successes and failures, and even as the disputes with Malaysia go on, Singapore stands tall, delivering a sterling performance in efficiency, non-corruptibility and law and order.
Mr Lee chose to emphasise science and commercial subjects for Singapore schools, for practical reasons, and de-emphasise languages other than English, in the process resulting in the closure of the Nanyang University.
However, what I find most admirable about Singapore is not its success but its approach in dealing with mistakes. In the eyes of many people, Mr Lee is not a charming leader. But he is serious in admitting, as he does now, that it was a mistake to give up on Chinese education.
Immediately after his remark, Singapore implemented plans to reform the teaching of the Chinese language in schools, and to introduce the 'Recognise First, Write Later' way of teaching.
This is yet another example of the government's efficiency. It will not make policy changes
overnight. But once it is determined to do something, it will carry through with it and results will show very quickly.
This is the reason why many Malaysians are afraid of Singapore. Based on objective circumstances, we should have done better than Singapore, but we have not. So whenever foreigners give Singapore bad reviews, or low scores on press freedom, or for being too modernised and orderly, we cannot help but feel gleeful.
Even as Singapore moves fast on Chinese education, many Malaysian Chinese still snort in contempt, saying that even if Singapore were to revive Chinese education, the materialistic place would not produce any Chinese literati.
Responding to such criticisms, Singaporeans will shrug them off with a smile and a 'so what?'. It irks you but you have to take your hat off to it.
I guess as I ramble on, Singapore has taken another stride forward.
-- This commentary, translated from Mandarin, appeared in Malaysia's Sin Chew Daily last Saturday.
ST Nov 25, 2004
Hats off to an admirable state
By Lin Bao Ling
SOMETIMES, I must take my hat off to Singapore. As I say this, I am in central-northern Malaysia. So, I do not have the love-hate feelings about Singapore I would have if I were in Johor Baru, which is a strip of water away from the Republic. But like 'Federation people', as we are known to Singaporeans, I am both envious and jealous of our small but rich neighbouring state.
The Republic is a truly amazing country and its government is remarkable. But even as I say this, I still think that Singapore is too modernised and orderly, lacking freedom, imagination and creativity. And I still feel contemptuous of Mr Lee Kuan Yew's policy on Chinese education in the past.
But I have always admired Singapore for its determination to advance towards the goal it has set for itself without being bothered by what other countries think. Such an attitude, which is neither overbearing nor servile, has propelled the country from a tiny barren island to become one of the Asian dragons.
I feel many Third World and developing countries require 'iron-fist' rule, because of their low levels of education and civic consciousness.
But I also think that Mr Lee is a most outstanding and clever 'dictator'. He built a development track for Singapore and it went on to pursue its dream of becoming a modern city and free port, dumping Chinese education and most of the culture and the arts.
Reality proves that he has succeeded. While others are judging his successes and failures, and even as the disputes with Malaysia go on, Singapore stands tall, delivering a sterling performance in efficiency, non-corruptibility and law and order.
Mr Lee chose to emphasise science and commercial subjects for Singapore schools, for practical reasons, and de-emphasise languages other than English, in the process resulting in the closure of the Nanyang University.
However, what I find most admirable about Singapore is not its success but its approach in dealing with mistakes. In the eyes of many people, Mr Lee is not a charming leader. But he is serious in admitting, as he does now, that it was a mistake to give up on Chinese education.
Immediately after his remark, Singapore implemented plans to reform the teaching of the Chinese language in schools, and to introduce the 'Recognise First, Write Later' way of teaching.
This is yet another example of the government's efficiency. It will not make policy changes
overnight. But once it is determined to do something, it will carry through with it and results will show very quickly.
This is the reason why many Malaysians are afraid of Singapore. Based on objective circumstances, we should have done better than Singapore, but we have not. So whenever foreigners give Singapore bad reviews, or low scores on press freedom, or for being too modernised and orderly, we cannot help but feel gleeful.
Even as Singapore moves fast on Chinese education, many Malaysian Chinese still snort in contempt, saying that even if Singapore were to revive Chinese education, the materialistic place would not produce any Chinese literati.
Responding to such criticisms, Singaporeans will shrug them off with a smile and a 'so what?'. It irks you but you have to take your hat off to it.
I guess as I ramble on, Singapore has taken another stride forward.
-- This commentary, translated from Mandarin, appeared in Malaysia's Sin Chew Daily last Saturday.
abortion.....
was sort o talking abt tis topic wif my colleagues ytd......
i dun support abortion & i certainly wld never do it myself.....however i don't impose my objection o abortion on any other persons.....i believe tt every life conceived is a gift & it shldn't b taken away so easily.....
my colleague asked: "wat if u know tt e child is gg 2 b disabled or will never b a normal child, wld u abort it? can u imagine all e difficulties e child will have 2 face?"
my ans 2 tt is, if it's my child i will not abort it. if it's smebody else they 've 2 make their own judgements.....
i used 2 strongly support abortion becos i tink tt if u r not prepared 2 've a child then dun give birth 2 him/her cos u'll bring more harm 2 e child....
i changed my mind cos i had a dream.....in it, i was pregnant, & 4 sme reasons i had 2 abort it......till now i can still feel e heartache o aborting e child......it's juz a dream but i was so heart broken tt i cld never ever 've e courage 2 abort......
another story tt reinforced my conviction against abortion is that down-syndrome girl who made it thro' university.....i dun remember her name or her parents' name but e father used to be a big shoot in s'pore.....e story was in sunday times quite long ago.....
as long as u dun give up, tt's nothing impossible in e world!!!!
so no matter if e child is normal or not, she/he is a gift 2 u & they have every rite 2 b alive & born into tis world.....although e world is not perfect, she/he still deserves a change to know it!!!!
i dun support abortion & i certainly wld never do it myself.....however i don't impose my objection o abortion on any other persons.....i believe tt every life conceived is a gift & it shldn't b taken away so easily.....
my colleague asked: "wat if u know tt e child is gg 2 b disabled or will never b a normal child, wld u abort it? can u imagine all e difficulties e child will have 2 face?"
my ans 2 tt is, if it's my child i will not abort it. if it's smebody else they 've 2 make their own judgements.....
i used 2 strongly support abortion becos i tink tt if u r not prepared 2 've a child then dun give birth 2 him/her cos u'll bring more harm 2 e child....
i changed my mind cos i had a dream.....in it, i was pregnant, & 4 sme reasons i had 2 abort it......till now i can still feel e heartache o aborting e child......it's juz a dream but i was so heart broken tt i cld never ever 've e courage 2 abort......
another story tt reinforced my conviction against abortion is that down-syndrome girl who made it thro' university.....i dun remember her name or her parents' name but e father used to be a big shoot in s'pore.....e story was in sunday times quite long ago.....
as long as u dun give up, tt's nothing impossible in e world!!!!
so no matter if e child is normal or not, she/he is a gift 2 u & they have every rite 2 b alive & born into tis world.....although e world is not perfect, she/he still deserves a change to know it!!!!
ST Nov 25, 2004
Chilling e-mail by teen who fell to death
Worried by falling grades and parents' rows, she poured her heart out to unknown teacher
By Chong Chee Kin
PLAGUED by troubles in school and at home, a 16-year-old poured her heart out in an e-mail to a teacher, whom she addressed only as 'Mrs Tay'.
The teen was worried about sliding grades eroding her status at school and was troubled by her parents' frequent quarrels.
She also felt her nine-year-old brother was being favoured over her.
On Oct 6 last year, she fell to her death from Block 209, Toa Payoh North, after sneaking out of school during recess.
The previous month, she had been sent to see a counsellor, who did not detect any suicidal tendencies.
She had been sent by her form teacher, who was concerned after the teen asked if any student from her school had ever 'committed suicide after receiving examination results'.
Yesterday, at the start of the inquest into her death, the court ordered the media not to publish any information that would lead to the girl's identification.
Her family was not present at the inquiry when the court was shown a copy of the e-mail sent to Mrs Tay.
The copy was retrieved from her computer system after her death.
It was not mentioned yesterday when the e-mail was sent and the mysterious teacher has also not been tracked down.
Questioned by State Coroner Malcolm Tan, police staff sergeant Sivakumar Packrisamy said the police had been unable to find out who Mrs Tay was.
About her parents' bickering, the girl had written: 'They quarrel, not because they don't love each other, but because they love to quarrel.
'So what if I have a perfect roof over my head? It's shattered inwardly.'
She also wrote about her unhappiness that her father favoured her younger brother, giving him money to buy 'unnecessary things'.
'Even my brother suggests I die early,' she complained.
In school, she was bothered that she was not 'as popular' as before because of her academic performance.
She wrote of what she had read about how war and the Sars virus caused many to die.
'Is God waiting for us to die?' ran her chilling words.
'All of us will die one day... If we are a pest to others, we should die.'
The hearing has been adjourned until Jan 7 next year.
Call for help
Samaritans of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 or e-mail pat@samaritans.org.sg
Family Service Centre: 1800-838-0100
Care Corner Mandarin Counselling Centre: 1800-353-5800
Sage helpline: 1800-353-8633
Touchline (Touch Youth Service): 1800-377-2252
How sad......e parents dun even know y their kid committ suicide.....how many times have a parent really tot abt wat their kid 1 & wat they r doing 2 e kid????
I was on my way 2 work tis morn on e mrt, & tis granny was talking so loudly....she was letting every1 know how naughty her grandchild was & tt she 1ed her 2 change tt's y she's scolding her in public.....e little girl (at most 7 yrs old) was visibly unhappy abt being talked abt in public.....e granny was gg on & on abt how she 1s e gd 4 e child & tt if she's naughty she's gg 2 send her 2 a home then she'll realise how fortunate she was.....granny went on & on abt how she was trying very hard 2 talk sense into e little girl but in my opinion she was not talking much sense!!!!
i cannot judge e granny on whether her method o parenting is rite or wrong cos i'm not a parent i can never understd how taxing & stressful it is 2 bring up a child.....however, i tink e most basic thing tt any parent shld 've is 2 respect e child.....e child has pride 2......
is such verbal threat (sending e child 2 a home if she's naughty; another threat she made was tt when granny die, she's gg 2 tell god tt e child was naughty & let god punish e little girl) child abuse???? does it not have n impact on e child's emotional well-being????
i kind o feel sad 4 e little girl but i dunno e whole story behind how naughty e child has been.....thus i can only say, parents pls treat ur child as an indv, not as ur property.......
Chilling e-mail by teen who fell to death
Worried by falling grades and parents' rows, she poured her heart out to unknown teacher
By Chong Chee Kin
PLAGUED by troubles in school and at home, a 16-year-old poured her heart out in an e-mail to a teacher, whom she addressed only as 'Mrs Tay'.
The teen was worried about sliding grades eroding her status at school and was troubled by her parents' frequent quarrels.
She also felt her nine-year-old brother was being favoured over her.
On Oct 6 last year, she fell to her death from Block 209, Toa Payoh North, after sneaking out of school during recess.
The previous month, she had been sent to see a counsellor, who did not detect any suicidal tendencies.
She had been sent by her form teacher, who was concerned after the teen asked if any student from her school had ever 'committed suicide after receiving examination results'.
Yesterday, at the start of the inquest into her death, the court ordered the media not to publish any information that would lead to the girl's identification.
Her family was not present at the inquiry when the court was shown a copy of the e-mail sent to Mrs Tay.
The copy was retrieved from her computer system after her death.
It was not mentioned yesterday when the e-mail was sent and the mysterious teacher has also not been tracked down.
Questioned by State Coroner Malcolm Tan, police staff sergeant Sivakumar Packrisamy said the police had been unable to find out who Mrs Tay was.
About her parents' bickering, the girl had written: 'They quarrel, not because they don't love each other, but because they love to quarrel.
'So what if I have a perfect roof over my head? It's shattered inwardly.'
She also wrote about her unhappiness that her father favoured her younger brother, giving him money to buy 'unnecessary things'.
'Even my brother suggests I die early,' she complained.
In school, she was bothered that she was not 'as popular' as before because of her academic performance.
She wrote of what she had read about how war and the Sars virus caused many to die.
'Is God waiting for us to die?' ran her chilling words.
'All of us will die one day... If we are a pest to others, we should die.'
The hearing has been adjourned until Jan 7 next year.
Call for help
Samaritans of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 or e-mail pat@samaritans.org.sg
Family Service Centre: 1800-838-0100
Care Corner Mandarin Counselling Centre: 1800-353-5800
Sage helpline: 1800-353-8633
Touchline (Touch Youth Service): 1800-377-2252
How sad......e parents dun even know y their kid committ suicide.....how many times have a parent really tot abt wat their kid 1 & wat they r doing 2 e kid????
I was on my way 2 work tis morn on e mrt, & tis granny was talking so loudly....she was letting every1 know how naughty her grandchild was & tt she 1ed her 2 change tt's y she's scolding her in public.....e little girl (at most 7 yrs old) was visibly unhappy abt being talked abt in public.....e granny was gg on & on abt how she 1s e gd 4 e child & tt if she's naughty she's gg 2 send her 2 a home then she'll realise how fortunate she was.....granny went on & on abt how she was trying very hard 2 talk sense into e little girl but in my opinion she was not talking much sense!!!!
i cannot judge e granny on whether her method o parenting is rite or wrong cos i'm not a parent i can never understd how taxing & stressful it is 2 bring up a child.....however, i tink e most basic thing tt any parent shld 've is 2 respect e child.....e child has pride 2......
is such verbal threat (sending e child 2 a home if she's naughty; another threat she made was tt when granny die, she's gg 2 tell god tt e child was naughty & let god punish e little girl) child abuse???? does it not have n impact on e child's emotional well-being????
i kind o feel sad 4 e little girl but i dunno e whole story behind how naughty e child has been.....thus i can only say, parents pls treat ur child as an indv, not as ur property.......
Monday, November 22, 2004
've u ever wondered....
've u ever wondered if every1's borned kind or evil??????? i certainly hope it's e former or at least b borned neutral............i believe every1's gd at heart but it really makes me wonder y pple do harm 2 others......haizzzzzz.....
men r weak....
ST 2004.11.21
Lament of Miss Spinster: 'No one wants to date me'
BANGKOK
THE telephone does not ring any more. Since she won a beauty contest last year, this pretty, high-spirited, sociable woman cannot seem to get a date.
'They are afraid of me,' said the beauty queen, Miss Saovapa Devahastin. 'I've stood up for myself. I'm a confident, successful single woman, strong enough to take care of myself. This makes them nervous.'
Miss Saovapa is not just any beauty queen. She is Thailand's first Miss Spinster, a title that sounds as odd here as anywhere, but that in this male-dominated society amounts to a declaration of independence.
Unmarried by choice, Miss Saovapa, 38, and a growing number of successful professional women like her are challenging not only the traditional imperative of marriage and family, but also what they see as the delicate egos of Thai men.
'Sometimes they like to tease me,' she said. They say she is too choosy and too proud. But they keep their nervous distance. They are not sure how to behave around a woman who does not seem to need them.
'I think this idea of being independent and being your own person maybe overpowers them,' said Miss Saovapa, who works as a media planner in her brother's advertising agency and is studying for a master's degree in advertising and public relations.
'But at the same time, there are lots of women, lots of people, who admire what I'm doing and what I represent.'
The male ego may be delicate, but it is resilient.
When the Miss Spinster Thailand contest was announced early last year, men sent messages to its website offering to come to the rescue of the contestants.
'Right at the start, some of them got my phone number and they called me,' Miss Saovapa said.
'But they weren't asking for a date. They wanted me to be their secret mistress and let them take care of me.
'They said, 'You don't need to go on the contest. You don't need to stand up and say you're a spinster. I'll provide for your comfort'. It was crazy. They thought we were showing off our looks because we were desperate to find a man.'
The contestants, who wore evening dresses and answered questions from judges, included a marketing manager, a university associate professor, an entrepreneur, a senior officer at an aeronautical radio enterprise, a former volleyball champion, a sports equipment saleswoman and a souvenir shop owner who is a cousin of Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra.
They represent a growing urban middle class in which personal choice is replacing the hierarchies of family and community that bound traditional society. The patterns of change are not unlike those in other countries.
Not long after Miss Saovapa won her crown, the Thai Constitutional Court ruled that married women had the option of keeping their own surnames.
Indeed, the organisers of the beauty pageant remained somewhat hidebound in their definition of a spinster. The contest was for unmarried women as young as 28.
Even in this time of change, the family holds a core place in the lives of many people such as Miss Saovapa. Before entering the contest, she said, she sought the approval of her father.
'He was a bit old fashioned and I was afraid to ask his opinion. Then he said, 'Why not', and he helped coach me for the contest. That was wonderful.' -- New York Times
Lament of Miss Spinster: 'No one wants to date me'
BANGKOK
THE telephone does not ring any more. Since she won a beauty contest last year, this pretty, high-spirited, sociable woman cannot seem to get a date.
'They are afraid of me,' said the beauty queen, Miss Saovapa Devahastin. 'I've stood up for myself. I'm a confident, successful single woman, strong enough to take care of myself. This makes them nervous.'
Miss Saovapa is not just any beauty queen. She is Thailand's first Miss Spinster, a title that sounds as odd here as anywhere, but that in this male-dominated society amounts to a declaration of independence.
Unmarried by choice, Miss Saovapa, 38, and a growing number of successful professional women like her are challenging not only the traditional imperative of marriage and family, but also what they see as the delicate egos of Thai men.
'Sometimes they like to tease me,' she said. They say she is too choosy and too proud. But they keep their nervous distance. They are not sure how to behave around a woman who does not seem to need them.
'I think this idea of being independent and being your own person maybe overpowers them,' said Miss Saovapa, who works as a media planner in her brother's advertising agency and is studying for a master's degree in advertising and public relations.
'But at the same time, there are lots of women, lots of people, who admire what I'm doing and what I represent.'
The male ego may be delicate, but it is resilient.
When the Miss Spinster Thailand contest was announced early last year, men sent messages to its website offering to come to the rescue of the contestants.
'Right at the start, some of them got my phone number and they called me,' Miss Saovapa said.
'But they weren't asking for a date. They wanted me to be their secret mistress and let them take care of me.
'They said, 'You don't need to go on the contest. You don't need to stand up and say you're a spinster. I'll provide for your comfort'. It was crazy. They thought we were showing off our looks because we were desperate to find a man.'
The contestants, who wore evening dresses and answered questions from judges, included a marketing manager, a university associate professor, an entrepreneur, a senior officer at an aeronautical radio enterprise, a former volleyball champion, a sports equipment saleswoman and a souvenir shop owner who is a cousin of Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra.
They represent a growing urban middle class in which personal choice is replacing the hierarchies of family and community that bound traditional society. The patterns of change are not unlike those in other countries.
Not long after Miss Saovapa won her crown, the Thai Constitutional Court ruled that married women had the option of keeping their own surnames.
Indeed, the organisers of the beauty pageant remained somewhat hidebound in their definition of a spinster. The contest was for unmarried women as young as 28.
Even in this time of change, the family holds a core place in the lives of many people such as Miss Saovapa. Before entering the contest, she said, she sought the approval of her father.
'He was a bit old fashioned and I was afraid to ask his opinion. Then he said, 'Why not', and he helped coach me for the contest. That was wonderful.' -- New York Times
22nd river regatta 2004....
it was over in under 3mins......exciting, bruises all over, wet, dizzy...... felt like vomiting e min i finish rowing.....got worst when kj & ks turned me upside down, not once not twice but thrice....i tink tt's how i got e super ugly & painfully bruise on my thigh.....saw e finals ytd, not as exciting as when u r rowing o cos......& it was a rainy day......quite unlike e day tt we rowed......dunno wat i'm gg 2 do on suns now tt dragonboat is on break......mayb i shld start picking up & start looking at my heart & mind......
i saw him but i let him go...
i saw him ytd.....but i let him slipped away again......everytime i promised myself tt i'll say hi but i didn't....i juz let him walked passed......he didn't even c me i tink.....i tink my heart didn't skipped a beat when i saw him.....has it changed???? but now tinking abt it my heart aches a little....y didn't i say hi.......
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
how do u move on.....
ST Nov 13 2004
Life after death
Huang Na is dead. But the nightmare will stay forever with her family as well as that of Took Leng How, the man charged with her murder
By Ong Soh Chin
IN THE last month or so, the country stood still as a nationwide search went on for Huang Na, the eight-year-old girl who went missing.
I, too, was riveted. And when her body was eventually found, I felt sick to my stomach.
Apart from the obvious heartbreak element of a missing child found dead, Singaporeans also bonded over the shared sense of horror that there could be a child killer among us.
One can barely imagine the horrifying sequence of events that led to Huang Na's body being discovered naked and decomposed in a cardboard box thrown into the undergrowth at Telok Blangah Hill.
My heart goes out to her mother. I can't even begin to comprehend her grief.
But at the same time, my heart also goes out to the parents of Took Leng How, the 22-year-old vegetable packer who has been arrested and charged with the crime.
While it is devastating to lose a child to horrible circumstances, it must be just as unbearable to realise that one's own child could have inflicted such a horror.
While watching the Huang Na case unfold, I have been moved by the reactions of Took's parents.
Simple folk who run a fried kway teow stall in Simpang Ampat in Penang, they have seen their business suffer as a result of the incident.
Said Mr Took, 52, in a press report: 'Some customers even point and whisper, but it's just something we have to bear.'
He also said he is not sure if he will be able to afford a good lawyer for his son.
The Tooks have two other sons, aged 23 and 20, and a daughter, 19.
When he and his wife came to Singapore by bus from Penang to attend the hearing, they had to apply for passports, indicating that they had probably never stepped out of Malaysia before, not even to neighbouring Singapore.
Mr Took wanted to go to Huang Na's wake at Clementi to talk to the girl's parents, but was advised against it by a relative.
Instead he went to the Singapore Buddhist Lodge and prayed at Huang Na's altar, asking for her forgiveness and for her to rest in peace.
He said: 'I know there are many reporters and many people at Clementi. We're from a small town. Our knowledge isn't wide. We won't know how to respond to that sort of spectacle.'
Indeed, how does one respond?
The monumental reevaluation and consolidation that Took's family must now face reminds me of Mikal Gilmore's book, Shot In The Heart.
Gilmore, a music journalist with Rolling Stone, is the youngest brother of Gary Gilmore, the infamous American killer who murdered two men and who was subsequently sentenced to death in 1977.
In 1979, he became the subject of Norman Mailer's Pulitzer Prize-winning The Executioner's Song.
But it is Mikal's 1994 book which is the more compelling of the two, simply because it is written from an insider's point of view.
As much as it is about his brother, it is also about the author's attempt to make sense of his own life - how he managed to escape his brother's horrible fate, even though they are flesh and blood.
It is a brave book, heart-rending at some parts, chilling at others, in which Mikal painfully peels off the layers of his troubled family history to reveal the awful truth at the centre.
When something this horrible happens, it is all too easy to blame ourselves. No doubt Huang Na's mother will find it hard to forgive herself for leaving her daughter alone here while she left for China.
But, really, many of us leave our kids in the care of trusted friends and family members, without a second thought.
If he is found guilty, Took's parents, too, must be wondering if somewhere along the line, they had done something wrong to their child, something that could have triggered off his actions.
They must also be wondering if they really knew their son.
And his wife, who now has to look after their young son alone, must agonise over whether she really knew her husband and whether their son, who is 14 months old, has inherited his father's secret genes.
These are private hells that every individual prays he or she will never have to go through.
The dead die, and they are gone.
But it is those who are alive that must make sense of the devastation.
Mr Took told the press he wanted to speak to his son again: 'I just wish to ask him two questions to dispel the doubt in my heart - 'Did you do harm to people?' No matter what his answer is, I will also ask him, 'Is it true or false?'.'
I don't know if he ever got his answer. But I want to tell him that maybe the answer is not so important.
When reviewing Shot In The Heart, New York Times reviewer Kathryn Harrison wrote: 'Mikal Gilmore's triumph is that he pushes his readers beyond being helplessly enthralled witnesses to the point where, with him, we might consider not only that violence and evil do exist within the limits of predictable human behaviour, but that there is evidence of another equally mysterious force, which some of us would call grace.'
Sifting truth from lie is only part of the dark journey. Indeed it was Mikal's. But at the end of the day, there will be questions that will forever remain unanswered. And circumstances can only be blamed to a certain extent.
As Mikal so poignantly showed in his book, the end of the tunnel can only be reached through acceptance and the belief that there is hope still in humanity and in one's soul.
I cannot pretend to understand the suffering of the families of Huang Na and Took Leng How.
But I hope that in this dark period, they can eventually find in their hearts the grace to move on with their lives, and the ability to not only forgive others, but also themselves.
(totally agree wif e following article....hehehe...)
ST Nov 15, 2004
Women are more generous than men
Sorry to say this, guys, but I realised that when I went fund-raising in the business district recently
By Pradeep Paul
AS BEFITTING the name of this column, here is another take on the gender divide.
Only, instead of pointing out yet another female quirk or oddity - yes, I'm brave, and yes, I'm not very bright - I'm doffing my hat to the women of Singapore.
They are definitely more charitable and generous than their male counterparts.
The reason for this stroke of revelation? No, it's not my kindly colleague who threatens to poison me with her cooking.
It was a couple of hours of pan-handling in the business district.
Last month, my editor led a team of Straits Times employees to Raffles Place on a mission.
Armed with nothing more than uniform T-shirts and our smiles, we were there to raise funds for The Straits Times Pocket Money Fund.
And we were to do it by accosting strangers as they scurried about on their lunch break and sticking a collection tin in their faces.
Accompanied by some employees of Caltex, which threw in cute soft toys and sweets as a form of rewarding the generous, we fanned out.
Some headed for the MRT exits. After all, a steady stream of commuters would yield some donations.
Others swarmed around the foot of Caltex House.
Some used their charm.
The pretty women just had to stand with the tin in their hand and smile. Men walked up to them with money in their hand.
One of us - she threatened me with bodily harm if I named her - used psychology.
Zeroing in on office workers who looked like they had just had a hearty meal, she asked if they'd had a good lunch. She asked them what they had eaten. And then sucker-punched them with an emotionally charged line about how some schoolchildren do not have lunch because their parents cannot afford to give them pocket money.
Seeing the competition, I decided to wander down Change Alley and try my luck there.
Flashing my biggest smile and holding up the tin that was labelled with the name of the charity, I walked up to people and asked if they'd like to donate some money.
And it was a revealing experience.
Some people stopped as I approached them, even if they were deep in conversation with friends.
They looked at the tin. They listened as I spouted: 'Good afternoon, I'm from The Straits Times and we're collecting money for children whose parents can't afford to give them pocket money.'
And they dipped into their wallets readily.
Others would smile, hear me out, shake their head in a form of apology and carry on.
And then there were some - was it coincidence that all of them were in high-powered corporate gear and reeked of money? - who walked by me like I didn't exist.
There I was, smile on high and starting to say 'Good afternoon, I'm fro...' when I realised I was talking to myself. The person had sidestepped me like a rugby winger in full flight and kept going.
Now, I'm not saying these are stingy people. They probably give more to charity in other ways than what you and I earn in a month.
But what about the basic courtesy of acknowledging a fellow human being who approaches you on the street?
Hey, it was broad daylight and all I was packing was a smile, a tin and some cute soft toys.
p Sure, collection drives are a dime-a-dozen in these tough times. Sure, there are post-lunch meetings that beckon. But what about basic courtesy?
Guess they don't teach that in the school of big bucks.
Oh, did I mention that all these types that I met - however briefly - were men?
Most of the women I approached that day at least heard me out. They gave me a minute of their time, even smiled.
Some confessed they had never heard of the Pocket Money Fund but, when told that it was for school kids who could not afford to buy themselves a curry puff at recess, readily pulled out a couple of bucks.
Others said they knew about the Fund and slotted $10 notes into the tin. Some generous women even donated $50.
In fact, by the second hour, I had even mastered the art of spotting the 'donators'.
Too young, no point. They had limited allowances and too many things to buy.
Too old, not much point. They had their own survival on their minds.
It was the Mums and soon-to-be-Mums who seemed to be guided by maternal pangs when they pheard about hungry children. They gave willingly of their money, their time and their smiles.
By the time we got into the bus to head back to the office, I had learnt a lesson in human behaviour. And it didn't give my gender very high marks. Clothes may make the man, but they certainly don't complete him.
So, there you have it: I admit women are more generous and more courteous than men.
Although to this day I'm not sure if the women dug into their handbags because of their innate generosity or the cute soft toy that I traded for a donation.
Life after death
Huang Na is dead. But the nightmare will stay forever with her family as well as that of Took Leng How, the man charged with her murder
By Ong Soh Chin
IN THE last month or so, the country stood still as a nationwide search went on for Huang Na, the eight-year-old girl who went missing.
I, too, was riveted. And when her body was eventually found, I felt sick to my stomach.
Apart from the obvious heartbreak element of a missing child found dead, Singaporeans also bonded over the shared sense of horror that there could be a child killer among us.
One can barely imagine the horrifying sequence of events that led to Huang Na's body being discovered naked and decomposed in a cardboard box thrown into the undergrowth at Telok Blangah Hill.
My heart goes out to her mother. I can't even begin to comprehend her grief.
But at the same time, my heart also goes out to the parents of Took Leng How, the 22-year-old vegetable packer who has been arrested and charged with the crime.
While it is devastating to lose a child to horrible circumstances, it must be just as unbearable to realise that one's own child could have inflicted such a horror.
While watching the Huang Na case unfold, I have been moved by the reactions of Took's parents.
Simple folk who run a fried kway teow stall in Simpang Ampat in Penang, they have seen their business suffer as a result of the incident.
Said Mr Took, 52, in a press report: 'Some customers even point and whisper, but it's just something we have to bear.'
He also said he is not sure if he will be able to afford a good lawyer for his son.
The Tooks have two other sons, aged 23 and 20, and a daughter, 19.
When he and his wife came to Singapore by bus from Penang to attend the hearing, they had to apply for passports, indicating that they had probably never stepped out of Malaysia before, not even to neighbouring Singapore.
Mr Took wanted to go to Huang Na's wake at Clementi to talk to the girl's parents, but was advised against it by a relative.
Instead he went to the Singapore Buddhist Lodge and prayed at Huang Na's altar, asking for her forgiveness and for her to rest in peace.
He said: 'I know there are many reporters and many people at Clementi. We're from a small town. Our knowledge isn't wide. We won't know how to respond to that sort of spectacle.'
Indeed, how does one respond?
The monumental reevaluation and consolidation that Took's family must now face reminds me of Mikal Gilmore's book, Shot In The Heart.
Gilmore, a music journalist with Rolling Stone, is the youngest brother of Gary Gilmore, the infamous American killer who murdered two men and who was subsequently sentenced to death in 1977.
In 1979, he became the subject of Norman Mailer's Pulitzer Prize-winning The Executioner's Song.
But it is Mikal's 1994 book which is the more compelling of the two, simply because it is written from an insider's point of view.
As much as it is about his brother, it is also about the author's attempt to make sense of his own life - how he managed to escape his brother's horrible fate, even though they are flesh and blood.
It is a brave book, heart-rending at some parts, chilling at others, in which Mikal painfully peels off the layers of his troubled family history to reveal the awful truth at the centre.
When something this horrible happens, it is all too easy to blame ourselves. No doubt Huang Na's mother will find it hard to forgive herself for leaving her daughter alone here while she left for China.
But, really, many of us leave our kids in the care of trusted friends and family members, without a second thought.
If he is found guilty, Took's parents, too, must be wondering if somewhere along the line, they had done something wrong to their child, something that could have triggered off his actions.
They must also be wondering if they really knew their son.
And his wife, who now has to look after their young son alone, must agonise over whether she really knew her husband and whether their son, who is 14 months old, has inherited his father's secret genes.
These are private hells that every individual prays he or she will never have to go through.
The dead die, and they are gone.
But it is those who are alive that must make sense of the devastation.
Mr Took told the press he wanted to speak to his son again: 'I just wish to ask him two questions to dispel the doubt in my heart - 'Did you do harm to people?' No matter what his answer is, I will also ask him, 'Is it true or false?'.'
I don't know if he ever got his answer. But I want to tell him that maybe the answer is not so important.
When reviewing Shot In The Heart, New York Times reviewer Kathryn Harrison wrote: 'Mikal Gilmore's triumph is that he pushes his readers beyond being helplessly enthralled witnesses to the point where, with him, we might consider not only that violence and evil do exist within the limits of predictable human behaviour, but that there is evidence of another equally mysterious force, which some of us would call grace.'
Sifting truth from lie is only part of the dark journey. Indeed it was Mikal's. But at the end of the day, there will be questions that will forever remain unanswered. And circumstances can only be blamed to a certain extent.
As Mikal so poignantly showed in his book, the end of the tunnel can only be reached through acceptance and the belief that there is hope still in humanity and in one's soul.
I cannot pretend to understand the suffering of the families of Huang Na and Took Leng How.
But I hope that in this dark period, they can eventually find in their hearts the grace to move on with their lives, and the ability to not only forgive others, but also themselves.
(totally agree wif e following article....hehehe...)
ST Nov 15, 2004
Women are more generous than men
Sorry to say this, guys, but I realised that when I went fund-raising in the business district recently
By Pradeep Paul
AS BEFITTING the name of this column, here is another take on the gender divide.
Only, instead of pointing out yet another female quirk or oddity - yes, I'm brave, and yes, I'm not very bright - I'm doffing my hat to the women of Singapore.
They are definitely more charitable and generous than their male counterparts.
The reason for this stroke of revelation? No, it's not my kindly colleague who threatens to poison me with her cooking.
It was a couple of hours of pan-handling in the business district.
Last month, my editor led a team of Straits Times employees to Raffles Place on a mission.
Armed with nothing more than uniform T-shirts and our smiles, we were there to raise funds for The Straits Times Pocket Money Fund.
And we were to do it by accosting strangers as they scurried about on their lunch break and sticking a collection tin in their faces.
Accompanied by some employees of Caltex, which threw in cute soft toys and sweets as a form of rewarding the generous, we fanned out.
Some headed for the MRT exits. After all, a steady stream of commuters would yield some donations.
Others swarmed around the foot of Caltex House.
Some used their charm.
The pretty women just had to stand with the tin in their hand and smile. Men walked up to them with money in their hand.
One of us - she threatened me with bodily harm if I named her - used psychology.
Zeroing in on office workers who looked like they had just had a hearty meal, she asked if they'd had a good lunch. She asked them what they had eaten. And then sucker-punched them with an emotionally charged line about how some schoolchildren do not have lunch because their parents cannot afford to give them pocket money.
Seeing the competition, I decided to wander down Change Alley and try my luck there.
Flashing my biggest smile and holding up the tin that was labelled with the name of the charity, I walked up to people and asked if they'd like to donate some money.
And it was a revealing experience.
Some people stopped as I approached them, even if they were deep in conversation with friends.
They looked at the tin. They listened as I spouted: 'Good afternoon, I'm from The Straits Times and we're collecting money for children whose parents can't afford to give them pocket money.'
And they dipped into their wallets readily.
Others would smile, hear me out, shake their head in a form of apology and carry on.
And then there were some - was it coincidence that all of them were in high-powered corporate gear and reeked of money? - who walked by me like I didn't exist.
There I was, smile on high and starting to say 'Good afternoon, I'm fro...' when I realised I was talking to myself. The person had sidestepped me like a rugby winger in full flight and kept going.
Now, I'm not saying these are stingy people. They probably give more to charity in other ways than what you and I earn in a month.
But what about the basic courtesy of acknowledging a fellow human being who approaches you on the street?
Hey, it was broad daylight and all I was packing was a smile, a tin and some cute soft toys.
p Sure, collection drives are a dime-a-dozen in these tough times. Sure, there are post-lunch meetings that beckon. But what about basic courtesy?
Guess they don't teach that in the school of big bucks.
Oh, did I mention that all these types that I met - however briefly - were men?
Most of the women I approached that day at least heard me out. They gave me a minute of their time, even smiled.
Some confessed they had never heard of the Pocket Money Fund but, when told that it was for school kids who could not afford to buy themselves a curry puff at recess, readily pulled out a couple of bucks.
Others said they knew about the Fund and slotted $10 notes into the tin. Some generous women even donated $50.
In fact, by the second hour, I had even mastered the art of spotting the 'donators'.
Too young, no point. They had limited allowances and too many things to buy.
Too old, not much point. They had their own survival on their minds.
It was the Mums and soon-to-be-Mums who seemed to be guided by maternal pangs when they pheard about hungry children. They gave willingly of their money, their time and their smiles.
By the time we got into the bus to head back to the office, I had learnt a lesson in human behaviour. And it didn't give my gender very high marks. Clothes may make the man, but they certainly don't complete him.
So, there you have it: I admit women are more generous and more courteous than men.
Although to this day I'm not sure if the women dug into their handbags because of their innate generosity or the cute soft toy that I traded for a donation.
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