ST Dec 5 2004

Bedroom blues
Marriages break down due to different opinions on sex and parenthood

By Li Xueying

SEX, to graduate student Joyce Tang, is not all it's cracked up to be. After just one year of marriage to her IT engineer husband, she's bored, she said.

'We do it because it's part of love and marriage. But he's usually so tired when he comes home from work.'

According to a Sunday Times survey, just 65 per cent of women, compared to 72 per cent of men, described their sex life with their spouse as 'good'. Also, 67 per cent of women rated their husbands' lovemaking skills as 'good', while 76 per cent of men said the same of their wives.

Evidently, Singaporean couples may share the same bed but not the same views on sex.

Experts such as Dr Wei Siang Yu, Singapore's self-styled Dr Love, said men are more self-absorbed, neglecting the needs of their partners.

The difference in opinions extend to parenthood.

More than 30 per cent of the husbands want three or more kids, compared to just 18 per cent of the women.

This could become a source of marital discord.

Administrative manager Anne Tan, 33, divorced her pilot husband two years ago after four years of marriage, partly because he didn't want any children.

Coincidentally, her new fiance, Mr B. Tan, 34, a sales manager, also divorced his engineer wife of six years for the same reason recently.

'She was very focused on her career, very ambitious,' said Ms Tan. So when she and Mr Tan
met, they 'could understand each other'. They are tying the knot next month.

Psychiatrists say that they see patients whose marriages are in trouble due to differences in opinions about parenthood and sex.

And one key reason is the lack of communication before marriage, leaving issues unresolved.

Said Dr Adrian Wang from the Institute of Mental Health: 'One common complaint from the women is that all the household duties lie with them, while it's very easy for the men to say they want three kids.'

On the flip side, the decision not to have children may lead to problems later in the marriage.

Psychiatrist Brian Yeo said: 'Without children, there is not much glue in the marriage. There is nothing to hold the couples back from drifting apart, especially when men develop a roving eye.

In fact, some will tell their wives that it was their fault they didn't want children and so they can't be blamed for finding mistresses!'

But this does not faze Ms Elaine Koh, 29, a corporate communications officer. She and her husband, Mr Kuek Hai Leng, 31, who works in advertising, have been married for three years.

'My husband thinks that he can convince me in five years that I'd be ready for children. But I don't think I would change. If I have kids, I'd be taking away money that I could have given to my parents or spent on myself.

'My husband will satisfy my emotional needs... I've told him I'll get a puppy and teach it how to say 'Daddy'.'

wat's marriage anyway???? 1 thing tt i'm certain tt i'm diff fr fiona is tt i'm not heading 2wards e path o marriage at least not in e very near future.....it's impt tt a couple has e same view 2wards life....& i congratulate u again snow, on ur finding o a gem in fiona!!!! jan, we've 2 save up 4 a big red ang bao 4 mr snow!!!! broke man.....