is there a contradiction????

when u 1 2 know more does it mean u r not zhi(1) zu(2)??? i try 2 b zhi zu but i 1 more....

"i dun mind standing everyday....out on e corner in e pouring rain....look 4 e girl wif e broken smile....ask her if she 1s 2 stay awhile...."

i dun mind waiting 4 e rite things 2 come along.....but smetimes when u know things r not working ur way or tt things have bec stagnant....shld u std there & wait or shld u do smething??? wat is 2 b zhi zu really???? m i becoming zhi zu by waiting or m i becoming stagnant???? i dunno....

i've returned 2 my un-tinking self again....& i hate tis me.....i dunno.....everytime i tink i grew up a little, i fall bk again....i dunno really.....

i 1 2 work towards a dream but i dunno e dream tt i'm pursuing.....i dunno wat i'm achieving.....do we have 2 recce our own way wherever we go???? i dunno.....i get tired so fast....i've been 2 dependent.....now i can't std on my own feet....

was at my gu(1) po(2)'s place on chu(1) er(4).....i tink she has schizophrenia....i saw her daughter....i tink she has sme mental prob also....i tag along every CNY cos my parents wld go wif me 2 my god-dad''s place which was juz rd e corner b4 we come 2 gu po's.....almost every yr i visit, she was alone at home.....she coughs...& breathes ever so laboriously.....her fake teeth keep falling....which makes her speech quite inaudible.....occasionally she drifts off.....then starts talking 2 "sme1" beside her....my mom's always spook by tis....but i find it rather interesting & wld look & look.....smetimes i really wonder wat she does....wat she's tinking......really makes me wonder.....

tis yr i saw her daughter.....i really felt bad....every yr my dad wld stuff an ang bao 2 gu po.....buy all those tonic stuff.....if my dad didn't visit, gu po wld call!!! she can do normal household chores....but she needs medication 2 stop her hallucination (tis i presume cos dad always ask if e doc gave her medication, if she took her medication etc...)......her daughter was also taking medication.....fr wat i learnt fr my mom, she (i tink i shld address her as biao(3) gu(1)) was ok when she was young (she didn't attend sch at all)....she had kids, i tink 2 daughters & 1 son...e 1st was married, e 2nd earned her way 2 uni & now working, e youngest son juz finished ns shld b working also.....her husband did not allow her 2 stay wif him....i dunno if they divorced but he has another woman who gave him 2 sons.....apparently, he threatened 2 commit suicide once when she refused 2 give him $$$....fr then onwards, her mental state deteriorated....i dunno wat happened...but seeing her...i really wondered if she's happy....she seem 2 b.....she seem not 2 know abt a lot o things.....she recountered her stuff 2 us w/o any angst.....she was still smiling at us as she told us bits & pieces....she difted off smetimes.....finding it hard 2 say sme words or put ideas into words.....leaving my mum trying ever so hard 2 find words 2 fit into her speech.....

i was really sad when i left.....there were 2 other sons living in tt 3 room flat....1, was a widower, his wife commit suicide last yr....i blogged abt it.....she heard things & was i tink mentally stressed...she jumped in e early morning.....he only knew abt her death late at nite......he is presumbably e only soundminded in tt household....e other son, i tink e youngest, was also mentally unsound...he was on medication....i tink he was locked up in imh 4 smetime.....my biao gu even tried 2 matchmake me wif tis younger bro o hers upon knowing tt i was single....my mum was horrified!!! kept saying tt we had blood-relations cannot get married...hhahhaaaa....

it juz seem so sad....every yr i visit gu po......i feel sad.....every yr w/o fail i tink abt it....i always tink tt i shld do smething but i didn't.....i dunno how i can help actually.....maybe fr a stranger's perspective it wld b easier 2 help.....i dunno......it's always hard 2 imagine tt sme1 u r related 2 is in such difficult position.....

2nd time tis yr tt i'm crying.......crying badly......maybe they dun feel tt miserable....they live in a world o their own.....they dunno e reality.....or maybe they live in their own reality.....it's really hard.......

i dunno whether it was a coincidence or wat...during CNY's eve, i boarded e train 2 go meet my friends 4 a swim b4 heading home 4 reunion dinner....i sat beside a caucasian lady....e 1st thing she said was commenting tt i had a beautiful henna on my hand.....

we started chatting...she was sister weldone, fr USA, she was on a missionary trip here in s'pore...we talked abt religion naturally.....she showed me e book o mormom....another testament o jesus.....at e very outstart i told her tt i believe tt there is a supreme being.....tt i believe tt all e religion all teach 1 thing, 2 b good....tt i respect all (almost all) religion....tt i believe in myself.....tt i believe in things i 1 2 believe in only......she agreed....she read a few verses fr e book...telling me tt there is a supreme being & tt different culture choose 2 call it different names....we talked abt religion more then she left me her card.....i appreciated her time in sharing.....i may go look 4 her smeday.....2 make me get in touch wif my spiritual side......my sisters were more dead set agst christianity.....they detest it i may use e word......i dun really believe in e gods tt we pray but as a tradition during CNY, my parents pray & we had 2 light e joss sticks....e only thing i believe in when i pray 2 them is tt they'll bring gd 2 my family & my friend & 2 any1 i know.....

i hope tt all e gods no matter which culture or religion they belong 2, will pls bring gd 2 my gu po....2 my family....2 my friends....2 any1 tt i know....even if it means tt they need 2 take away things fr me....seriously i dun mind....but dun take away my family.....take away my fortune, take away my health, take away my happiness...anything.....cos w/o my family & friends i doubt i'll b wat i m2day....i pray.......wif my heart & soul tt pls let peace b wif every1.....even if it's 4 juz 1 moment.....

all e happenings in e past day really got me tinking.....i was so happy at little little things...so sad at little little things....but i'm so tired now......i 1 2 tink more but i dun 1 2 at e same time....i've problem being insomniac.....it's gd actually.....i hope i dun ever have insomnia.....pls.....