ST Feb 14, 2005

GROWING PAINS
Put aside gender circus
Forget about gender stereotypes for now. There's no time like the present when it comes to love By Estelle Chan

TWO of my closest friends recently declared their affection for each other after a friendship that has been two years in the making.

Even though it was an open secret that they'd harboured soft spots for each other for months, it was still a pretty hilarious show when they both started to awkwardly waltz around their new relationship.

Ah, the thrills of new love.

But then, in a matter of weeks, it descended into a struggle of the sexes.

She, whom I shall call Steph, suddenly refused to initiate conversations over the phone, nor would she be the first one to text-message him. This, after months of heart-to-heart phone sessions late into the night.

'I'm the girl! Why should I make the first move?' she would exclaim, to my utter exasperation.

He, Eric, on the other hand, got cold feet. He was doing his national service, and they were both due to study overseas (in different countries), and he declared that a long-distance relationship was unfeasible.

We surmised that, in reality, he thought being tied down at 19 was too much.

So it all seemed to become a circus of gender stereotypes. Girl must always preserve the upper hand of having the opportunity to respond, and boy must keep his options open.

Me, being the irrepressible tier of red strings, constantly urged Steph to keep in touch with him over the phone.

Since I have no qualms about making the first move, I launched into my usual speech when dealing with obdurate females: 'All the feminists who died for you so you could have the chance to vote and ask boys out, and you are squandering it away because of pride?

'Where is your sense of responsibility to make an empowered female out of yourself?' I would say in my most bewildered tone.

Of course, all the card-carrying feminists out there would bristle at my definition of empowerment as having a thick enough skin to ask for dates.

But to me, real life turning into a Beverly Hills 90210 soap opera was intolerable, especially since I had seen every day of the blossoming of their friendship.

You could tell me to let nature take its course, but I suspect that nature in a few years' time would be hectic varsity schedules and high-flying careers with no time for love.

Now is always the best time to choose love, be it that of a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife or a parent, over tangible successes that will not be a soothing balm in your most desperate times.

Forget how girls or boys are expected to behave, and just step out with courage to find what you hope to discover.

Heck, today is the best day to do it. I'll be hoping that Steph and Eric will be sending their SMS Valentines soon.

The writer is an intern at The Straits Times