Today February 14, 2005

Affairs of the mind
Mohd Rosle Ahmad

IS there such a thing as intellectual infidelity?

As my wife and I look forward to our 10th anniversary this year, we thought about our contemporaries — couples who have gone their separate ways.

Four have called it quits while one managed to save and rebuild his marriage after indulging in what I would call intellectual infidelity.

We've heard about emotional infidelity, but intellectual infidelity? I checked the Internet for information but turned up nothing. What on earth is it?

A natural homebody, my friend's simple routine is "home-work-home". Male-bonding sessions are restricted to the hours from 1 to 2pm and he only lunches with his male colleagues. So I was shocked when he called one day to say that his wife wanted him to find another job. She felt that he was getting too close intellectually to a female colleague.

To cut a long story short, both he and the colleague are happily married. They worked on the same team but never went out for coffee together or even talked outside the office.

But the things they talked about often, beyond work-related matters, were politics, economics and religion.

This was one Muslim-Christian dialogue that was leading to a misunderstanding, albeit a marital one.

My friend, who thought nothing of their chats, would simply share details of them with his wife when he returned home.

The last straw came on Valentine's Day last year when the inter-faith exchange strayed into how affairs of the heart were being commercialised to death.

My friend's wife was livid upon hearing that her hubby had shared with the colleague in question their three cardinal "love bytes".

Since the day they were married, they had eternalised these principles of love in a list that was posted on the refrigerator:
1 To remain on the true path of love, let deeds of love guide you at every turn.
2 Without love the verb, love the feeling will wither and disappear.
3 The test of one's love comes in the absence of the loved one.

Declared the wife: "You are dangerously close to the emotional gateway: I think it's best you stop all unofficial discourse — or find another job."

But as fate would have it, his colleague was transferred to another branch.

While some of us will find his wife's reactions absurd, I guess if there is emotional infidelity, there can be an intellectual kind.

The fear is, of course, that either one could lead to the destructive, physical betrayal.

My friend says he now practices intellectual celibacy with all "insignificant others" at the office.

So while he fully engages them in all work-related matters, he reserves all current affairs for the missus.

Happy Valentine's Day.

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